We all die in the end

Chapter 4

"I... I was trying to help you- um- feel better. Make you laugh!" Victor blurted out, stumbling over his words. The sudden anger startled him and his thoughts started racing 'oh god what have I done, you stupid idiot you did it again why do you always upset people, why are you always so rude and awful, you can't even look people in the eyes what's wrong with you?' His eyes were darting around the room and he was shaking, terrified of losing his favorite person.

"No, what do you mean 'real dick'? Is it because he's trans?" Greyson snapped angryily. It was, but Vitcor didn't want to admit that if it made Greyson angry. 'what a stupid idiot, still not thinking before you speak, you got in trouble for this back in elementary school and you still haven't learned.' he studdered and frantically tried to think of an excuse. 'no don't make up an excuse, admit your mistake and fix yourself. But what if he doesn't forgive me? He's so sad about Matt he's not gonna forgive me. Fuck what do I do. should I tell him that I don't know what to say? No idiot he's upset oh my god what do I do'

"Victor! C'mon answer me!" Greyson raised his voice becoming impatient. What an asshole, does he not see Matt as a guy? Or maybe he sees him as a "fake guy" which is arguably worse. Why would he do that though, he's trans too? And afab! He could see that Victor was panicking and couldn't tell if it was because he misunderstood what he meant or if he completely understood and Victor couldn't think of something to say. Greyson didn't wanna assume anything considering how Victor can be and just wanted him to leave so he can think about it. He took a deep breath and tried to calmly ask.
"Can you just leave?" It ended up sounding a lot more annoyed and disappointed than intended.

Victor got punched in the stomach with those words. 'look what you've done! He hates you now!' "Greyson, I'm so sorry I didn't mean it like that-" a twang of guilt hit Victor as he lied. He hated the guilt he felt. Everyone hates guilt but his guilt was different. His guilt hurt so much. He could feel it in his chest and shoulders, it made him feel nauseated and shaky. It has made him drop to his knees and sob before. The guilt can come in an instant and stay for days, weeks, months, or years. The guilt has made him want to do terrible things to himself before, and he attempted those things too to punish himself. He's tried starving himself and failed when the nausea became too much to bear. He's tried hurting himself but could never overcome his sense of self preservation. When he failed to punish himself he felt worse as the guilt made him feel weak. He hadn't felt that kind of guilt in very long time but he could feel the familiar pain and thoughts coming back as tears began to form in his wide eyes.

"Just leave!" Greyson said and stood up losing his patience. Victor got up after him and began blurting out words. He didn't even know what he was saying, he just couldn't leave like that.
"I don't wanna hear your excuses Victor just get out of my apartment!" Greyson shouted as he shoved Victor towards the door. Victor hated being shoved or punched wether it was playful or not, it made him upset and scared and Greyson knew that. Victor shoved him away in anger "don't touch me!" He snapped

He has shoved much harder than intended and Greyson ended up stumbling back into a bookshelf, bruising his arm and shoulder. He got back up and started walking towards Victor.
"So you'd rather hurt me than admit your wrong and just leave?!" Victor was backing away into the kitchen, trying to think of how to defend himself. He needed to defend himself because Victor was definitely no stranger to fights but Greyson was a gym trainer and he clearly wasn't fucking around.
"You're an asshole y'know that! You've always been kind of an asshole but I forgave you!" Greyson shouted at him, following him into the kitchen. Victor felt the counter hit his back, he was cornered. His hands went into the sink of dirty dishes behind him and he looked up at Greyson's furious expression in fear of the consequences of his actions. Greyson grabbed the collar of his shirt. "I don't care if he's dead, nobody says that kind of shit about him, not even you." Victor felt around the sink for something, anything to protect himself, something slid into his hand and realizing what it was he gripped it tightly. "I want you to know you had this coming." Greyson said staring him dead in the eyes and readying he right hand to deal the first blow.

Then he felt something like a hard punch in his waist. He let out a breath and felt something warm dripping down his right leg. Dropping his fist he looked down to the right. There was Victor's hand clenching the handle of a large kitchen knife and the blade stuck deep inside Greyson's side. Victor pulled out the knife and it let out a disgusting squelch and a gush of blood. Greyson felt light headed and suddenly his knees were weak. He let go of victor's collar and stumbled back, his hand over his wound. His head was hung low and he was leaning against the dining table behind him. Victor dropped the knife and stood up, his mind that was once racing now blank. His eyes were wide and tears were forming, realizing what he had done. Greyson lifted his head to meet his eyes with Victor's, his vision was blurry and could barely make out the trembling figure in front of him. He looked over to Matt's urn and started to painfully make his way to the dresser where it sat...