The ship lowers into the mouth-shaped entrance of Clown World, for in the years after it was founded the Juggalos built a Violent J shaped shield around the planet to protect it from war and violence- and unfortunately, the entrance and exit was Violent J-Shield’s open mouth. I feel like I am entering a new plane of existence, entering it, and yet I press on. It is a bit uncomfortable, seeing as it was dark, warm, and the air was full of a humid musk; of such, smells like sweat, pleather car interior, and the after-effects of eating a very sweet custard pie… which, is to say, it is absolutely fucking disgusting.
“Put your gas mask on.” I say to McSalsa, turning off the air conditioning quickly. Otherwise……. We would risk letting the Clown Mutagen into the ship…..
Mcsalsa puts on her eye bleedingly glittery ww5 gas mask without so much as a quip, which frankly scared me more than the possible clown infection as I slip a gas mask on of my own. Mine isn't much better, in all honesty as it was a gift from my sister; it even has frills.
Finally, we leave Violent J’s mouth and enter Clown World; it could’ve been a delightful Dr. Suess meets the Circus world if not for the Clown Musk visible in the air- the Mutagen. I can feel the fur on my body stiffen, god this is so fucking gross, but if we get out of here within 3 hours, then the long term effects should be minimal. The sight of the world made me stiffen and had my stomach tying itself in knots like a balloon animal- there were balloon animal trees made of what looked like the intestinal tract of probably a human (what? I'm not a doctor,) and flowers with petals made of tongues and those little center bits made of little eyeballs- fucking horrifying.
“Oh stars….” McSalsa says, muffled through the mask. “Do you……. Do you think it’s real? I mean, I heard clowns are the closest relatives to humans left in the galaxy….”
“Well actually you are completely wrong,” I say. “Because I'm the closest relative to humans, and these bitches look nothing like me!”
"Shit, I think I'm going to fucking die," she says looking at some particularly fucked-up looking custard pie-based dogs from hell.
I stare at the things and swallow the bile in my throat, and force my eyes to focus on just landing at the gas station- 'Just a little further in and we’ll fill the tank with gas and then get the fuck out of here.’
The Revenant slowly comes to land on the bouncy house-esque ground near the stereotypically edwardian era gas-station, and I step out, because I am the macho man of this fucking ship, and I'm very brave and not scared of clowns.
Well, I'm not scared of the clowns, I am scared of the fucking hell-hounds that like to drip acidic custard onto the gas pumps.
A clown sits on a yard chair outside the gas station, the only arguably nice looking things on this planet- they looked like regular, delightful, colorful clowns; save for the protruding fangs and the claws some of them had and their…… discolored skin and hair.
I walk over to them, and do the universal greeting. I Bob my head up, with my chin sticking out, "Yo, whuddup in tha house, my man?"
The clown looks at me with lidded eyes that quickly perk up, the juggalo skin pattern on their face shifting as they smile. “Oh shit a motherfuckin' rat!” I sigh, humans and rats are often confused for one another, even in highly educated areas, so I don't blame them, yet it still is annoying.
"Oh, shit! A motherfuckin' clown! How do you like it, bitch?" the whole effect is muffled and completely erased by the fact that I am wearing a fucking frilly gasmask.
“Sorry I don’t speak rat,” The clown says, standing up and looking down at me. “You need gas, little man?”
“Yes, please, sir,” I say murderously.
"Comin' right up!" he honks his nose (how the fuck does he do that?)
He walks inside his house before walking back out with a gas nozzle that looks as though it’s connected to a hose, leaking Faygo from the nozzle. I lead him to the ship, I am so glad that the Revenant runs on all fuel types, even Faygo.
The stupid fucking clown decides to 'accidentally' spray some on me which, of course, attracts the custard-dogs which, oh, so delightfully, makes it so the gas pumps are being dripped on which, because why not, puts my baby in danger of exploding, and the Clown King of Bastardry is taking his dear, sweet time.
“Heh, oh, shit- my bad, little man.” The Clown laughs, taking a swig from the Faygo nozzle before glancing at the dogs. “Eh, don’t worry, they don’t bite.” One of them advances towards me aggressively, thankfully getting it away from the fuel lines, minimizing the risk of explosion, but also in the process, putting me in mortal danger. Of fucking course… Well, now was as good as time as any to die; not really, I am on Clown World and I do not want to be remembered as the guy who died on Clown World, so I take out my handy-dandy monkey wrench and throw it at the fucking sentient custard as hard as I can, (imagine a small child throwing a balloon.)
“Hey little man, don’t- don’t throw shit at my motherfuckin dogs bro.” The clown growls as he plugs in the nozzle. “They don’t bite, they wanna check you out. They’ve never seen a rat before.”
Thats it, i go fucking crazy, maybe its the clown mutagen making me insane, but thats the camel that breaks my fucking glass spine, I get on all fours and hiss at the dogs, and I flare my tail and its so scary and bad-ass you don't even fucking KNOW!
"Fuck you, fuck this planet, and the dogs can go to fucking space and suffocate in the fucking vacuum," I yell, as I race up the walkway into my baby girl and quickly run into the navigation deck.
“Heh, rat do what rat do….” The clown laughs, unplugging the nozzle and spraying the dogs with Faygo. “Hey, rat,” He calls, walking around and banging on the ship. “That will be 5 clown bucks!” Oh shit…… we forgot to convert our space money to clown bucks at customs…..
TIME TO MURDER THIS CLOWN AND STEAL GAS BABY!!
I revv up the engine, and blast off, using my obviously superior navigational skills to knock the custard-dog-things into the gas pumps, and then hightail it out of there. As the Revenant sails into the upper atmosphere, I hear the distant honksplosion of the gas station.
