Diary of the Heart.

Being me. My Journal.

          07/19/18- Being Me
                     Hoping that you can relate.

Being me is trying to understand everyone to ever cross my path and to accept and respect what  I don't understand. Yet understand myself is the real task. I require so much time and energy in order to keep myself sane that it's almost insane. Seeing how people really are, how people are just able to use others and just hurt another soul without feeling remorse is fascinating to me. I wish—I know how strange this is going to sound and insensitive—but I wish I knew what being selfish felt like. I can't allow myself to be selfish, that's just not who I am. That'd keep me awake at night. Why do I understand so much just to be around people who understand so little? Being me is holding things in and letting everything out in the most uncalled-for situations. I let myself fall in trap that I know darn well are traps. Yes, I admit, that's the smartest thing to do, it's even foolish. But to me, being doubtful and always having to mistrust is a very tiring task. I like to just let things happen, trust a little. Maybe—just maybe—that person is exactly who you think they are. But you know, I am learning the hard way. Life is throwing that lesson at me. It's holding nothing back. No pity for my poor heart. It's hitting me hard, real hard, crying-ugly-while eating ice cream hard, heart-ache early in the morning hard. Being me is dealing with things, things that even I can't explain to anyone else because how to I make you understand? I could honestly go on and on about my feelings and feel like I haven't really said anything. What I feel is an emotion. I can't describe it. I wish you'd feel it. Back and forth conversation with myself and solving dilemmas that I can't even present to the rest of the world because my ability to communicate my feeling is an exact representation of what the word "suck" is. But since we're here I have a couple of things to let out and hope you understand. Being me is loving and not being loved back, yet people seem to be the one sucking me in with lies and fake promises and people just telling me exactly what I want to hear. Being me is being led out and left. Just left, to drown into my own thoughts, tears and feeling. Being me is not being understood and be blinded by my value until I'm gone. My love is so pure and deep that sometimes I'm even confused to why someone would want to leave that, hurt that. Thinking advantage of it, that I understand. I realized that people ask for things they are just no ready for. Nobody is ready for me. I am a challenge that everyone just want to win and forget when its won. However, I like to think that God is holding them back from seeing how gold I am, because I am meant for someone special... Whatever I tell myself to sleep at night, right? Being me is feeling multiple things at a time and trying to understand each and every one of those feelings. What can say? I am a full time job.