to the lakes with you

1: her

"miss gil, thank you for your interest in applying in our organization but sad to say, you did not successfully qualify for a writer position in our org..."

prof. hontiveros said more than what i heard but my mind went on chaos as soon as i heard the phrase 'you did not qualify' hence, i was not able to hear the rest of what she said.

oh, maybe i did. some of it. like:

"i really appreciate and like your work, daisy. it has potential. it has the plot, the story, the characters. it's just that... the potential of every written work you submitted to us doesn't reach its climax. the impact never hits. the moment it's about to hit, its momentum suddenly slows down. you know what i mean?"

i nodded with a smile, "yes, i do know what you mean."

i do know what she means but i do not know how to address it.

"i'm sorry. i know it's the third time you tried to apply for a position here. and i really want you in, daisy. i do. for the past two applications, my remarks have always been the same. and daisy, it's still the same."

"emotions. yup. i should be able to relay emotions empathically and easily with my works."

gosh. emotions, why are you so hard to convey?

hindi naman sa cold ako or whatsoever cliche you hear or read. it's just that, in every written piece i make, prof hontiveros (and somehow other people as well), say that it lacks 'feelings'. that a lot of parts seems empty even though they are written in some sort of 'emotional' way.

ganito ba kapag lumaking emotionally unavailable ang mga magulang mo? when you grew up with divorced parents and you had to stay with your mom who's all about work and emotionally unavailable everytime?

"you still have 5 semesters left, daisy. you know we always accept people every start of the semester. who knows? maybe next semester, you'll be able to get in!" she said enthusiastically.

i just smiled.

yeah, i hope so. i'll apply if my love for writing won't die for the next few months. recently, i find it hard to pen anything. i'm having some sort of writer's block. i feel a lot of procrastination waves inside me. i'm losing ideas as well.

hindi 'to pwede. for as long as i was young, i always wanted to be a writer. and my course here in my university is just a second passion.

BS Psychology.

wow. second year in, i just realized, i need empathy as well in this course, 'no? how was i able to survive the first year sa lagay kong 'to?

"thank you, prof. i'll surely improve my writing for the next months. i have to go now, po. have a nice day ahead."

"you as well."

once i left the room, i walked towards the loading-unloading area near me. i waited for a taxi to come, hopefully, because grab is too expensive nowadays.

luckily, there's one that passed by and i immediately waved my hand. kuya driver noticed me and he stopped the cab for me to get in.

"nearest cafe po. 'yung almost walang tao sana."

kuya driver nodded and started driving.

one thing about rejection, i will never get used to it. maybe that also explains why i don't join elections in the classroom or in the student council for our course. i can't bear to lose anything.

when i do something, i always want to win. i do not consider second place and below. i always want to he first.

except for academics. being in UP, i realized my IQ is just average. i can be consider dumb at this rate. there are other people who are LEGIT geniuses.