to the lakes with you

10: more and more

the moment i realized that the girl in the painting was probably me, i had an internal turmoil in a weird but positive way. normally, when people try to take a picture of me  or like... use me as a subject, i get annoyed. it's like, why would you set me up as your muse, especially without my consent? why would you put me in your work? why me out of everyone? what benefit does it bring me?

these are my usual thoughts whenever someone includes me to the things they do or when someone gives me a position that i do not think i am fit to. it's like, i always have this preconceived notion that i do not deserve it, i do not deserve to be a muse nor to be someone with a leadership position. yet looking at this painting, as i reflect on my past thoughts and current feelings, i asked myself: have i always been this uptight? have i always been this way to other people? aloof and closed off? defensive with high walls around me? feeling like undeserving of good things?

i was so lost in my train of thoughts when someone suddenly spoke from behind. "do you like it?" the voice asked.

i immediately turned around to check who it was and to my surprise, it was slater. he's looking at his painting at first before he shifted his gaze at me. i always knew he's tall but standing side by side with him, with me getting caught off guard because of his painting, it just came upon na me sobrang tangkad pala niya. i think he's 6'2? or 6'1. around that height. he's like a model with his tall figure.

"what? are you thinking of ways to murder me right now because..." he pointed at my eyes with his two fingers, "the way you're looking at me right now, it's as if you're thinking of a hundred ways to yeet me off of this earth."

"ang OA mo," i replied. i took a step back from him because the space between us was kind of concerning. "ano nanaman 'to? gawa mo 'to 'no?"

i don't know why i have been avoiding his gaze and why i suddenly feel so awkward. like where does this emotions come from! why am i feeling this way? and also, why am i suddenly shy and awkward with slater? this is so not me.

also, a realization came upon me. so... isa ba 'to sa mga reason kung bakit late siya nung araw na 'yun? he was taking a sketch of me while waiting for him to arrive? and i really have to know the real reason why he was late that day in this way?

he's lucky i'm having a weird day today. because in usual days, i'd probably get really annoyed with things like this. but today? it's different. i don't know what i am feeling and i do not really want to rationalize it for now. basta ang alam ko, as of this moment, i am overwhelmed with this unknown positive feeling inside me.

"wow, how did you know?" he answered, acting shocked. "is it because out of all the paintings in this room, this is the best one? galing ko 'no?"

"eh ang yabang mo naman pala."

he let out a soft chuckle, "nah, i'm just kidding. just trying to boost ego. anyway, that's you."

"alam ko," i replied in a 'stating the obvious' tone. he, then, gave me this very weird look as if i just grew another head or another nose. "why is your expression like that?"

"well, aren't you mad? angry? annoyed? confused? murderous? i mean, it's you. this is you."

"so?

"the daisy i know would have given me an earful after seeing this painting where she's apparently the subject."

"well, that's one part of the daisy you know," i said. i was about to walk away from him because i felt my cheek feeling warm when someone clung to my arm which stopped me from taking a step.

"daisy, daisy, daisy. you didn't tell me na may kilala ka pala dito," i looked at rose who is currently  looking at slater with an amused look. "hi, i'm rose. and you are?"