ironic.

Chapter 4 - Luca

Luca

I should probably invest in a car. Maybe not. I just hate the metro. I can't stand waiting and I can't stand not controlling when I get to go where I want to go. That may seem like I have some control issues but actually I find myself pretty laid back. I just prefer working on my own time. Maybe I should open a business. Actually never mind, that would end horribly.

The metro stopped and I got off, walking another two blocks to the hospital. As I walked, I felt the warmth of the sun hit my face but the chilly wind still caught on my scrubs, making me feel a breeze on my legs. It was a weird feeling, warm on top and cold on bottom. My chest started to feel warm and spread throughout my whole upper body. It was more than the sun. It was because I couldn't stop thinking about her. Emilia just consumed my mind. Not in an obsessive way, but in a way that she would just pop in and out of my mind. I hated that I couldn't control it, but at the same time I loved that she came and went as she pleased, even in my head. She really is the one thing in my life that I don't have the urge to control.

I want a car to gain control. I want a new job to gain control. I moved away from my parents to gain control. But the lack of control I have when it comes to whether Emilia stays in my life or not, in my head or not, is something that I crave. I won't lie, having her stay in the morning last week was amazing. I would give anything for her to do that again, but the ball is in her court and she can be as mysterious as she pleases. We'd been doing this a while, the whole 'she comes over, we fuck, she falls asleep but somehow leaves before I can open my eyes again'. I was dumb to think she saw me as more than a hookup in the beginning. I was just her booty call. But after she stayed... I can't stop thinking about how she should stay.

She didn't like to cuddle, she said it made her feel claustrophobic, she hated weighted blankets for that same reason. She did not like to watch movies or shows without subtitles, we have a hard time finding YouTube videos with subtitles so we typically stayed away from those. She preferred the bed in my apartment over my couch when we would watch tv, the hour or two that we had before we would hookup. I knew she only came over to have sex with me, but I would force her to spend a little time with me before I let her have what she really wanted. She did not like talking too much, but when she did she was all I could pay attention to. The movies in the background seemed so distant when she would mention a fun fact to me, or when she would laugh at the commentary I gave. That's when my world would stop, and this warm feeling in my chest would radiate to every inch of my body. My ears would turn red and my face would hurt from smiling. That's why I did not mind the lack of control. She was worth it.