The Sins of The World

Chapter 1: Normal

Let's say that I have it all together, I have the guy of my dreams, the life that I've always wanted to live but there was one thing that was holding me back from really living the life that I was destined for, and that thing was me.  People do change and so do circumstances, and karma is most definitely real. I lived the life that every female and guy could ever imagine living, I have not always been the "good girl" we all go through our changes and challenges in life and there will be some people that will come along and change us in one way or another. My mom was a lawyer, and my father worked at a bank and he was also a pastor at our church, and both were happily married and still are until this day and I look up to that daily. I'm engaged to the amazing, loving, hardworking man that God has blessed me with, and I feel like I deserve this moment of happiness for once in my life. 

"Good morning beautiful" Jason as he came down the stairs of our apartment. "Good morning handsome," I said as I packed his lunch for work and cooked myself a light breakfast before I headed out for my morning workout. "How did you sleep?" he asked while fixing his tie "I slept amazing, how did you sleep?" I asked smiling. "Uhmm, it was so so it could've been better if I got you know what." he said as he walked behind me and held me from behind. "Well, you know the situation, so let's not go there sir." I said. I started to feel some type of way especially when it came to my health condition. I was diagnosed with PCOS and it caused many factors to happen and it made me feel less of a woman, I couldn't give him the child that he wanted at the moment although he said it was no big deal I could tell that it bothered him a lot and I started to feel guilty about it. "Look, I love you and I'm not pressuring you about anything that you don't feel comfortable with doing at all, I support you 100% and I'm behind you an additional 100%." He said kissing me on my forehead, grabbing his things, and getting ready to head out the door. "Thank you baby, have a great day, and make sure you call me." I said. 

As I walked up the stairs to get myself together to go and workout, I received a text message that came from my best friend. My best friend Shanna and I have been locked in since elementary school and was married to her high school sweetheart, she was also someone that I looked up to when it came down to marriage. 

Bestie: "Good morning love! We're having our Wives Convention tonight at the church tonight, don't forget." 

I didn't text back because she knew that I would be there. I joined the church and gave my life to God last year and Jason has yet to jump on board, it's not my job to pressure him or to nag him about anything, my only job was to love him despite of. My parents didn't approve of us living together before we were married but we were engaged, and I thought that was good enough. My father told me that we were shacking up and that the Lord would not be pleased with that, how could you argue with a Pastor let alone my own father? My parent absolutely adored Jason and wanted nothing but the best for us, but they wanted for us to live the right way before anything else. 

I went for my morning run per usual and I would normally get a text or a call from Jason around this time and I heard nothing from him, I didn't bother calling because maybe he was caught up at work or either in a meeting. It was nothing out of the norm for him not to call around this time, but I didn't want him to make it a habit. There was this guy that always ran the same track I ran, and we would pass each other every morning he would speak, I would speak, and we'll keep going but this morning was different I started to become weak in the flesh and I know that it'll take some time to get used to living my new way and when I would feel uncomfortable or feel like my flesh wanted what my flesh wanted I'd finish my workout at home and that's exactly what I did. As I was jogging back to him the ringtone that I had set for my fiancée came through on my Air Pods and I answer before I could get hello out of my mouth he started talking. 

"Hey babe I got caught up at work in a meeting that was technically not important but important enough for us to be in it," he said on the other end of the phone. 

"Hey there handsome, I figured that since I haven't heard from you." I said sounding winded 

"You sound tired, are you still working out?" He asked 

"Nah, I cut it short and decided to workout at home instead,"  I said slowly walking back to the house. 

Why did you cut it short, what's the matter?" He asked.

"Nothing, I was just not feeling it today, I hope you have a great rest of your day at work, and don't type too hard." I said. 

"Yes ma'am you got it, talk to you later beautiful." He said before hanging up. 

I could've told him the truth but God is still working on me but what would that do or prove by me saying "The reason I cut my workout short today was because I saw the man that ran the same track I ran, and he looked so good." 

That would've been like an insult and would've caused so much confusion and misunderstanding. I'd rather keep it to myself and think of it as I only have eyes for my future husband. I worked out a little before taking a shower and laying down for my nap before I cook before 5:00 PM get here and my man walk through the door, and it was time for me to go to the Wives Convention. By the time I woke up, I missed my alarm but got up in time enough to start dinner and get myself ready to head out the door. Time passed and I didn't hear from Jason, nor did he call, I called and texted him but there was no answer.

5:45 PM: Jason, where are you I'm starting to get worried call me back. 

6:00 PM: Jason I have to be at the church at 7:15 PM call me back and let me know that you're okay!

6:30 PM: Okay, I'm getting worried where are you?

"Good evening, ladies! We're so glad to have you all with us tonight, last week we went over and did our homework on Psalms Chapter 101 and today we will go over what we've learned and what we got out of the homework, and how we will apply it to our everyday lives." Pastor Lewis explained. I couldn't focus on anything instead I was worried about Jason. I was so zoned out that once I came back to reality, I was being stared at by all of the ladies in our group.

Ms. Kamille, are you with us tonight? Pastor Lewis asked. "Yes ma'am I am. I said knowing that I didn't hear a word that she said. "Well, can you tell us what you learned from Psalms 101 and what stood out to you please?" She asked. "Yes ma'am I'll be more than happy to. 

"Psalm 101:3 "I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me." Either the eyes of the body, which are the inlets of lust and are easily caught with objects that inflame the heart, and should be turned aside from beholding vanity. Or the eyes of the mind; so the Targum, "I will not propose to my heart;" or, as Kimchi, "in my thought". That is, I will not set up an evil thing in my imagination, to dwell upon in my thoughts, and take delight and pleasure in meditating upon it. Or set it before me, to imitate as a pattern, to work by, and copy after. Christ did not so; he set the Lord always before him (Psalm 16:8). Not anything of Belial or Satan, as the phrase here, may be rendered. No, he always bid Satan, or anything of his, be gone, and get behind him which is in Matthews chapter 4:10. "Mine eyes": The king desires to look at nothing but that which is righteous" 

"So, what I took from that passage alone was, I should only have eyes for things that are righteous and not things that are of this world," I explained 

"Thank you Kamille. " I completely agree with you on that, and I can tell that you've studied long and hard." Pastor Lewis explained. After that, I didn't hear anything thing else nobody said, I was worried and only focused on one thing.  

I called and called Jason and there was no answer he didn't even bother to reply to my messages. I didn't think to call his friends to make sure that he was okay, but why would I do that when he was either at work or stuck in traffic? I decided to call Jason's friend Michael and he answered on the dime. 

"Hey Michael, is Jason around? I asked worried that he would say no. "Yes, here he is hold on." he said sounding like they were in a bar based on the background noise that I was hearing. 

"Yo, who is this?" Jason asked without a worry in his voice. "Yo, who is this, are you serious? I've been worried about you and calling you all day Jason, where have you been?" I asked furiously. "Please don't start trippin' tonight K," He said. I hung up the phone before I said something that I'd later regret. I was starting to think about everything my dad said and how I went against what he said, maybe this was my karma for not listening, but whatever it was I knew it wasn't normal.