The Sins of The World

Chapter 2: What Can I Do?

It's 5:00 in the morning and Jason was still not home, there were no missed calls or text messages from him, and his phone was still going to the voicemail. Tear rolled down my face I felt undefeated, he didn't have a care in the world and here I was caring more than he ever did or would. I would usually call my mom or dad, but this is the type of stuff they warned me about with certain people, we all have to fall on our own at some point I guess this was my punishment for not listening.

 I drifted back off to sleep and jumped up when I heard the front door open, "It's just me go back to bed." Jason yelled as he threw his keys on the table.  "Are you serious, so you're going to walk in here like nothing's wrong?" I said getting out of bed walking down the stairs. "To be honest it ain't." He said going through the refrigerator. I walked over and slammed the refrigerator, "Let me tell you something, I know what I did in my past but that does not give you the right to walk up in here like you're not in a relationship or engaged to get married, we're supposed to get married next weekend and you're doing this?!" I yelled. "Yeah, I'm doing this, you wanted the wedding not me, I asked you to marry me, but I didn't want to get married this soon." he said slamming the glass down on the counter. "Do you know how foolish you sound right now? You asked me I didn't ask you!" I yelled in outrage. His phone rang but the number was an unknown number. "You know what, I don't have time for this I'll sleep on the chair you can have the bed." He said as he grabbed his phone, looked at me, and walked away. 

It seemed like the more I prayed the worse it got but I was not about to stop praying. I know in my past I clubbed, smoked, and drink a lot but people do change. I could rebel and go back to my old ways, what good would that do for both of us to be out here living wrong? I decided to text my pastor even though it was 5:45 in the morning and she was probably asleep but I needed someone to talk to. 

Me: "Good morning, Pastor Evans! I know it's late, but I had to speak with about an issue that I was having, and I need some advice or something he hasn't come home and I don't know what to do."

I expect a text back this early in the morning because I know that she was either doing her morning prayer or she was probably getting her kids ready for the day, either way, I know that she would get back in contact with me. Before I could even think to go back to sleep, I had to write a prayer and tape it in my closet on my prayer wall and also say a prayer before I could get any amount of sleep. I started to pray: 

"Lord God, many times I will wonder why this has to happen to me, I thought we are good together, I thought my love is enough to keep us going, but how wrong I have been all the while. Jesus..."  

"What are you doing?" Jason asked interrupting my prayer. I continued my prayer. 

"Lord God, many times I will wonder why this has to happen to me, I thought we are good together, I thought my love is enough to keep us going, but how wrong I have been all the while. Jesus, I ask that you will give me the grace to move on with life. Grant the power and strength to forge ahead, give the grace to still love God, and never give up on all of his promises to me. Amen."

That was rude to interrupt my prayer time don't you think?" I asked while getting up from the floor. "You think whoever you're praying to is going to fix our relationship?" He asked. "Actually, He can fix everything, did you come in here to pick a fight with me or something?" I asked fixing my pillows on the bed. "Nah I just asked a question," he said. "Well, if there isn't anything more, I pray that you have a great morning," I said laying down. Deep down inside I was hurt and lost for words, I could say things out of the way and make a complete fool of myself. "Yeah, whatever." he mumbled walking out of the room. Before I could get comfortable enough to finally fall asleep, I received a text.

Pastor Evans:  "Good morning! Pray about it. I've prayed for you this morning and I know exactly what you're going through. When you wake up read Isaiah 55. Keep fighting and keep praying." 

I didn't reply back, I saved the scripture that she wanted me to read and finally went to sleep. 

By the time I woke up, it was 11:54 AM and I had 32 missed calls, 14 text messages, 6 inbox messages, and 54 Facebook notifications. I've been tagged in a post with a picture of Jason kissing another female. I was embarrassed and thought to do nothing else but call him and confront him about what I was tagged in. "Are you seriously out here doing this?" I said angrily "It's not what you think but you can believe what you want to believe." He acts as if he doesn't have a care in the world. "How do you even explain this? Say something other than that dumb crap you just said! Defend yourself!" I yelled. "Look, when I get off, I'll talk to you about it." He said while laughing and talking with his friends in the background. "I may not be here when you get home, I'm tired of goin..." I didn't get a chance to finish what I had to say before he hung up on me. I didn't make it an issue to call back, instead of accepting what it was I started to blame God for everything that was happening at this moment. 

"All of this is happening because of You, I prayed to You and You did nothing to change this situation that I'm in, what am I praying for, what is all of this for if I'm not getting the answers that I'm seeking or if my prayers are not being answered." I yelled, screamed, and broke down talking to God. "Tell me what am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to know where to go or what move to make if You're not telling me?!" I yelled with tears coming down my eyes. With no answers in sight, I grabbed my things, and while grabbing my Bible it fell and opened up to the scripture Pastor Evans told me to read Isaiah 55. In disbelief, I fell to my knees and started to read the scripture. Could this be His way of speaking to me and I've just been ignoring what He's been saying? Could this be His way of telling me to speak to Jason? Could this be His way of telling me to focus on Him and only Him in order to get the answers that I want? Whatever it was I was willing to do, I know that it would take some work, but we all have to start from somewhere.