The Sins of The World

Chapter 3: I'm Trying

I woke up on the floor of my bedroom and Jason still isn't home. With my Bible in my hands, I stood to my feet and grabbed my phone in an attempt to call Jason, but my calls were sent to voicemail. What am I doing wrong? Was I getting treated like I was somebody that he no longer wanted? "Lord, what am I doing wrong?" I asked as I stood in the doorway of my closet. I decided to take a shower to take some stress off of me instead of stressing over a situation that he could care less about, if that was the case he would be here right now. Instead of taking a shower, I used the shower to cry instead, I was completely losing myself over a man that God probably didn't have destined for me in the first place. Why was I so stuck on him, is this what love really feels like, if so I don't want it ever again? I pulled myself together, showered, and went downstairs to make myself some breakfast before joining the morning Worship meeting. Singing along to Marvin Sapp Praise Him In Advance gave me hope and made my day smoother than I ever thought it would.

"I've had my share of ups and downs
Times when there was no one around
God came and spoke these words to me
Praise will confuse the enemy I've had my share of ups and downs
Times when there was no one around (God came and spoke)
God came and spoke these words to me (praise will)
Praise will confuse the enemy (so I started singing)I started singing, I started clapping
I started dancing, (people were laughing) people were laughing
(They knew my problems)
They knew my problems, (they knew my pain) they knew my pain
(But I knew God)
But I knew God would take them away"

"Good morning," Jason said as he failed to make eye contact with me and headed straight to the refrigerator. "Good morning? Where have you been Jason?" I said with anger. "Can you turn that down I have a headache," Jason said as he walked to the living room and turn on the tv. "Are you kidding me? Jason, where have you been for two days straight with no calls or text messages?" I asked snatching the remote control from his hands. "Listen, I'm not in the mood for this nonsense this morning, okay? And besides, I'm grown." He said grabbing his phone and started scrolling through Facebook. "You come home reeking of alcohol and you want to catch an attitude with me, really? Look, Jason, I know that I've done wrong in the past but I don't need you to constantly han..." "Could you please shut up!" Jason yelled before I could finish anything I was saying. "You know what I've tried, prayed, and cried but if this is what you want you can have it. I have nothing else more to say to you about how you choose to live your life because eventually, you'll reap what you sow." I said as tears filled my eyes before walking away. 

It was past time for Morning Worship but it was better late than never. "Good morning Kamille, it's nice to have you join us this morning, we're just about to get started. Would you like to lead us into prayer?" Pastor Evans asked. "Yes ma'am I don't mind," I said as I quickly tried to wipe my eyes from the leftover tears. "We're ready whenever you are." Pastor Evans noted. 

Lord, I thank You for placing Your wonderful, powerful, protective peace in my life. I am grateful that You have positioned it to stand at the entrance of my heart and mind and that it dominates my mind and controls my life. Because what is inside me is what rules me, I choose to let this peace rise up and conquer me. With this peace standing at the gate of my heart and mind, I know it will disable the devil's ability to attack my emotions and will not permit his lies and accusations to slip into my mind! Thank You for loving me enough to put this powerful peace in my life! I pray this in Jesus' name!

I confess that I am guarded and protected by the powerful peace of God that works in my life. It rises up to dominate my mind; it controls my thinking, and it determines the condition of my life and the environment where I live and work. I am unaffected by the circumstances that surround me, for this supernatural peace stands at the gate of my mind and emotions to monitor everything that tries to access me. Because no fretting, anxiety, panic, or worry is allowed to enter me, I remain free, calm, and peaceful - even in difficult situations that in the past would have upset me! I declare this by faith in Jesus' name, Amen!

"Thank you Kamille, that was beautiful." Pastor Evens said as she used the tissue to wipe her eyes. 

"When will you be finished with what you have going on? I'm tired and I want to get some rest." Jason said. "Can you hold on for a second Pastor Evans while I go to another part of the house, I do apologize about that," I said as I gathered my things and went down to the living room. 

The way I was being treated by someone that claimed they loved me felt like I was being punished by God but I know for a fact that He would never hurt me this bad. Jason came down the stairs into the living room where I was for what I thought would be an apology for the way he acted a few minutes ago but I was wrong. 

"Why don't you ask your God why you haven't had a child yet? Ask your God why He hasn't done what He was supposed to do or promised that He would do for you, and you wonder why I do what I do? It's because I'm not valued enough." He said without a thought of how it would hurt me or make me feel. Of course, I was struggling to conceive but I know that if it didn't happen now that it would happen eventually with the right one. 

"I'm trying Jason," I said with tears running down my face. "Well you're not trying enough, I'm leaving and I would prefer for you not to contact me, I'll be back later. Enjoy your service." He said as he walked away and slammed the door. I couldn't concentrate on the meeting at all, I was crushed and devastated, to say the least. I privately sent Pastor Evans a message. 

Me: "Pastor Evans I've tried all I could do with Jason and I just can't do this anymore, I need to take some time away from Morning Worship for a while but I'll be back." 

Pastor Evans: "Allow God to step in and handle him how He wants to handle him, the only thing that you can do as a child of God is pray for him and keep it moving. Don't give up on God and He won't give up on you." 

I thought long and hard about the message that Pastor Evans sent and she was right. I'm not missing Worship to entertain the devil that's not my job, but I'm trying. What more can I do but try?