Ethereal Soul // Billie Eilish

Chapter 1

You know when life has no point at all, when what you thought was something to hold on dissolves in your own hands. Nothing feels worse than that. I thought there was no point of even trying to open my eyes, feeling the oxygen spiralling through my lungs, I really did. Somehow, I wasn't the one who saved myself, she did.

I woke up freezing, like always. My heavy blanket had been tossed to the floor and my sheets were near my feet. These horrifying nightmares were the reason I would wake up in such a horrible mood. One of them came through my mind occasionally, til it almost became a routine for my distorted brain.

"You will never be happy. You should be so ashamed of what you've become. Nothing on this earth will change the way I feel about you. I just wished your heart would have made better choices."

After a few days of constantly living this bad dream, I remembered every single word that came out from that girl's voice. Still, I wasn't able to see her. That's what I hated most. That nightmare was empty, I couldn't look at who was saying these things to me. It was pitch black.

A few minutes after practicing these breathing techniques my therapist suggested me to try, I became stable. I reached my hand to my nightstand looking for my phone. My eyes looked at the time, 7:04 am. I moved my pupils to the center of my screen and saw my wallpaper. It was a photo of me and Sage, my ride or die. We took that photo in her room while listening to Lucky Daye. I remember how she was dressed that night. Her grey oversized graphic tee were hiding all of her soft curves. Her sweatshorts were high enough for me to peek at her butt once in a while. Sage doesn't know I've wanted something more than a friendship for a while now. She actually doesn't even know I'm gay. I've only told my mom, on accident. She's been okay with that.

I decided to go on Instagram before preparing myself to go to school. That wasn't the best idea. Looking at all of these perfect lives and bodies on social media were pissing me off. I was so jealous of them. I chose to delete the app, its not like I had 3000 followers and 27 DMs. 

My mom was calling me from the living room.

"Y/n! Hurry up please, I don't want you to be late."

"Yeah I'm coming, give me a sec."

I'm glad I could still live with my mom. Some days I wished I lived in a dorm with Sage, so we could spend the nights watching This Is Us, til she would fall asleep on my chest while I would be caressing her hand. Nonetheless, my mom meant a lot to me and I couldn't bare knowing she would live on her own, sitting on my dad's chair while contemplating his paintings hanging on our walls.

I brushed my hair and tied it in a low ponytail. Looking at the mirror, I stared at my imperfections. I wanted to beat myself up for looking this way. I thought no one would ever like me for what I looked like, how could they? That's when I repeated in my head the last words my dad told me before he was gone.

"My beautiful girl, you can do amazing things. Life is like the ocean waves, it keeps going."

I looked at my tattoo on my wrist. Me and him had a small wave drawn at the exact same spot. We used to drive to the beach near our house and spend our nights looking at the waves coming and leaving. It was the best.

After a few tears falling from my eyes, I woke up from my thoughts and left my room. I hope he knows how hard I'm trying.

I took my car keys feeling embarrassed. I was happy I had my own car, just wished it didn't look like it was about to break in pieces.

"Y/n remember to do the groceries after school, I'm working till 10pm so you're gonna be alone tonight. Here's the money for the food." My mom hands me 50$ to make sure we have enough for a few days. "Feel free to invite Sage for dinner if she wants to."

"Yeahyeah I will."

Even though my mom and I were close, something never aligned between the both of us. We were just different in some way, that's why I barely opened up to her. After she saw me kissing a girl in our backyard, she closed her mind. She wasn't against it, she simply thought it came out out of no where. I remember what she told me when we had our first talk about it.

"You know y/n, some feelings come but don't stay for long. It doesn't mean they're actually real when you think they do. Phases happen, you probably will change your mind in a few months."

I had never been so offended by such words. The words that came out of my mouth were different than what I actually wanted them to be.

"Yeah, I guess so."

A year after that event, she still believes I somehow will return no my 'natural habitat' and marry a hardworking boy with passions and ambitions. As if a girl couldn't have these qualities.

I told her goodbye and hoped into my 2007 Red Toyota Yaris. As I start the car, I clicked on my 'car ride' playlist and select my go-to song. "Something's in the air right now, like I'm loosing track of time.." Listening to Billie's most recent album had made my days worth living. I've always imagined singing next to her in her Dodge Challenger, driving through the desert roads of LA. Well, that wasn't going to happen anytime soon since my parents lived  in a small town near Montreal (that's in Canada btw).

I never saw Billie in concert. After 5 years of being a fan she came once and I missed it. You might ask how on earth was I incapable of attending her show, my dad died in the morning. Pretty rough right.

As Lost Cause came to an end on my radio, I pulled to Sage's home. I don't know why I was so nervous to see her today. I looked at my trembling hands holding my phone and texted her.

Sage 🤍

Waiting 4 u outside, betta
bring ur butt soon before
we miss class!!

Give me 5 min!! gotta fix
my mug caus ain't no boy
will want a piece of me if I
look like Voldemort

Whatever.. u know you're
still perfect without any
makeup on right?

Hahahahah, I wish

This girl has no idea how beautiful she is. I wish I would just stop being a pussy for once in my life and tell her how I truly feel. One day.

(1176 words)