~𝑀𝑦 ℎ𝑖𝑔ℎ 𝑠𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑜𝑙 𝐶𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒𝑡~

~Chapter One~

Have you ever stared in the mirror staring at your body thinking 'this isn't mine'? Have
You ever thought your body looked disgusting? It doesn't feel great...it feels like you're trapped in a body you can't get out of it. It worse when people see 'your' body.
That's why I hate high school.

Walking down halls full of locker, I stare other girls. I don't feel Like a girl. Is that normal? I thought. I sigh as I head to my algebra class and sat down next to this kid. The kid was usually not here, I don't mind. I have heard rumors about him going to a mental hospital or he was being abused. I never cared. I mean I do care but I dont care. I hope they're ok just I don't care about the rumors. Algebra class is boring. It's my first period and I hate it. It's better than last year. Last year I had gym for first period. It sucked and I still can't even do a push-up! I mean I don't care, I don't want to be strong. I'd rather live in my room with my pet ladybug,Marino. I love bugs. Bugs make me happy. But did you know that Houseflies find sugar with their feet, which are 10 million times more sensitive than human tongues. And also, Ticks can grow from the size of a grain of rice to the size of a marble. It's really cool!

The bell rings. I bolt out of that classroom as soon as I could! Thank the heavens! Next period is art, I don't mind. I love art. I usually love painting insects. Mostly grasshoppers! They're neat to me. I head to art and place my bag down on the floor and sit in my seat. I look over as a kid with beautiful eyes and hair sits down next to me. His eyes are a beautiful shade of green that just shine when into light.
He noticed I was staring and smiled towards me. "I'm Lola" I say. Lola. I don't like my name. I never liked it. He shakes my hand and smiles once again, "I'm rose. I used to sit over by the art desk but mrs. Olans put me here."
I nod. To be honest, I wasn't listening to him. Only staring at his beautiful eyes and gorgeous hair. I hear him chuckle as he puts down a small notepad on the covered in paint table and starts to sketch. I lean over watching him and whisper, "whatcha drawing?" He doesn't look at me but just responds, "statue of liberty. Used to live in New York!" I smiled slightly at his excitement.
   We sit there for about ten minutes until the bell rang. I didn't want to leave class I felt comfortable being with rose. I grabbed my bag getting up and sighing. "What class do you have next??" He asked. I sighed "English language." He smiled "same!"
He grabbed my hand and headed out the doors to our next class.

During English language, we met another kid named Jemmy. I remembered he's the kid that is barely here. I sit next to him and smile "hello jems" I had to give them a nickname. They look at me confused. "I'm..well anyways this is rose." I say. I didn't want to say my name. Matter of fact I want a new name. A new name people will love. But it's not possible sadly. Jemmy looks at rose and smiles. Jemmy had this look of 'love' towards him. I sighed and lean back in my seat staring off at the board. I feel a little tap on my arm and turn my head over to rose. He gave a little smile. God he looked like a dork! I smile back.

After school, I started heading towards the exit doors. Ready to leave! I had my headphones on listening to 'Juliet ' by cavetown. I feel related to it somehow. I don't know why. I push the doors open and walk down the steps starting to walk to my car.I pull out my keys and unlocked my car hopping in. I turn to look out the window and I see rose running over with Jemmy who looks absolutely confused. I chuckled and rolled down the window. "You guys coming with me!?" I yell as rose opened the door quickly. "Well yeah! This dumbass decided to prank the principal and apparently he thought I was apart of it!" Next thing I know is rose and Jemmy are in the car and I'm driving. "I put a bucket of paint from the art room on top of the door so it got all over him.." Jemmy mumbles softly chuckling. I looked back smiling "that's pretty funny!" A little smile appeared on their face once I turned back to the road. Rose touched the radio and started blasting some music. Jemmy covered their ears and looked at rose as he looked back and immediately turned it down a bit. I'm confused. It seems like they know each other, so I asked. Rose leaned back and nodded "we a have a really close friend and we became friends like that. I'm friends with a kid name Damien and so is he. So me and him became friends."
I smile softly "cute." I say as I kept driving.

Once I dropped them off I drove home. I got out of my car heading into my house and upstairs. "I'm home mom!" I yell before shutting my door. I immediately undressed and put two sports bras on. It hurts but it felt good...like me. I put on a baggy band t-shirt and sweatpants on. I went over to my pet's cage and take him out letting him walk all over my hand. I sighed watching him crawl all over my hand. "Marino.." I say, "I wish I was a ladybug like you. I don't have to worry about anything. Just fly around and see the great beauty of nature. I wonder..do you feel how I feel too? Do you feel like you're not in you're own body. Maybe you feel like an ant. Maybe you wanna be an ant. But you can't.." I sighed and put him back in his cage. I walk over to my bed and sit down. I grabbed my laptop and open it. I just stare. Should I look? Should I see if it's possible? I think to myself before I do it. Transgender. Agender. Non-binary. Gender fluid. They're real? I questioned. But I couldn't do any of them. My family would be upset. Very upset. I sighed and shut my computer laying back staring off. Agender..I think over and over. But then what would I like? Would I not be able to date? Would I have to like other people that are agender? I groaned in frustration and punch the bed. I sat up punching it more. Why!? Why why why!! Why the hell can't I just be perfect as a girl!? Fucking Christ! Shit shit shit!! I start to cry. My tears are hot. Hot angry frustrated tears. I pant softly and lay back. Shit...