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IV

I don't think there has ever been a time when I have been sad because of Aaron except for one. Our 'dramatic' fight in eighth grade and now that I ask him about the reason why he fought with me back then, he simply says, "I don't remember."

Though, I don't blame him because the fight as I remember was most likely because of some stupid reason. If I am being honest, I don't even want to remember the reason but then again I do remember it barely. I don't think I will ever like to talk about the reason and I will like to keep it that way but I hated it.

I hated it when he stopped talking to me almost for a whole month. I hated it when he wouldn't even notice me, it felt as if to him I didn't even exist. I knew that he was avoiding me but only if he would have talked to me about it, at least for once.

I knew that we weren't close enough at that time. But I still thought that at least we were close enough to share things and talk about how we felt. Maybe to him, it wasn't the same but I wish I could tell him at that time. I knew something was wrong but he never told me about it.

Of course, now that I am mature enough to understand the situation back then, I will say that Aaron was an idiot back then to think that whatever stupid reason was more important to him than us. But again I don't blame him.

His younger self might have not understood what he was doing then. Maybe to him, it was the right thing to do on his behalf. Maybe there was another big reason why he stopped talking to me that I might not know about. Either way, I waited for him even at that time.

Every day I wished that everything would go back to being normal between us. He would start sitting with me again as he used to, he would talk to me and crack jokes to which I would laugh and he would hold my hand as he used to between our English period.

I did everything I could on my behalf. I said sorry to him countless times but maybe that wasn't enough. I tried to make small talk with him but he used to avoid me or would respond so dryly as if he wasn't even interested in me at all. Maybe he wasn't at that time or maybe I will never know.

Normally, if it would have been any other person other than Aaron, I wouldn't even have given a single fuck about them. I would have said sorry but I wouldn't have waited for one whole month for our fight to come to an end. But for Aaron, I would have waited for him as long as I needed to.

The letter I gave to Aaron was probably my last attempt at trying to solve our fight. In that letter, I poured my heart out. I would have never even thought that someone like me could write a letter that too for someone else. Honestly, I was surprised that I even gave it to him. Not directly but indirectly since I didn't have the guts in me to do it. Hell, I was scared that if I gave it to him directly he would have probably torn it and the sight of me crying, in front of him that I couldn't even imagine. It would have probably annoyed him more and he would have thought how dramatic I am.

After I gave him that letter, the rest of the day I kept thinking if he even read it or if he simply tossed it in some trash can. I was practically going insane at that point because what if he would have gotten angrier at me. What if the letter would mess up the situation even more. I even thought that he would start hating me more than he already did. What was creeping me even more was his reaction to the letter? If he would react positively or negatively?

The next day, it turned out that my going insane wasn't necessary at all because Aaron returned the letter to me with a poker face. Yes, a poker face that is no reaction at all. I would have died to get a reaction from him at that point because that was probably one of the coldest moments ever for me.

I almost wrote "I love you" to him in that letter and he just gave it back to me without even uttering a single word. Who does that? But now that I think about it I am glad he returned the letter to me since it cringes and honestly it has grammatical errors too. But I will be lying if I say that I don't enjoy reading that letter even now. Yes, I have kept that letter safe for nearly three years now. It keeps reminding me of how stupid I was. I will admit that the way I wrote that letter is ridiculous but everything I wrote in it is true.

If I had to write a letter to Aaron now, guess I will do a better job than my idiotic self.

Eventually, by the end of the month, our fight did come to an end but nothing was the same as before. He started talking to me but it didn't feel as if it was the same Aaron I was talking to. He wouldn't stop to talk to me at the time of school dispersion as he used to earlier. Instead, he would simply just say bye to me. He always seemed to be in a hurry and God knows why he used to do that. I thought that maybe I had to give it some more time so that nothing would get awkward between us so I waited again.

I came this far already and I would have been damned if I gave up at that time.

And yes, things did start to get better between us eventually and they were going back to being normal. I thanked God every day because honestly, this wouldn't have been possible without him. I remember that I stopped even writing in my diary since the only boy about whom that diary was, wasn't talking to me. So quite self-explanatory, isn't it?

He isn't someone I wish to give up on. Even now we do fight sometimes but those are silly fights. Although, I do want Aaron to know that if in the future a fight like this ever happens between us, I just wish that we will talk and solve it rather than ignore each other.

Aaron matters to me more than anyone and I would much like to deal with the problem along with him rather than turn against him ever.

I may not tell this to Aaron but I do care for him and with him, I will always be honest. I will be honest that during that fight, each day I was reminded of the joy he adds to my life. I wanted to scream at him and shout at him not because I was angry but because I was frustrated that even after putting in so much effort why wouldn't he talk to me just for once. Where was I lacking and what did I do so bad that he had to ignore me? I was never angry at him for whatever he did back then but honestly, it did feel terrible and the only memory of us that I hate.

But thank you, Aaron, for making up to me at the end of the day.

I will simply brush that memory off by saying that Aaron was an idiot. Besides, I was an idiot too because we both could have handled the situation in a better way but we were too dumb at that time.

I just know that I am willing to stick through it all with Aaron. Now when I look at him or think about him, I think that maybe it was all worth it back then. People do fight and nothing or no one can be perfect ever but what matters is how we decide to deal with the situation.

Even now whenever Aaron and I fight he always tells me to not say sorry but just know that if I am at fault, Aaron, I will always say sorry to you because I never want to hurt you. Whether it be intentionally or unintentionally. I know I act stupid sometimes but thank you for not wanting to punch me or anything (in a joking way, obviously).

But I love it, Aaron. I love how he can do the most random thing but I would still laugh like a crazy person. I love how he finds it funny whenever I say something stupid. Even if it's random, I love how we can talk for hours and still won't get bored. I love how he can deal with my crazy thoughts and act just as crazy as I am. I love how I make him happy and how he makes me happy. I love how comfortable I am with him and I can tell him about anything and he listens. In my opinion, I love everything about him and I love everything about us.

I love us.