Pilfer

College : BOMBS AWAY

     Yeah. I punched him repeatedly in the face, even cutting him from the pressure of a ring I had one. And my family was the audience. Both immediate and extended.

     I wish I could tell you he deserved it. He didn't. I wish I could tell you the reason. There wasn't one. Merrick had been growing up during our partying months. He became more controlled, me fraying more into different personalities as each day passed. I knew, even though I wasn't strong enough to prevent it, exactly how one went from talking and laughing and knowing someone they deeply loved to doing everything in their power to detonate what was good. What was there. When everything I had ever appreciated and had a passion for had been ripped from me in some way or form without my permission, I was taught that good things would continue to be pilfered away. Merrick wasn't going to take from me. I stopped letting that be the outcome of goodness in my life and so I'd take control, I would put up the wall before they whittled away at me.

     That dumbass stayed. He stayed for the night our friends were over and I threw a dish sponge in his face before running over to his precious Bukowski collection and started tearing pages out, ripping out covers, crumbling them and tossing the papers and what was left of the books in his fucking face. Merrick scoured the alleys of Chicago after I was booed out of a bar for berating him and hitting him before taking off into the sparkling, big city night. Let's not forget when his friends were in town and I used my words to cut so deeply into his heart that there's a chance it may still pain him today. 

     "LOSER! YOU ARE A DEADBEAT! YOU FUCKING DRUGGIE! YOU'RE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. WHAT A WASTE OF MY LIFE!"

     His friends disinvited me to upcoming weddings. Our sex life dwindled. Honestly, we were only happy and sleeping together when we had blow on us, though, more serious jobs and age had weaned us off more and more. Who woulda thought? You couldn't easily hold a job and not look like shit when you slept a few nights a week and eat nothing. Huh.

     My mind told me that I was avoiding being mistreated. Protecting myself from future heartbreak. Another term for it? Self sabotage. What this did to Merrick was irreversible. He watched someone he truly loved crack and break and mutate into something dark, unrecognizable. Something he feared. I did the worst possible thing to him. I took something beautiful from him, from us, just as Ian had from me and made it into something so hideous and unmendable.

***

     As I continued to completely fuck up my relationship, Kara had maintained her distance, not wanting to get involved. She had the apartment to herself most of the time, as I'd stay and wreak havoc at Merrick's, though, she bore witness to plenty of the abuse I was forcing Merrick to accept. I found myself, increasingly slamming doors and going for anxious walks. 

     I had to find it in myself to end things with Merrick. The more I blew up, the more I worried he'd start asking questions. Start wanting to get to the bottom of my behavior and to what end?  To find out the real truth behind this? That I was fucking molested most of my life? What the hell would that matter? It can't be reversed. Not ever. What was best was to spare Merrick from the piece of shit I was, spare myself from having to rehash something I worked each day to put behind me and stop pretending I had some silver lining coming my way. No thanks, dreams were not welcomed here.

     With so much on my mind, what happened next wasn't a complete blow. As I was walking, I could have sworn I saw Ian walking into Jewel.