i Dreamt Of Heaven (Countryhumans EstFin)

Episode

CW- self harm, depressive episode, thoughts of suicide, stopped attempt
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3rd POV

Estonia was in his and Americas dorm room, listening to his spotify playlist "-you sigh, look away-" he thought about all of the things that happen in the past, no one treated him with respect, he was small, weak and always stubborn, he wasn't skinny either so that just added on to him getting bullied "-I can see it clear as day." Estonia cried, all he saw was blue, nothing good was going to happen to him, nothing good has happened to him when he thought about it, he sobbed "c-close your eyes, s-so afraid..." he craved male validation so much, he loved getting good attention from boys, sometimes he tried too hard, sometimes he barely tried, but once... an old friend had her boyfriend come over to a party, her boyfriend was beyond nice to him, he felt warm inside, he knew it'd be wrong to crush on the guy, he couldn't help but like him, the boyfriend sat next to him and showed him games on his old tablet, complimenting him when he did something well and laughing light-heartedly when did something silly, Estonia smiled at the memory, but then remembered - It's just a silly memory. He covered his eyes and stopped singing to let it all out.

He couldn't stop himself from remembering, his father never respected him or saw him as a person, he just saw him as something to take his anger out on, he adopted the three and ruined their lives, hitting them with sticks, the belt and slapping them, but their father's favourite way of abuse was verbal/emotional abuse - "you really need to lose some weight, girls aren't fat and shouldn't be fat." He drank a lot, he was an alcoholic, he disgusted him "stop eating so much, I rather you not eat than eat." "You can't even make me smile a bit with some good grades, what are you good for? Have you seen your grades? Have you seen yourself? At least do some work, clean the house, make some food or just work out you lazy fag." Soviet always gave mixed signals, he was an asshole, he was mean, even then he bought his kids fast food meals and then called them fat, especially Estonia, he was always the main target for these insults. Russia was the perfect child to soviet, even though Soviet treated him awfully, he slapped Russia's fingers with a ruler, usually wood, he told Russia things he should do, like treat his siblings badly and such. Sometimes, when Russia was in charge while Soviet was gone, the Russian would treat his siblings kindly and let them get away with a few things, getting the blame put on him and him getting punished. Estonia felt bad for Russia, he knows how he was treated, he knows why he's such an asshole to him but it's not an excuse.

He felt so trapped in that household, once, he told his father about his love for Pokémon, his love for other nerdy things he found on the internet but was just laughed at, he always wished he could have these small things he liked to decorate his room, to decorate the hole in his life, he learned his lesson a few times, but once Soviet slapped him and told him "this is getting ridiculous, girls like barbies, girls like dolls, girls like girly things, not some stupid video games." He realized there was no point in trying to talk about things he liked to anyone, no one would listen to him anyway, he didn't have friends, he only had his brothers that were ripping each-other apart because of their own father, they never had the chance to grow up a normal life, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania were the only ones that could truly stayed together through this torture. He remembers when he tried to come out as trans he was immediately turned down, beaten and told to stop thinking of silly things like that, he had his phone taken away for a week or more, he couldn't remember, he had his pants taken away so he could only wear skirts, or dresses and such. He felt depressed, he felt so alone in this fight. Everyday he looked at it with blue eyes, nothing looked normal, everything was bad, anything good that happened to him he could find 10 more bad things about it. He turned to food for comfort, he turned to walks outside for comfort, he turned to his childhood playground for comfort, he wanted to go back in time and never look at Soviet.
he still had scars around his body from the abuse, from his own doings - cuts on his thighs, his belly, his arms and back. He wished he could hug someone, a father figure, a mother figure, a big brother, anyone he lacked in his life, he wished he could hug this imagination. He hurt everywhere, it hurt everywhere. He tried so many weight loss tricks, not eating, apple cider vinegar, puking it out, anything, he couldn't go to a gym anyway, it was expensive, and it only added to the fact that he's different and had to be like everyone else, it hurt that he was different, why was he different?

He felt pissed now, he grabbed his phone sniffling and wiping his tears away, he went to the bathroom and grabbed his razor, disinfecting it before using it, even though he hated himself and wanted to hurt himself he cared about what touched his body, he was always very sensitive to everything, there were textures he loved and couldn't stop touching and sliding his fingers on - like the smooth bra lace straps, he went crazy over the texture of it. But there were textures that pissed him off a lot, like fuzzy blankets, he was fine napping on fuzzy blankets, but he'd cry and freak out when something fuzzy touched him while he went to sleep at night, it was weird, he loved furry things like animals and plushies bus fuzzy/furry blankets made him cry, loud noises made him cry, strong smells made him cry, anything that was too much made him cry. He sung along to a song that was playing "I need to cry, but I can't get anything out of my eyes, or my head..." he gently dragged the razor on top of his forearm, not doing it on the bottom, he was terrified of veins, he hated sharp things, ironically... he hated needles, he hated anything like that, especially when something like that was near veins.

The Estonian took a deep breath when he finished the small cut, he continued until his arm was covered in small cuts, he didn't go deep, he didn't want extreme damage, he just wanted to hurt himself a bit. "-did I die...?" he sighed and wiped off any blood and covered his arm in a bandage, he went back to the room and laid on his bed, hugging his plushie "it really hurts.. " he just whimpered and shook on his bed, the small country listened to the song until it ended, he put on a different song he liked a lot and sung along to it once again "I'm letting my hair grow long down past my eyes and my ears-" he smiled a bit, thinking about Finland, remembering the awful yet addicting smell of cigarettes on the Finn. He then thought about the things Finland said to him, he was frustrated, why was he fat? Why couldn't he be normal? The worst thing is that he ate normal amounts of food, and he was decently healthy, it was just his metabolism that was slow, it wasn't fair for him, why couldn't he be cool like the others? He promised himself he wouldn't eat, yet he always ended up eating, not today, not anymore, he will stop himself from this, he won't be called these things anymore, he won't take bullshit anymore. Maybe he should just die, maybe he should just overdose on pills and die a feverish death, no... he shouldn't, its only the start of the semester, everything can change in just a day. But what If it won't? Nothing good ever happens to the Estonian so why should he try anyway? He looked through his nightstands drawers and looked for some pills to take, melatonin pills? He cant overdose on those, he'll just feel sleepy, cough medicine, way too gross, then he found pain killers, he poured all of what was there out on the bed then he heard the keys outside the door jingle, he tried to clean up the mess but it was too late, America went inside and immediately to their room "hey I'm back- " he looked at the mess, he looked at the pills and medicine packets... silence... Estonia felt his heart sink "it's not what it looks like." "oh I fucking bet it is! Estonia! Why would you do this??" America put the bags down and went to hug him "I'm glad I came here before anything happen..."

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1527 words