streetlights.

.2.

chan yet again was faced with a choice, eat lunch with felix, or tell him you're busy.

chan in fact was not busy at all, just like all of the other times he had to cancel lunch with felix, he felt bad for doing so, but at the end the voice inside of his head reminding him of himself in middle school always won.

he felt maybe that if he ate lunch with lix, he could just throw it up later when he came home right?

he couldn't just leave lix alone, so he finally responded to his text asking if they could eat together.

lix<3: hey chan, do you
want to meet up for lunch?
if you're too  busy that's okay.
channie💞: sure
lix<3: do u want to meet
at the cafe over on 5th street?
channie💞: yeah  that's fine,
i'll be there in 20 <3

chan set down his phone on his coffee table in the living room with a sad sigh, even if he wanted to see lix, the fear of eating food never left his mind.

chan desperately wanted someone to recognize his struggles, he wanted help. he wanted felix's help. chan knew that if he were to find out about his eating problems he would be disappointed in the older, and that's the last thing he wanted.

even though chan wanted help, he didn't want to do the work for it, in his mind recovery was fine, as long as he didn't gain weight.

chan knew that was impossible, so he always stuck with digging himself into a deeper hole. at this rate if chan kept continuing what he was doing, he could end up dead.

chan knew that. he knew the consequences of what he was doing, but couldn't stop. he just wanted to be pretty.

he decided to just go through with it and go eat lunch with the younger, even if he dreaded it so much. after all if he really ate too much he knew sooner or later it would end up in the toilet.

the voice in his head was telling him to cancel last minute, and stay miserable, but part of him really wanted to see lix. he hadn't seen the younger in a while considering that he had made up many excuses to not eat with him.

it was an understatement if chan said he was scared to eat in public, let alone eat with someone else, watching his every move, watching him breathe, blink, everything. chan was terrified.

so there he was, phone in hand, debating on if he should come up with a lame excuse to cancel last minute like always, but something was stopping him.

chan decided to just get over his fear, and just go eat with the younger. he got up finally after a small struggle considering his weak legs that shook a bit.

he walked over to his bathroom to check himself, and to make sure he didn't look "chubby" no matter how many people told him he was skinny, he would never believe them.

chan ran his hands through this thin hair, and sunken in cheeks. he looked terrible. he looked like he hadn't eaten in days, he was hanging on by a thread.

he lifted up his shirt only to be greeted by his ribs poking out of his skin, he hated it. no matter how much his ribs stuck out, he never thought he was good enough.

chan looked at his sunken in cheeks, his dark circles around his eyes, and his collarbone sticking out. he knew that if the younger saw him looking like this he would be completely worried and probably wouldn't let chan out of his sight.

so, he reached for his concealer, and applied it under his eyes and some on his cheek, he blended it out, and added some color back to his face. he looked back in the mirror slightly satisfied, he still looked terrible, but it wasn't that noticeable.