The Internal Struggle

4

I'm sure you didn't come here for funny feel-good anecdotes though, so I'll get back to the reason I began writing this in the first place.

I mentioned earlier that Mr. Wilson had been helping me with revision for entrance exams. The thing is, everyone in my class planned on going to one of two "local" high schools; Crowley Hall and Redcoats. Everyone made their choice based on which of their friends were going where, or how far it was from their house. I, however, wasn't given such a choice. I was instead presented with a very different one.

When my mum was my age, she was very successful when it came to education. She got into Manchester Grammar School for Girls, the best high school in the North West of England. After doing well in all her years at that school, she went on to university and got herself a degree in Marketing and Business, and immediately landed a job at a pretty top end car dealership. So to say that she had high expectations for me is an understatement.

I was given the choice of going to Oldham, Bury or Manchester, and it HAD to be a Grammar School. I had no say in that matter. It was never even considered that I might want to be with my friends instead. And so the exam preparation began.

I finished my classwork early? Mr. Wilson handed me a practice paper.

We're on holiday and I'm trying to relax at the pool? Mum pulls out a practice paper and tells me that I'm wasting time. 

I no longer had free time. I never felt like I could do anything I wanted to do except for the briefest of times I was actually given a chance to play on my PS2. That small machine was my safe haven away from the world that was changing without any input from me. It felt cold and mechanical. Watching my friends being ecstatic about going to high school together hurt like nothing else, as it only solidified how alone I was soon going to be. 

A few months later and all the practice paid off. I got into all 3 schools and was finally given a choice. Not wanting to disappoint my mum or waste all the effort that everyone poured into me, I chose Manchester, the boys version of the school that my mum attended. Though I say I chose there because of my mum, I actually picked it for another reason. I knew that last year, there was another boy in the year above me who got in called Anthony, and I thought that I would have a good chance of not being lonely right off the bat if I could meet up with him. The more I think about it now, I really was a lonely child, longing for nothing more than a few friends who would stick around. I just wanted to be around people, I just wanted to feel wanted.

But the people I would meet at that school would make me feel anything but.