'Diary' of a cracked ice cube

Morning or the cold wind in winter

The cringey Haikyuu alarm I have been using for the past year and a half rang again. It was somehow wanted and unwanted at the same time. I can explain it only like the first step you make when you go into the sea. Cold and unpleasant. Refreshing and relieving. 

The past month has been very mentally exhausting with my mom and dad still not divorced, my medical condition getting worse and my fear of living in silence getting stronger. I don't think now is the time to talk about all these things, but I am thinking of making separate stories 'bout them.

A small detail about me is that I kind of love my face. Don't get me wromg I am not obsessed nor fascinated by it. I just like it. And my hair. I also try to keep up with fashion trends and I can say pretty confidently that in my very small city I am one of the best dressed. I have some color in my hair as well as a piercing. Kind of a basic one(helix), but I am planning on getting more this summer. 

This morning was different. I was disgusted with myself. And I was not even feeling ugly. In fact I was feeling prettier than most days. I was disgusted by the thing that went through my head for tha past 8 months. To be honest I am fed up with the bullshit that the pills I have to take every morning and evening help my mental and physical condition, but I still took them. How could I not. I am pretty sure that my mom counts them every day after I leave. 

I should stop here and say that I am also an excellent student. Actually number one for my grade. I also passed my final exams with a 100/100 on maths and 97/100 on my other exam. I have always liked studying, but only the things I am interested in. I think I might be one of those people that just listen in class and that's enough. I always get straight A's or at least B+. Ignoring all of this the only thing I actually love studying in school from the bottom of my heart is Maths. I have always been a natural at maths, but my story about this subject is for another day.

Well let's comtinue. So I was one of the few people who asked for permission to skip classes on the last week of the school year, which means that even if I skip a few no one will say anything. Today I was actually planning to go for my first class cus it was English, but I was still feeling like the sound of ice blocks cracking in hot water. Aka internal pain was the least. I skipped first period and I wasn't in the mood for anything. When I say anything I mean even my mom making her coffee made me feel uncomfortable. I found shelter in my safe place-my 'music world' or so I call it. The only esape from the scary silence. 

There is not really anything to mention about the time I spend today at school, but oh boy what was going on in my head when I got home. On top of my horrible mental condition the weather was hot hot hot. Scorching hot with hot wind. Stephen King book in real life. 

So I got home and sat. I just sat on my bed with music bursting from my headphones. It was so loud that outside I couldn't hear a car that was passing by me. The worst part about the pills I take is that they calm down my depression. Don't get me wrong, this is a good thing, but they aslo make me question what I actually feel except grief. I have been wanting to cry for the past 2 months, but no. Not even a small drop of bloody tears. The closest thing I had to feeling some kin of a strong emotion was when I was kind of excited to hear the results of the Ex-ray for my knees. I think you can all guess the outcome by now. It was not what my mom wanted to see nor me, but I feel like I was kind of relieved that my knees aren't getting better. After all that has happened the pain in my knees was the only thing that was reminding me that I am not only a body with a beating heart, but also a human being with emotions. It also made me realise even more how much I have changed, but actually haven't changed a bit, not even a little. You wanna know why? Probably no, but I will tell you. At that time I realised that for my 16 years I was never my own person. I was the vision and ideas of my manipulative father. When I remembered this today I wanted to cry. I was dying for a tear. I got sick of waiting and wanting, so I just listened to the music. The only escape from this reality that I have left. Until a month after my 16th birthday I had everything I needed to keep my mind away. I had healthy legs and I loved XC and ran everyday. Only while running I felt alive, really, truly alive. I could also draw, but after my mental condition got worse I draw only 'ugly' stuff. Which to me are not ugly at all, but my mother says that they are not something I should show. So now I only have my headphones. I am even scared to play the piano. My biggest addiction. I have been playing the piano since I was 5. After the thing that happened after my 16th birthday I get a panic attack whenever I try to play. My mom believes that my condition can get better and I will be able to play again, but only time will show. And so when i got lost I fell asleep, which reminds me that I forgot to mention one thing. For the past 8 months I have been able to sleep only during the day. To fall asleep at night I need to be exhausted and literally faint on my bed. If this doesn't happen I fall asleep around 5am and wake up at 7:30am every fucking day if I don't have an alarm for earlier. Somehow I have been able to sleep during the day for about 2 hours for the past month, probably because my body was too tired of functioning on 2 hours of sleep for 7 months. Anyways that's it for today.

Now that I have read this 'diary entry' I realise that I sound like a depressed emo girl from tiktok which I really hope that I am not. 

If you are interested in reading more about my emotionless days on painkillers leave a comment, I think that I will try to post more about my day than my thoughts.

Also comment if you wanna hear about the certain events that got me like this, my fear of living in silence, my mental and physical problems, etc.

Sincerely yours,

Anonymous Painkiller