END [ A KinnPorsche The Series Short Fiction ]

Chapter 2

The first time Kinn heard Porsche’s voice again was after weeks of sleepless nights. He was sitting on the floor with an empty and overly expensive aged bottle of wine, staring at his bed and feeling nothing and everything at the same time. It's all suffocating. 

Each time he closes his eyes, he’s back in that moment again. He’s holding him again, all so gently unlike the many times before —

— but all too late. 

His eyes were shut when he heard that all too familiar laugh ring in his ears and he could almost picture the way Porsche smiled with his eyes after their silly antics in bed. 

It’s so cruel to hear that voice inside his head so clearly, yet be unable to recall the look on his face. How many times had he made Porsche laugh again? He asks himself.

Not enough, never enough to vividly remember. 

Kinn couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of the situation. Porsche has been terrified of ghosts and now he is one, hunting Kinn's every thought and every whim and Kinn is clinging on to each horror like a fucking madman.

This is all he can get now, it’s the closest he’ll ever be to seeing Porsche again, and it hurts. 

It hurts so bad it leaves him reeling and grasping for reality each time. 

__________

Kinn wasn’t allowed enough time to mourn but he held onto Porsche’s body as long as he could. After Porsche’s body left his room, he never saw him again. Porsché forbid him from attending the funeral. The mere sight of him made Porsché’s skin crawl with hatred. Even Kim could not escape the younger's anger. Only Tankhun managed to talk his way in, after convincing Porsché that he was a friend of his older brother, and after everything that has happened, it was the least that the Theerapanyakun family could do. 

If he didn’t work for you,

If he didn’t trust you,

If he didn’t love you,

If you didn’t make him a part of your schemes,

He would still be here.  

To cope, Kinn convinces himself that he wasn’t too late that day, that the warmth that lingered a bit too long on his lover’s body meant something.

The warmth must’ve meant he was still there…

The warmth must’ve meant he heard everything Kinn had to say.

The warmth must’ve meant he was forgiven,

And Porsche heard the the words that were meant for him all along, 

He was loved.

Kinn loves him back. 

He loves him more than he has ever loved anyone. 

So every chance he gets, Kinn drowns himself in alcohol. He drinks and drinks until everything is a blur, and his tongue is numb from the bitter taste of it all.

He drinks to hear that voice calling his name again and again. 

Kinn drinks to remember the taste of love that should have been his.