As school came to an abrupt end and summer faded in, trixie's broken heart remained inconsolable. She'd thought the pain would be over by now. Four whole months and she felt as if the healing process hadn't even begun.
She'd go out with her friends and laugh her sorrows away while basking in the sweet summer sun of LA. No thoughts of katya at all. Nothing but her and the great company of her friends.
But then she'd go home and find nothing had changed except there was now a permanent tint of pink on her cheeks and her freckles were more prominent. Her skin was glowing, her tan was beautiful, yet her heart still ached. No amount of sunny days could heal the katya shaped wound in her heart.
She thought those feelings had gone away. She hadn't seen katya in a good month and she always thought that seeing her was what triggered the pain. Seeing her beautiful, seemingly perfect face. Seeing her body, the way her skirts shows off her thighs. Seeing her hair, soft and so tempting to run your hands through. She thought that was her issue. Simply vanity. But it went much deeper than that and she came to know that all too well.
She'd forgotten how her voice sounded, though, she'd only ever heard it from afar. She'd forgotten that lovely smile, the kind where her eyes would crinkle in the slightest so you knew it was genuine. She'd forgotten how the adrenaline of feeling for the other girl had felt. The butterflies that once fluttered in her belly were dead, long gone really, but she still prayed somehow they would come back.
Come back in a better form than what she had to settle for now. For now, if she wasn't forgetting about her emotions with her friends, she spent most days alone in her room. She'd snuggle the stuff animal she'd bought with full intent on giving it to the Russian girl and stuff her face into some cheesy romance novel she'd probably bought in a manic state. She could fall into her own little world. Pretending she was the main character. Pretending she was wanted. Romantically wanted, that is.
Isn't that the shame of it all? The rejection. It's not that she didn't want a relationship, she just didn't want you. She'd find herself sobbing reading old conversations. You messed it all up, you probably disgusted her. Trixie knew in her heart that she hadn't done anything wrong. The best thing in her life had just stopped, and she would never find the reason why. That, however, never stopped her from searching. Over analyzing every conversation, every detail of their small love affair but nothing was ever found. Truly, there was nothing to find.
Though her friends had advised her to unfollow the other girl and take some time to heal. She refused. She refused to let katya know how deeply affected she was by her selfish actions. She refused to let her know she was hurt. Instead, she'd watch every story and obsessively observe every post. Is that her new girlfriend? Does she still have the gifts I gave her? I wonder if I ever cross her mind. She'd go through every comment and every like hoping, praying, none of them would be her replacement.
It was a self destructive cycle, really. She'd be fine, almost happy, then somehow she'd find herself searching for the answer that would never be found. It was starting to feel like she didn't want to heal. She continued to reopen the wound and no one but herself was to blame. Maybe she didn't want to feel better. Maybe she didn't want to let katya go. Maybe this was just the way she was meant to feel forever. Maybe it was meant to be.
I mean, that's what everyone has been telling her. Everything happens for a reason. Biggest eye roll ever. It taught you a lesson. Yeah, a lesson she hadn't signed up to learn. A lesson she didn't need to learn. She shouldn't have had to been hurt in order to learn a lesson, she could've easily learned the lesson from one of her corny romance novels, or from watching her friends relationships. Sure, the lesson was learned, but at what cost.
She'd tried to forget about katya by talking to other girls. She found a perfect one actually, bob. They liked all the same things. She was funny. Bob practically worshipped the ground she walked on. But it wasn't the same. She wasn't katya.
And now that's what scares her the most. The idea that maybe one day she'll be married with kids and katya would come barging in saying she wants her again. She's scared of the idea because she knows she just might say yes. How could anyone say no to that beautiful, gorgeous face?
You would assume this had been a big love affair, perhaps one full of scandals and lust, right? Embarrassingly enough for trixie, it wasn't. The pair had barely even talked in real life, both too nervous to do so. They'd found another way to connect, a way straight out of a book. It was special, clearly more special to Trixie than it was to katya but, special nonetheless. As fast as their candle had sparked, it burnt out. Abruptly. There was no big scandal to split the two lovers apart, one simply just decided to stop replying.
Not talking though, oh no. Katya would still pop up then and again, texting trixie about the most irrelevant things, as if she was playing with her. Seeing if she would reply. Testing to see how deep trixie had fallen. It was a game. A game trixie didn't want to play. She never replied. Acting as if their past interactions had never happened, just as katya did. Her friends would explain it away as, maybe she just wants to be friends. Well, she's grown. A year older than trixie actually. She could've used her big girl words instead of pretending trixie didn't exist, then randomly deciding to talk after a month as if nothing had happened.
And now that's all Trixie can do for herself.
Act as if nothing had happened.
