It feels like a fever dream.
Like it isn't real.
So why is this happening to me?
Why?
If it isn't real why do I feel so hurt.
Why do I feel so damned lost?
And you're gone, you're dead.
And right now I don't want to know what death even means, all I know is that you aren't coming back to me. But for a second I'll believe you're still well and alive and enjoying life. And every weekend we spend all our time together.
Laughing and enjoying with each other. Loving and caring for each other. I wish it could go back to that.
But now I'm sitting in the middle of my room, watching the voice activity ring with such concentration, searching for any movement at all. Anything.
It's so late, I'm so tired. For hours I talked to you, for so so many hours. Why are you so stubborn. Why? Wasn't it simple to listen to my words. I tried so so hard.
All my experience, for so many months, I had helped so many. So why didn't it work? Why, why, why, why.
I'm so confused.
And you can't even explain it because your gone.
I said so many things, I begged and pleaded. I threw away my pride.
And I really thought you had come around, you weren't going to do it. I hoped so hard, I prayed to my own god, and ones I didn't even worship. I was willing to do anything to save your life.
To try and keep it how things were, to try and have the same comfort and peace I felt when talking to you.
And when I knew you wouldn't change your mind, what was the point. I knew how you were, stubborn as a mule. So what was I to do, but send you off with a gentle topic.
And to think your last laugh would be at my despair, but how quietly you told me to keep telling you about my day, and to stay with you. How could I refuse you then?
And I heard those words of declaration so clearly. For you to tell me you loved me made me feel so warm, so happy. And my normal overwhelming fear, when someone tells me those words, I never felt it when you told me that.
And I think I loved you too, no I did love you then. I still love you now. But I wish I realised sooner, then maybe we could've acted like an actual couple before you left.
And I often think about our age gaps. But people say there is no barrier to love. But I think again, that maybe you tricked me with gifts and sweet things and words. Tempting me only to break me. I didn't think you'd do that to me though.
You were such a responsible 17 year old, I remember. Always taking care of me and making sure I had fun. It was amazing wasn't it? I don't think I could put up with someone so much younger than me, but you always said I was very mature for my age.
I wonder how many years 'very mature' meant if I was 10. Perhaps I acted like a 17 year old too. Or maybe 14 for more accuracy.
Others have told me that our age gap isn't good. But if it's between us it's okay because I know you and trust you. And I know you wouldn't do anything like that on purpose. Because you can't control your feelings, right?
That reminds me of all the times you'd call me smart and logical. Is it a bad thing? Or a good thing? That's another question you'd told me would make sense eventually. Does that mean I'm cold and closed off. And sometimes rude?
That's what you had told me.
I don't mean it. And you know I don't. So now I think that's why you were the only one left for me. I understand it now, but I'd still like you to explain one day. Just in case I got it wrong.
Perhaps this is just infatuation. Or that I thought I had accepted this but I really haven't. I'm not sure. I have no idea why I'm realising it now.
That's okay though. Wherever you are I think you'd be okay. I know you're dead, those cries and screams were too real. The fatigue in your voice. It was all too real.
I hope it was all a big trick though. Even if that's make me really angry with you, I wouldn't be that mad cause I'm happy you're alive. But it's been years. And I even message you every month.
It won't be hard to just respond if you're alive, right?
So you have to be dead. Gone.
Which is okay.
Because I'll have some closure.
And I know you'll wait for me.
Because you love me, you even said you'll wait till I'm older before.
So you just have to wait longer. From 8 years to decades.
I'm sorry you have to wait for that much longer but it's okay. It's alright.
It's all okay.
I'll be okay.
And so will you.
Everything will be okay.
That's what you've always told me, right?
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bro im so tired I can smell colours it's crazy. those exams drained my balls.
wrote a little something. haha.
groomers suck. but what about the perspective of the victim. right? but without the therapy.
interesting? yes.
did I do research? what's that?
personal experience? yessir.
i have an urge to twerk.
okay bye
22:28am
-Onyeux
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YOU ARE READING
2 am OneShots
RastgeleOneshots I write when running on 3 hourse of sleep and 5 cups of tea Stan Korekiyo