depressed/self harm thoughts

Im such a coward

Sometimes....ok most times I feel like ending everything
I get a blade ready a note ready but as soon as I bring the blade close to my wrist my arms start to shake
and tears cloud my vision and I just can't do it
After everything I just wipe my tears away tear up the note put the blade away and cry myself asleep

I wanna die all the time
But when I do feel death near I truly want to stay alive