LILLIAN ✩

13 - Panic

You know that feeling when you have a constant pit of fear in your stomach that never seems to go away? It slowly eats you alive and leaves your body slightly shaking at all moments of the day. It's like your body preparing you for something bad to happen.

You'd do anything to get rid of that feeling. Take long naps, ask every single person you know if they're mad at you, or even freak out when you can't find your pills.

Right now, I can't find my pills. And I need them more than ever. Usually, Esther wakes me up with one in her hand.

I woke up with so much regret. My heart dropped to my stomach and I squeezed my eyes closed for so long. Everything I said to Klein yesterday made me want to move away and start a new life completely.

But, I felt so calm in his presence. Even without the double pills. I was on a high that I've desired for most of my life.

I woke up this morning, walked to the drawer, and saw a note in place of my Xanax.

You lied to me. Your tasks are in the office directly next to your room.

KG

The second I finished that note, everything in my world stopped. I pray to god in my head twenty four seven that I don't start panicking.

Especially when Esther isn't around. And more so when she is in a different state, which has never happened before.

I opened all the drawers furiously and desperately. Small sobs suddenly grow bigger as every single one does not reveal an orange bottle.

Klein. Where is Klein? I thought to myself at the moment.

I started to scream his name while opening the cabinets. My breaths became laborer and I felt my chest shrink.

No response was heard.

Tears begin to stream down my face rapidly as I neared the end of the cabinets.

Two things: I was alone and I was beginning a very intense panic session.

Fast forwarding 2 hours, there I laid on his kitchen floor.

Tears were dried on my face as I looked up at the ceiling. Occasionally, I would hiccup. But, I couldn't seem to move my body.

It hasn't been this bad since I was a young girl. At that very moment, Esther rushed me to the hospital.

At the thought of Esther, my lip trembles intensely. Oh how desperately do I need her right now.

I need her. I need someone. I just need to calm down, but I can't move.

Short but aggressive tremors make their way through my body every 5 seconds. My face remains monotone, but tears slide down the sides and onto the floor.

Another 10 minutes pass and I find myself becoming slightly drowsy. A part of myself is thankful that Klein is not here.

It would be extremely embarrassing for my boss to view me in this state. The last thing I want to be is a burden.

But the other part of me would enjoy Klein's company.

I feel my eyelids begin to close.

A nap, right here on this kitchen floor, shouldn't be too bad, right? And I can wake up before he gets back.

I close my eyes and drift off to a deep sleep.

—

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck..." I hear as my eyes look around in my closed eyelids.

My body is quickly lifted up into the air and my eyes stay closed.

Am I dreaming?

Klein's voice begins to get louder in my ear, "Fuck. Lillian. Wake up!"

My eyes snap wide open and I see Klein's huge figure above me while I am sitting bridal style in his arms.

My whole world crashes down again as I remember the events prior to my pass out.

Immediately, a small sob escapes my mouth and Klein drops my feet to the floor. I unexpectedly latch onto his frame and push my head into his chest.

"I'm s-so sorry. I-I know I wasn't..." I hiccup, "Two pills was too much, b-but- I won't do it again."

My tears are already soaking up his nice suit. Perfect.

Klein places his large hand gently on the back of my head, and the other around my lower back rubbing it slowly, "I thought you were dead." He whispers.

"This is my fucking fault. Don't apologize."

I hold him tighter, ultimately seeking the comfort of another's embrace. Usually, I'd be imagining it were Esther I was hugging. But, strangely, Klein's hold on me is calming me down much faster than any other medication could.

"Don't say that." I whisper, "It's not your fault that I'm like this."

I sniffle, whine, and hiccup into his chest. They seem to be getting smaller, but I'm scared for him to see my puffy eyes. I can't pull away.

Instead of my usual feeling of awkwardness, I feel comfort. I can feel the soft movements of my boss's large thumb on my back. Each circular motion pulls me higher in my mental clouds.

Suddenly, Klein leans down and grabs the back of my thighs. I yell out a surprised gasp as he hoists me up against him, like I'm straddling him while he stands.

I place my head in the crook of his neck and close my eyes. Remembering the breathing exercises I've practiced with Esther, I blow small breaths on the skin of his neck in a quick and slow pattern.

One of my eyes open and I notice goosebumps rising on his surface as my warm breath hits.

I blink my eyes lazily and rest my head back down.

He walks us towards the living room and sits down, leaving me completely straddling him. Except this time is different than yesterday. Yes, I feel butterflies. But, I don't feel anything sexual or inappropriate, just comfort,

We sit there for a few seconds, but I can't help but ask the one thing on my mind.

I lean back and place my hands on his chest.

Him and I lock eyes for a second. There's so much to discuss at the moment. So many words. So many questions.

But instead, I just ask one.

"Is this right?" I ask him. Referring to our current status as boss and employee.

He looks at me, "No."

"Is that okay?" I ask again with a frown.

"Yes."

He grabs the throw blanket a few feet away from us, pulls my body flush to his, and throws the blanket on top of us.

"Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."