Escaping Yesterday's Shadows

KABANATA FIVE

"Tawag ka nang tawag. Haven't you got the idea that I'm probably busy?" singhal ni Kuya mula sa kabilang linya.

Ilang beses ko na kasi siyang tinawagan bago niya ako sinagot. Paulit ulit niya akong pinatayan kaya naman paulit ulit ko rin siyang tinawagan.
          
A week has passed since I arrived in La Estrella yet there are still no progress regarding the accident. Wala pang binibigay information sa akin si Kuya. Hindi ko sure kung may balak pa ba siyang sabihin sa 'kin o ano. I'm getting impatient so I decided to call him.

I thought pagdating ko dito ay may maipapakita na siya. Kaso simula nang magpunta ako rito, he is nowhere to be found, ni anino niya ay hindi ko mahagilap. He doesn't live in the mansion with Dad anymore and has his own condominium. I don't know where. I didn't bother to ask my father where he lives now, at lalong ayoko rin siyang puntahan.
          
I pouted, and wanted to answer 'No'  just to spite him but, "It's been a week, ano na? Drawing ka naman e," I said instead.
          
I'm reading a self-help book on my bed right now with my stomach pressed against the soft matress. I brought at least three books with me in case I get bored. I finished reading a chapter, and flipped the page to the next one.
          
"Patience, Yumi. I'm still gathering infos," mas kalmadong wika niya na.
          
Napatigil ako sa pagbabasa. What does he mean by that? Hindi pa ba sapat yung information niya? Siguro naman maiintindihan ko yung situation kahit na mga basics lang ang sabihin niya.
          
"What am I gonna do now? Sana pala nagpaiwan muna ako, minadali madali mo pa ako. I'm getting bored here," Sunod-sunod kong reklamo kay Kuya.
          
"If you badly want answers, why don't you ask Dad?" Hamon niya, his voice is starting to rise again.
          
"What? No! He's busy! I won't distrupt him just to feed my curiosity," I said, fearing the possible consequences.
          
"And I'm not?" I could hear the sarcasm in his voice.
          
"But you promised!" I shot back.
          
Saglit na tumahimik ang linya bago siya nagbuntong hininga, "Do anything else for now. Have you tried watching Netflix?" Tanong niya, mas kalmado na ngayon.

Mukhang wala talaga akong pag-asa.
          
"Are you serious? I'm getting bored of the shows. Wala na akong mapanood na bago," giit ko rito.
          
"Books?" Suhestiyon niya.
          
I rolled, letting my back rest on the bed and stared at the ceiling, "I'm currently reading one but I can't just stay here forever reading. Hindi naman ito ang pinunta ko rito." I marked my words with finality.
          
"Puwede ka rin namang maglibot. No one's prohibiting you. Andaming puwedeng gawin kaysa istorbohin mo 'ko." Napangiwi ako sa suggestion niya.

This guy! He knows that I don't like going out!
          
"Ha? Dad is not here and I don't know if may driver pang available. Hindi naman ako familiar sa mga streets dito. What if maligaw ako?" Agad kong pagdadahilan sa kaniya.
          
"Mamasyal ka na lang mag-isa. Malaki ka na, kaya mo na yan. Bye, don't call any--"
          
"T-teka! 'Di ba alam mo namang..." I bit my lower lip.
          
As much as possible I'm avoiding crowded spaces as they remind me of an incident from years ago. I was told by my psychiatrist that certain places, people and events trigger PTSD.

I want to let go of the past but it seems like the past doesn't want to let go of me. It's dark. It follows me everywhere I go.

Just like a shadow.
         
Narinig ko ang pagbuntong hininga niya mula sa kabilang linya, "Fine, I'll send a list of places that you might like. I'll also ask someone to fetch you. 'Wag ka nang magmukmok diyan. Don't call me again after this 'cause I'll block you if you do."
          
Bago pa man ako makasagot ay agad na niyang pinatay ang tawag. I slowly put my phone down, and watched the ceiling for a while. Will I be able to hold it off forever? Hanggang kailan ka tatakbo, Yumi?
          
Mariin akong napapikit, at napabuntonv hininga. He is right. Hindi puwedeng magmukmok lang ako rito. It's been so long, I think it's time to finally go out of my comfort zone, to make a change. Yumi, see this an opportunity to finally move on.