Ch.3
I saw the yellow container fall to the ground.
I dropped to the ground, leaning against the side of the bathtub, cradling my knees. The urge and temptation I so long resisted was sitting just two feet in front of me, in a little Chapstick container.
Taunting me.
Self harm cradled me. She held me there and tears started to fall. Everything came rushing back.
The bullying for 9 years. The molestation. The rape. The divorce. The abuse and kidnapping. Everything that's set me just over the top.
It all flooded back and before I knew it there I was. Grabbing the container. Dropping my towel to the floor so I could pour out the contents of the container without making noise.
There it was. 4 blades from pencil sharpeners. 6 from old razors that I pulled apart. 3 safety pins, 1 straight pin, 1 Tylenol and 2 needles.
I grabbed one from the pencil sharpeners and replaced the blades in the container. I held out my wrist, and held the blade two inches above my skin. Curled up now on my knees I pushed down, and traced up three inches in a jagged line about 1 mm away from my vein, following the blue line carefully without ever touching It. The crimson tears bubbled up along the line. Dotted. Dripping. I dropped the blade and the tears stopped falling.
I finally brought myself to stand up and wash my arm. I cleaned up, placing the container in my sock and left the bathroom.
I changed in my bedroom. I closed the door and locked it, standing behind it and staring into the mirror. I mentally listed everything I wanted to change. The giant bulge of a stomach, the cellulite covere thigs, my too-muscular calves, my two wide ankles, wrists and shoulders. My non-existent thigh gap, collar bones and cheek bones. The "double chin" that I was the only one who could see. The way my fat hung over my underwear, the top of my bra, and the front edges of my t-shirt. The way my thighs arms and stomach jiggle when I walked. The list went on forever.
Then I saw Ana.
I told you. She mocked as I started getting dressed
I told you to throw up your food. I told you not o eat it in the first place. If you were to have listened to me you would've already been at 200 and heading for your next goal weight, but no. You had to ditch me to go be a fatass so this is your punishment.
I took a quick glance up and down my body. She was right.
