"Have you talked to Haknyeon recently?"
Mikyung sighed, glancing up at Sangyeon. "I haven't. I know I should, but..."
"It's hard to see many people right now," he finished for her when she couldn't find the words. "I know."
"I know you do," she said softly. She swallowed hard, bracing herself for a topic she wasn't sure she was ready to bring up. But she'd been wondering about it since her mother died. Still, even though two years had passed, she was unsure how Sangyeon would feel about the conversation.
"Ask," he said softly. She looked up, meeting his gaze. The two of them were sitting on the floor of his room, cutting up pictures and making a scrapbook with some of their favorite memories and pictures of her mom. They were going to write letters too, the things they wished they could say to her. Sangyeon had suggested it to her, as a way of letting go and celebrating the memories they did share. "It's okay," he said. "You can ask."
She gave him a small smile. "You know me too well," she said, but didn't say anything else. She wasn't even sure where to start.
"You're making me nervous," Sangyeon grumbled after a moment. "Just say what's on your mind."
"How did you do it?" she whispered. "How did you cope, after Soyoung died?"
Sangyeon closed his eyes for a second, his face contorted in a brief expression of pain. "I didn't," he finally said, opening his eyes and looking back at her. "You remember, don't you? For the longest while, I didn't. And it's still hard," he admitted, his voice wavering a little and tears filling his eyes as he remembered his fiancée.
"I'm sorry for bringing it up," she said quickly, already regretting it. "I didn't want to bring up painful memories for you."
But Sangyeon was shaking his head. "Don't be. Don't be sorry at all. Painful memories have been coming back a lot more these days," he said, half-laughing as he shook his head at himself. His eyes were still filled with tears though. "The happy memories are sometimes the most painful. Don't be sorry. I think about her everyday anyway. You're not bringing up painful memories."
She nodded, unsure of what else to say.
"I didn't cope well," he finally started again. "Not at first. I wanted to go to therapy but... I couldn't afford it. So I just fell down a downward spiral, as you likely remember. But then," he said softly, looking up at her again. Tears fell down his cheeks as he reached under his shirt and pulled out a locket that was attached to the small chain around his neck. "I found this." He paused, looking down for a moment to collect himself before raising his eyes to meet hers. "One day when I was crying in bed I could practically hear her voice in my ears, scolding me for being such a pitiful mess. So I got up, and when I looked around I finally realized what a disaster area my room was. And so I started cleaning. And this was in one of my drawers, along with a note from her. I guess she'd left it for me there one day, but then the accident happened and I just... you know. Anyways, look inside," he said, opening the locket.
Mikyung gasped, covering her mouth with one hand as her eyes shimmered with tears of her own.
"A picture of us, one of my favorites," Sangyeon said, pointing to one of the pictures. He was smiling now as he gazed at the picture of him and his fiancée. "And the picture of our unnamed baby," he said, pointing to the other. A tiny, tiny picture of their ultrasound. So small that she honestly couldn't see the baby, but she knew what the picture was, and it made it so special. "I'm sure she's named the baby by now though," he said softly, tilting his head so he could look up.
"I'm sure she has," Mikyung agreed. "That's so beautiful."
Sangyeon smiled, closing the locket and tucking the necklace back underneath his shirt. It seemed to fall right over his heart. "When I found that, I just sat there and cried for hours," he said, laughing at himself a little as he pointed to a spot by his dresser. "But when I got up, I finished cleaning. And then I went to my phone and made an album of all the pictures I had together, all the pictures I had of her, all the pictures I had that reminded me of her, and the pictures of baby clothes and stuff that we wanted for the baby. I printed all of those and made a scrapbook, like we're doing here," he whispered. "For some pictures, I wrote on notecards and wrote down the memories I had related to the picture. On the very last page, I wrote her a long letter. It was my final goodbye, and my final promise to her. To love her forever. So I have it there," he said, pointing to his dresser drawer. "In the place I found the locket. One day I'll show it to you, but I'm not ready yet," he admitted. "I framed some of our pictures," he said, gesturing to the far wall. "And I keep wearing the promise ring," he said, holding up his hand. "Her's is in the scrapbook. Some people told me that all this makes it harder to let go. And maybe they're right. Because I haven't let go of her. She's always going to have a special place in my heart. I think it just made it easier to keep going with my own life. To enjoy life again. I started being able to cherish the memories we had instead of dwelling on the fact that we'd never get to make new ones. And even though it's still hard, doing that made it easier."
They were both crying now. Mikyung reached forward, wrapping her arms around Sangyeon in a hug. "You're so strong," she whispered. "So very strong."
He hugged her back, shaking a little as he cried. Or maybe that was her. They were both crying too much to really tell.
"I miss her," he whispered, his voice breaking. "I'm sorry Mikyung, but the hurt never really goes away. It'll get better, but it'll never really go away."
She just squeezed him tighter before pulling away, wiping at her tears. "One day, you're going to see her again," she said confidently, taking his hand and squeezing tight. "You'll see her and your beautiful baby, and I'll see my mom. We're all going to meet again and when we do, we're going to be so, so happy."
He smiled at her. "You're so strong," he said, echoing her words to him. "So very strong."
"I know," she said, trying to make the mood lighter. "Now, will you help with the scrapbook? Since you're the expert and all? I don't really know where to put this..."
As they continued working together, her heart filled with gratitude. Her best friend. The person who felt like her older brother. She was lucky to have him in her life. Him and her father were two of the best men she knew.
There was a third, and she figured it was about time she went to see him. Because somehow, she was now feeling a tiny bit stronger...
