Dear Diary

I have figured out the crow's name. Endeavour. I have been thinking about a name for you as well, my dear Diary. But in reality, this is much more complicated. You are not describable with something as simple as a name. I will later decide a name for you. Endeavour has yet again accompanied me today. I shall see him as a friend, a companion. He again did not leave my side the whole way to school. He even sat by the window of my lessons. I might ask him to walk beside me soon. I want to see how wild this creature actually is. I want to see if I can enslave his wild character. It may not be as exciting as training an animal like a tiger, but it is all I will be able to handle for now. And I like Endeavour. Crows are creatures of the dead and the dark. They make the sound of metal crashing and thunder roaring, but with the soft touch of the relief of leaving this world. They have soft feathers, like the ones carrying your soul once it leaves your body. Some people believe in the afterlife. I do not. I think people just float up somewhere for their existence to be forgotten. Religion makes people believe in the afterlife. I do not care about religion. I care about beliefs. I do not know if there is a god. I do not know if there is no god. I do not doubt other's beliefs. I do not doubt my own beliefs. They have theirs and I will have mine. Religion brings hope and fear. Belief brings just hope. I dislike hope. I like crushing other's hope. Seeing the hope fade out of one's eyes brings the feeling of power. Their god can't save them from me. Their beliefs can bring them to the place they wanted to go to after death. Beliefs are thought about and questioned. They are developed to the optimal purpose. Religion is not questioned. It is the way it is. People believe it with no other thing in their mind other than that what they believe is the only thing that matters. This is why it is more fun to take their religion off of their pedestal. You can see the hope fade out and fear take over. The subject takes on mindlessly what their religion says. Getting religion out of the way is the same as making room for fear. Fear is beautiful in its own way. It makes you look twice before crossing a street. It makes you cautious of what you may eat. It makes you hold your purse close, scared of robbers. It makes you act differently from normal.

Remember how I started yesterday? I have a quote that explains my dreams. Of course I have come up with this myself. I rely on no other. 'For thy shall be as wretched as Frankenstein's creature, thy shall have the vivid dreams of Dante as one's hell visitor, and thy shall perish in the everlasting time of night.' I do rely on my mother a bit, but I do see this as a different case. I rely on her because I live under her roof. I rely on her because she provides me of the nutrition I need to grow up. I rely on her because she cares for me. I rely on her because I care for her. No, that is not correct. I do not care about people. My mother is just my mother. I cannot help but care for her happiness. She is not happy with me, I realise that, but being the mother she is, she still cares about me. I care for her and I do not. She dislikes me. She loves me. She shows this often. She takes care of me when I am sick. She leaves me be when I am healthy. I care for my dear crow the same way. I feed him and I make sure he is not sick. When he is healthy and fed I will leave him be. Endeavour is a wild creature after all. I want him to be my creature. It would be nice to walk into places with a crow on my shoulder. I would look quite badass.

I do not have many earthly desires. I do not hope for good health. I do not hope for revenge. I do not hope for love. I do not hope for wealth. I hope for knowledge. I hope for signs of the inhuman. I hope for signs of death. I want to discover death, dear Diary, I cannot tell you enough. I want to know all about death. I want to know about the things after death. I will figure it all out. By myself. No one wants to help anyway. I do not need anyone and no one needs me. That is how it has always been and it is how it will always be. I do not need anyone other than Endeavour. I do not need anything other than you, my dear Diary. I do not need anything more than my own space. Some peace. Some quiet. Some silence. Some storm. Some war. Some anger. Some noise. I need to know everything. I need to know nothing. My desires are at war with each other. We shall see what happens.