Dear Diary

Today I was told to stay in bed and sleep in. I found out Endeavour indeed went in my room because I found feathers on my floor. I will go downstairs around noon to get something to eat for myself and for Endeavour. For now I will satisfy myself by spending my time making homework and thinking about my future goals. I made some math homework but I got quite quickly bored by this. It is so simple, so easy. Formulas. History, just as easy. World wars. I know all about it already. I follow a lot of languages. French, German, English, Spanish and my native language. I dislike French and Spanish. The grammar of those languages are very hard. English is easy. You may have noticed this from the fact that I am writing this diary in English and not my native language. My dear Diary, I dislike my schoolwork. It is too easy and it bores me. There are no recent activities at school which I have found interesting other than physical education. I like sports, They keep my brain moving and give my body a release it did not know before. I like the feeling of my muscles moving underneath my skin, the way sweat breaks out on my forehead and how I easily could get a prize for playing sports. I am good at most sports. I win at basketball, soccer, estafette, football, baseball and hockey. Fighting sports are my everything. The way my muscles move to damage the victim in front of me, is beautiful. The power you feel when your opponent falls to the ground is perfection to me. When talking about school there are only very few things I like. I like biking there. The wind blowing through your hair is nice. I like the lonely breaks. I like the peace in those. I like sports and English. They challenge me with extra exercises. And I like biking home. Maybe if I were not this difficult to understand, then maybe others would like me. I do not get happy from being lonely. No one gets happy from being lonely. They get happy from getting left alone. I get happy from being left alone. I do not get happy from always being on my own. It is boring. I have no one to talk to. This is why I have you, my dear Diary. You make me less lonely. You may not talk back but it is nice to be able to share my story. Endeavour does not quite listen or stay. He is a wild animal. He comes and goes when he wants to come and go. I do not mind. I think I would like a friend. Dear Diary, how do I make friends? I do not wish to be lonely no more. I want someone to talk to. Someone to be close with. Someone to like. Someone to go to. Someone to love. I want peace in my thoughts. Peace in my head. Peace in my surroundings.

I went to eat something and was send back upstairs to rest. My nose does not hurt as much anymore but it looks quite swollen and blue. I placed a piece of bread in the opening of my window and Endeavor immediately picked it up and ate it. I slept through the rest of the day. When sleeping, or at least trying to, I cuddle my pillow and a plush I got as birth gift. It is a nice feeling. Something warm to lay against. Something that feels safe. Someone that feels safe. I should stop thinking about such thoughts. These are irrational thoughts. I should not think about befriending or loving people. Those things are not my thing. They can be everyone else's thing. I do not want it to be my thing. All it brings is pain. Pain and sadness. I do not want to be sad. Sadness is a pain I do not want. I plan on staying on my own forever. It is safer that way. It is safer for my research. It is safer for my feelings. It is safer. I do not want to be safe. I want to love someone. I do not want to go through the pain love brings. Life is lonely. Only one person can make it less lonely. Do you believe is soulmates, dear Diary? I might. I want to find someone who I can consider my soulmate. I have not yet found anyone fit for this role yet. I do not think I am fit for the role of anyone's soulmate. I want love. I want to be loved. I want someone to love. I may be more human than I thought I would be. I have more earthly desires than I thought I would have. I wish to be normal. I wish to be different. I wish to be accepted. I wish to be myself. I wish for company. Proper company. Not a crow. A human being. I want to be more human. I want to be free from the curse I set upon myself. The curse of loneliness. The curse of the freak. The curse of the dream. The curse of the nightmare. The curse of myself. My curse. Our curse. Dear Diary, this is our curse. You shall live through this as if you were walking beside me. My only true companion. You and me together. Until death do us part. Until I have written my last sentence. Till I am happy and youthful once again. Only that is when we part. Your friendship is dearly requested in these times of horror. I lost myself. Help me find myself again, dear Diary.