The Master of Poisons

The Eighth Amendment

(8th Amendment is no cruel or unusual punishment. Being poisoned repeatedly probably counts.)

The guards were both nicer and more cruel than I had previously envisioned. Not only did they have standing bets on which day I would eventually die from my poisons training, but which poison would do the deed. 

Besides that small detail, they were actually very nice. It felt good to talk to someone that wasn't actively trying to poison me on a daily basis. 

"So why'd ya' do it?" A guard named Fredrick asked, wiping his impressive beard with the back of his hand. "Poison the King, tha' is." 

 I swallowed the mouthful of ale I was drinking and winced before answering. "I wanted him dead. Why else would you poison someone?" 

I realized my mistake after the words left my mouth. The whole table erupted in laughter. 

"Ask yer Master, he seems to have lots o' reasons." The bearded guard said, through fits of laughter. 

"Yeah, and while you're at it, ask him why he even kept you 'round?" Another guard chimed in. 

"Pro'lly cause he killed all of 'is volunteers already" the bearded guard said, causing another fit of laughter from the table. 

"Yeah, probably" I muttered, bringing the mug back up for another drink. 

"It's no' like he... he..." The bearded guard said, growing quieter as he repeated the word. 

Everyone at the table froze, their eyes locked on the bearded guard. 

"There's..... someth... in..." he tried to say, bringing a hand to his throat. His eyes grew wide, fear and confusion clearly evident. 

"A poison", the Master said from behind me. 

Everyone but the afflicted bearded guard leapt from the table, spitting out whatever they hadn't already consumed from the meal. One man stuck a finger in his throat and vomited, trying to purge any potential poisons in his own meal. Everyone parted as the Master hobbled closer to the man. 

"What did you do!?!" I shouted, rushing around the table to catch the guard as he slumped in his seat. 

"You asked me to stop poisoning you." The Master said matter-of-factly. "So I had to poison someone else. Now pay attention, apprentice. The purple coloring along his face indicat-"

"STOP POISONING ANYONE!" I shouted, cradling the guard's head in my hands. 

The Master tilted his head like a confused dog. "I'd be out of a job if everyone played nice like that, apprentice. Now, I have simplified today's lesson for you."

The insane old man opened a flap in his robes and retrieved three glass bottles, each with a different colored liquid inside. 

"These are three antidotes." He said, still speaking like a lecturing professor as the poisoned guard clutched at his throat. "One will cure him, the other two... well, they won't." 

"Which one is it?!?!" I yelled. 

"That depends on what he has been poisoned with. Determine that, and you will find the correct bottle to give him."

I glanced back at the poisoned man in my arms. His face was entirely purple now, and his hands slowed at their clawing motions. 

"The color indicates he can't breath. If he can't breath, his throat is most likely closing. If his throat has closed..." 

The Master offered the three bottles to me, and I accepted. One bottle contained a blue liquid, one a white powder, and one a red balm...

I opened the balm jar, sniffing it experimentally. It didn't smell like much of anything. I couldn't tell if that was a good or bad thing, but I didn't have long to ask. 

I turned the jar upside down, and scooped the viscous liquid onto the man's throat. 

The bearded guard lay still.

I massaged the balm into the skin, spreading it further across the man's neck and rubbing it more into the skin. 

The guard gasped, then coughed violently.

"Well done." The Master said. "Follow me back to the-"

I spun, furious at the insane old man. "You could have killed him!" I shouted. 

"Yes. That is one outcome." He said, indifferently. "And you saved him. So that was not the outcome."

"Are you always going to poison someone to teach me?" I said, as I helped the guard into a sitting position.

"Yes." The Master replied immediately. 

I shook my head in disbelief.

"If you would rather return to our previous arrangement, apprentice, I will. But unt-"

"I'll do it." I said, not looking at the man. "Just don't poison anyone else. Please."

The Master said nothing. I heard the thump of his cane, growing fainter as he left the dining hall. 

Nobody spoke. The only sound now was the alternating coughs and gasps of the bearded guard. 

Finally, another guard spoke up. "Please don't eat with us again." He said, his voice trembling.