The Mandala Project

1 - The Disappearance of Daisy Rhodes

Nicole Caiting | Blue Falls, Texas | July 1993

I fidget with the hairband on my wrist when I'm nervous. If I didn't, I'd be tapping my fingers, bouncing my knee or biting my nails.

I stopped biting my nails years ago. That habit lasted twelve years, plus two trips to the hospital to treat infections. But two months ago, I started up again.

I sat cross-legged on my bed, sitting over the white covers and leaning against the wall, letting my head rest against the window pane above my bed, staring up at the cracks on the ceiling and brown spots due to water damage.

During heavy storms, I'd sometimes wake to water dripping on my face from the cracks. My mom always said she'd fix it or hire someone else to do it. But we had very little money and hardly enough time on our hands. My mother worked two jobs while I worked part-time at Patsy's Diner --down the road.

My father had left when I was young and my mother remarried to a man named Darrel Rhodes, from that my little sister Daisy was born. My mother had a rough time attracting decent men, as my stepdad was an alcoholic wife-beater and drug dealer. A bad one too because he got arrested when Daisy turned two, six years ago.

It seems I took after my mother, as my first and only boyfriend had too much in common with my mother's past mistakes. But maybe my dating life just had an unlucky start. Perhaps he was a learning opportunity.

But I needed to be there for my mother, and I should have been there before Daisy disappeared.

Two Months Prior (May 1993)

"Leftovers are in the fridge. I'll be back from work at 7!" My mom called up the stairs. I could hear Daisy's faint laughter from the living room. Slumping off my bed, I mosied downstairs to say goodbye to my mom in my PJs.

Standing at the top of the steep stairs, I gave my mom and short wave as she disappeared out the white front door. Daisy laid on her stomach on the fluffy white carpet in front of the couch, playing with paper dolls and creating stories in her head. I used to play with the same dolls when I was her age.

Eleven years ago, I loved those dolls so much. Now, I threaten to throw them away when they're left on the floor.

I was eleven when Daisy was born, and now I'm eighteen with no future beyond Blue Falls. I didn't want to accept that I'd probably spend the rest of my life in the same town. How would I get anywhere from here? Maybe I was selfish to want to leave.

I knew with my luck and upbringing; that it was unlikely that I'd be able to land a life as a mom who stayed home with the kids while her husband went to work. Is that truly what I wanted? I thought about Max, my boyfriend. Would he provide that life for me? Or would this end as fast as it started? Maybe I was too selfish.

My mother liked Max when she met him, but part of me figured he wouldn't be a good match for me. I lost my virginity to Max. It wasn't anything special; even though it felt good while it happened, I felt nothing for him during or after.

I was told that sex was supposed to be this beautiful thing shared between two people who loved each other. But it wasn't like that between Max and me. It just was what it was. Maybe I shouldn't have felt so neutral toward him.

A deep, dark chasm stood between us and even with my efforts to reach him, there was always a lack of closeness. But despite that, when he called me and asked to go out tonight, I agreed to go.

I told myself that I loved him.

I sat on the couch, my elbows on my knees and my chin resting on my hand. "Can I have breakfast?" Daisy asked, perking up from her dolls. I couldn't always decipher what she was saying, as Daisy had never been able to pronounce her words properly, we figured it would go away as she got older, but she was eight now and still struggling.