Shea's Journal Entries

Shea's Journal Entry 6/28/22

6/28/22

          Some very upsetting changes have occurred in my life recently. My childhood dog Oreo had to be put down on Friday. He was my childhood dog and I miss him badly. He always reminded me of my late dad, someone I will always look up to. My dad gave him to me on my 3rd birthday. I still have photos from that day framed in my bedroom. It hurts to look at them because I can't ever relive that moment again. I wish I could hug my dad right now. He passed away in December 2007, just days after Christmas. Oreo reminded me of the amazing person my dad was. He was friendly, accepting, genuine, and a great role model. Oreo was a great role model and brother to Finn and Bear. He would always play and cuddle with them. Although they fought sometimes, their bond was amazing. It reminds me of my own bonds with my family and friends. The dogs are still wondering where he has gone, and I don't know if they realize he's gone forever. I am still struggling to accept his death, and my life will never be the same after this. Also, I graduated high school recently and I feel super lost in life. I feel like a failure because I'm not living up to my grandparents' expectations. I feel like they pressured me into applying to Duke because they wanted me to continue the family legacy. From a young age, they pressured me into studying STEM subjects because they wanted me to get a high status job. In reality, I don't care about status and money all that much. I really don't want to waste my life away working a job that makes me miserable. Hell, I don't even know if I want to work any 9 to 5 job. I hate how society pressures you into thinking you have to be productive all the time. As much as I love my grandparents, I really wish they would back off a little bit and support me unconditionally. I am super grateful they are paying for my college but I'm not even sure I want to attend Duke. I really wish I could just take a break from everything. Politics, societal expectations, all that fun stuff. It hurts seeing how divided this country is. I wish everyone respected each other and loved each other regardless of their beliefs. We all could benefit from more love in this world. These days, I don't have the energy to keep up with politics or abide by my grandparent's expectations. I just want to spend my life making memories with my family and friends. At my graduation party, my grandparents lectured me about how I'm not living to my "fullest potential" according to them. I felt like I wasn't good enough for them. It sucks because I love them deeply and I hate to see them so disappointed in me. On the positive side, I am going to Greece in a few days. The anticipation of this trip is what is keeping me going these days. I've always looked forward to visiting. It's such a beautiful place, and I'm so lucky that I get to visit it with such beautiful people! Both Charli and I get to go along with our families. I hope this vacation helps me take a break from the bothers of daily life. I am actually kinda glad my cell service won't be that great because I won't be able to check social media. Social media is a huge trigger for my anxiety and would take away from the joy of this trip if I had access to it. The only thing that sucks about not having great reception would be emergency situations but for the most part, we'll be sticking together. Being able to bond with my family will really help me feel less alone in this grieving process. I have no idea what I am doing in Greece yet, but I know I'm visiting Athens and some of the islands. I am very excited to try new foods and collect new experiences. I feel that traveling with Charli has brought us closer together. When I went to the Netherlands to visit her family, I met her wonderful cousin Lotte! Lotte is 10 years younger than me, but I feel we got along really well. She was super sweet and loved hearing stories about Charli and I. I would cuddle with her in bed and she would ask me to tell the story about how Char and I started dating multiple times! Her eyes would light up and she would beam with joy! I cried tears of joy when she would go on about being inspired by me. I showed her our YouTube channel and we really bonded when we watched the videos. She truly is a wonderful person and I really miss her. I am so lucky that I get to see her again for her birthday! Her family is coming to D.C. and staying with Charli! They're coming in early August since her birthday is on August 6th. She's turning 8, and I can't wait to see her grow up into the wonderful woman I always knew she would be! Her family raised her right! We had a special connection and she was drawn to me! In such short time, she left a huge impact on me and I can't wait to become closer with her. Anyways, I know I kept switching the topic a lot but I was in the mood to write a lot. I've been going through a lot and it feels so good to get my words out. I share my writing with Charli and she loves how I write about my emotions. She's actually with me right now and is waiting for me to be done. She says my entries make her cry, which I hope is a good thing. Anyways, I'm done for the day! I hope you all have a good life! I love everyone who read this from beginning to end!

Love,

Shea <3(Yours truly)