Novaturient

(adj.) a desire for powerful change in one's life or situation.

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I can still clearly remember the time when she asked me if I have ever thought or imagined that on a given day we're okay and the next thing we know is we're already falling out of love or at worst losing one of us.

I told her, "No." because I am certain that we'll make it 'til the end.

Then she went into details on how scared she is that it might happen one day—she's afraid that her past will repeat itself and she'll be left with nothing once again. At first I never knew how excruciatingly painful it is because I've never felt it in the first place. . .not until that day came.

"Hey," I lifted my head and saw Bailey, one of my closest friends, taking his seat just right beside me. I only nodded in his direction letting him know that I acknowledge his presence.

None of us dared to speak for the first minute that passed when he decided to break the ice probably already found the words he'll tell me.

"I'm so sorry for what happened." he carefully uttered, perhaps second guessing his choice of words that might hit a nerve.

I mentally scoffed from hearing those same old words that I've been receiving from people lately, either way all I could ever do was to take it and reassure them that it'll be better.

I have never imagined that once in my life all her words will come true, just like how she always told me before that a day will come and I'll get tired of hearing those continuous apologies.

I used to find it amusing whenever she speaks for herself and her thoughts but now I hate that she's always right with all those.

"What can we do to make you feel better somehow, Ervin?" a soft yet glum voice neared and there I found Keith, one of our higher ups, taking the space in front of us.

I shook my head and offered a small smile in return at least to let her know that I don't need it but I'm thankful even so.

Receiving those supposed comforting words was my spiel when we're still together and I would always wonder why she always ends up feeling frustrated whenever I ask or simply tell her such.

Now I finally understand why. All along I have thought that whenever she's in this kind of despair all she needs is someone to hold on to and those comforting words, then I've realized that in times like this we'll never really know what we really want.

"What happened was not your fault," they assured me, trying to make me feel at ease with the things that's going on but none of it seemed to be effective.

Back then I would always tell her that none of everything that's happening to her was her fault but she'll still end up blaming herself, and now I finally get to understand the exact feeling she always had to deal with every now and then.

I keep on taking all the blame even when everyone tells me that I'm not responsible for any of it.

We had to take a time off—which they insisted—reasoning out that I needed to let myself take a breather, I did so but I know and I'm sure they know that it's not working. It just won't work.