Say You Will Part 2: The Tour

Now I Know Just What To Do

***P.S. Stella Buckingham and I share a birthday. I turned 27 the day she was born and took myself to Tiffany to buy the heart toggle bracelet. Just a random factoid lol.
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Santa Monica, California
Tuesday, April 20, 2004

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"She's here. Her name is Stella, and she's beautiful."

The sound of the phone ringing beside Stevie's bed had awakened her - as well as Sulamith - about an hour after she'd gone to bed. A quick glance at the cable box through squinted eyes had told her it was after four in the morning, and no one else would be calling at four in the morning except for Lindsey, who'd already called earlier that night to inform her that Kristen was in labor and they were on their way to the hospital, leaving Will and LeeLee at home with their grandmother. Sulamith had started barking and spinning around on the bed when the phone rang, but she'd settled down under her mother's gentle hand.

"Stella! Oh, that's pretty!" Stevie sat halfway up against the pillows, covering a yawn with the back of her hand and then wondering why she was going through the trouble if she was alone in the room. "How's Kristen?"

"Exhausted and wrecked but okay," Lindsey said. "This is the third one; she knows what she's doing by now but still, yikes." The most awkward pause endured until finally he said, "Stevie, I didn't mean..."

"I know." She took a deep breath before she spoke again. "Well hell, congratulations, Dad! I mean...one more Buckingham in the world!"

"Yeah, true." Lindsey knew this conversation was killing her. He remembered a very similar conversation in July 1998, when he'd called her in Arizona and gotten Barbara on the phone first...

"Congratulations, Lindsey," Barbara Nicks said to him over the phone. "You're going to make a great dad...and your dad is smiling down on you, you know."

"Thank you, Barbara." Lindsey took a deep breath and asked, "Is Stevie around?"

"She is, but listen to me first, young man." Lindsey was almost forty-nine years old, but he had known Barbara for over half his life, and when she called him young man, he listened. "You'd better seriously watch how you share this information today, understand? I know this was all an accident of fate here and I know you did not set out to purposely cause Stevie any pain...but you did, Lindsey. She's not the same and Jess and Christopher and Lori and I sit up nights talking about whether or not she ever will be. My daughter has the biggest heart in the universe so she's going to wish you well and love your brand new son because he's yours, but trust me - having a big heart means you love more, but it also means you hurt deeper than anyone knows. Do you understand what I'm telling you here?"

"I do, Barbara. I'm sorry. I understand." He felt like he was five years old, but he also knew Barbara was right.

"Okay then. Hold on for a moment and I'll go yell upstairs to Stevie. And Lindsey, congratulations again. I love you, honey. I always have and I always will."

"I love you too, Barbara." He held the phone and waited as he heard her yell "Teedee-bird!", and he was trembling with fear as he heard Stevie's voice talking to her mother as she got nearer to the phone so he could tell her his son had been born...

Lindsey looked at his watch as he stood in a corner of the maternity ward of the hospital. He said, "Listen, Stevie...I hate that I had to wake you up to tell you this, and I hate that we're even having this conversation, and..."

Stevie cut him off. "No. Lindsey, listen to me. I love you. I love your children. I know this was the total opposite of how you saw this all going - fuck, me too - but there is a precious baby girl in the world now and she's half of you and I love her already. Stella hasn't even been in the world a whole day yet; she's not to bear the burden of shit adults have done that complicate everything. It kills me to think of you and that brand-new baby only because you and I never got to share that experience, not because I have any ill will towards the her, or even her mother." She sighed. "This is what's happened, Linds. We just have to figure it out as we go along."