Hello, my name is Bella and let me tell you about the summer I changed for good. I've always been a "normal person" with average weight, average looks and decent grades. During the summer I came across edtwt which is how I got my eating disorder. My...
Hello, my name is Bella and let me tell you about the summer I changed for good. I've always been a "normal person" with average weight, average looks and decent grades. During the summer I came across edtwt which is how I got my eating disorder. My eating disorder destroyed my relationship with food as well as relationships with family and friends... let's not get too deep anyways i'm very underweight now. My life changed in a matter of seconds.. im noticed now. I couldn't wait to get back to school so people can see that i've gotten prettier. well the worst thing happens ... "he" fucking saw me on edtwt and decided to fucking dm me. SO EMBARRASSING!!!!!!!!
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Well this is it ..my twitter account and where i spend most of my time online. Edtwt literally gave me advice on how to do things such as counting calories and how to burn them off. It felt like i could say anything without getting judged for it and it felt amazing at first but now i can't go a day without checking it.. but i still like it don't get me wrong.
I've kind of romanticized my school life so that I'm willing to go .. I know it sounds crazy but it kind of helps me not freak out over summer break ending soon. Ever since My body changed people have been treating me differently like for example boys have been noticing me more. I've had people actually praise me for the way I look now which I've never gotten in my entire life and I noticed the sudden change in behavior when it comes to my male friends. I found it very difficult to have a conversation with people my age so it develops into a friendship and suddenly I'm invited to all of these parties .. I didn't go BUT STILL. Not only did other people change around me but I did too .. I wear clothes I wouldn't normally wear due to insecurities. Not only are there good aspects of an eating disorder but bad ones .. extremely bad. I cant even eat without feeling extremely guilty afterwards. I could never explain how I'm constantly thinking about food but also restricting myself from eating it. It got to a point where I obsessed over calories and not eating over a certain amount or competing with strangers over how skinny I look compared to them. I wanted to be the skinniest girl in the room so skinny that people are concerned about me .. I want people to think about how skinny I look when they first meet me. I want to be so skinny that a modeling agency will look past me because I'm too skinny only then will I stop, only then can I relax .. only then I am enough.
School just started and I don't remember doing anything memorable during the summer apart from not eating. It feels like i have wasted my time and i remember having plans at the start of the summer break and i've just wasted it because i'm such an introvert. I'm on my way to school sitting in the backseat of my dad's car and he's barely talking to me anymore and overtime it just became awkward.. I mean we can barely hold a conversation without cringing. To kill time I'm just on my phone without really doing anything .. I'm just writing meaningless stuff on my notes app so my dad won't think I hate him although I'm very thankful that he's picking me up and driving me to school every morning like he used to when I was little. My dad is a lawyer and my mom is a doctor, I never really get time with them.. I mean not that I'm complaining but i don't think that this is how a family is supposed to be. After overthinking from the start of the ride till the end of the ride .. I'm finally there, I'm at school. Dad gets out of the car and opens the door I'm sitting next to and says "have a nice day sweetie, make sure to speak to your teachers". "yeah, i will don't worry about it" i say as i take out my bag and correct my school uniform. I walk into school looking for my two friends Ashley and Jane .. I walk through the grass and god they're good at hiding. I should probably message them .. this is not working out.
Girls chat +346 new messages Me: Where are you guys hiding tf..
Ashley: We are beside the bench outside near the door
Jane: Hurry up bitch we have been waiting for hours
I think i see them and it looks like they're taking selfies without me ..wth We have been friends for years and years ever since I could remember and our relationship changed once I distanced myself from everyone. Wait until they see my new body ..wait until they see the new me. As i walk in i could feel people staring at me ... are they staring at me because they think im new or because they know about my disorder. I wanna run back all the way home and my hearts beating. And my thoughts get interrupted by- "where have you been"~jane It looks like she just got a haircut and it looks really nice. "you guys forgot about me.. already" i make a sad crying face "shut up ..come give me a hug"~ ashley they both hug me and we hear the bell ring shortly after. "we just had a moment wtf clock"~ jane i see her pointing the middle finger at the bell like it could be offended we all walk into school and it's not as crowded as it used to be.. this year we have no new students except for those who are exchange students. The hallway is so empty and our first period is at the grand hall and we walk up the stairs. Did they notice or did i do it for nothing ? I could feel them be suspicious of me "you look different bella" "i do" i say surprised ... fake surprised ;) this is what i want
as we walk up the stairs we notice ashley's boyfriend and his friend group walk by us without saying a word to ash "what happened there?" i say to ash "i don't know we haven't been the same ever since summer" "what happened during summer ash?" " i don't know we both had vacations and did not bother contact each other" they just grew apart .. is that it.. " jane what are you doing?"~ash I look over at Jane and she's so fixated on a student I haven't seen before .. perhaps an exchange student.She's really pretty tho, she looks really skinny is that natural or does she also have an eating disorder. Ever since I started overthinking about my disorder I look at other skinny people and wonder if they're like me. "got a crush?" i say to her she snaps back and we laugh at her As we walk into class i feel like everyone is staring at me.. i don't know if this is my paranoia or the fact that " whos the new person" are they talking about me or someone else " she looks different..kinda pretty" it must not be me. I look down as I take a seat at the back of the room and Jane, along with ash sit next to each other as always.
My feet are tapping, while clicking on my phone .. Can the day be over already? I feel like I have too much attention on me.
