I was too young and blind to see (VENT BOOK)

Coping w/ Death and Trauma Non-Stop

My friend from childhood(Mikey) died last month and I hadn't seen him in a while bc I had stopped going to church I was heartbroken a month or two before 1 of my family members died and after Mikey and great granny, Joyce died another family member died and then my friend's brother died and I can't mentally deal with myself rn and I push away my feelings every time (I guess domestic life was quite my style) I know I should stop making jokes about my mental stability.

I started that first part on a day when I have human video practice ( its kinda like dance ministry ) and during our 15 minutes worship time I was clicking a mechanical pencil without an eraser for some reason I was super stressed so that reminded me of when a teacher ripped up my test because I was making anxiety-related noise the test hard so I started clicking my pen and she said ill rip up your test if you make any more noise so after I stopped my leg was bouncing and my shoelace kept hitting the metal part of the desk and she ripped it and that sent me down a train on bad school memories. So I asked to use the bathroom and I went into a stall and I couldn't stop crying I just kept saying I don't wanna remember every time I felt like I had control of my breath but I don't what to call it anymore because my dad and Nana both said that's not a panic attack. (Will someone tell me what it is)