TWENTYYOUNG (nsfw)

dark green

She didn’t want loyalty or commitment. She wanted nothing to do with the confines of her gender and had no interest in staying behind the lines drawn by society. Consumed by lust and independence, she had no shame in her pursuits. She was scared to be loved but had no fear of wanting to be wanted. She loved to be used and experimented on. Yet, scared of being taken advantage of.
She wanted 100 boyfriends but wanted to be the girlfriend of no one. She didn’t want to be saved but she wanted to be found … found because she believed she was lost. Lost because she knew right from wrong but … the wrong path was full of temptation. Tracked with the dozens of footsteps of other good girls.

The ceiling seemed to rise higher and higher away from the bed. At the same time, she felt her heart sinking into her chest. It was adrenaline. Another forbidden act purely out of impulse. Out of hurt feelings. A desperate attempt to fill in the cracks that were still bleeding anguish.
“Was I too rough?” He asked breathlessly. “I got caught in the moment.”
“No. You were fine. That was exactly what I wanted.”
“Oh… okay. Great.” He tried to laugh it off but looked at her quizzically. “Are you okay?”
“I’m good.”
He couldn’t understand her sudden apathy when just moments ago she was screaming into his neck, grinding on top of him with so much energy. It concerned him that she was now laying there motionless and not looking at him.
“You wanna go get something to eat?” He asked trying to get more than just a few words out of her.
“Nah.”
“You wanna smoke?”
“Nope.”
“Well, what the fuck do you wanna do? You not saying shit.”
“When I called you, why did you answer?”
He hesitated to say something but he couldn’t find the right combination of words to answer her.
“I mean you could’ve just let it go to voicemail.” She continued. “You could’ve just straight up decline the call. But, no you answered me and right off the bat knew what I wanted. You know what I want every time I call you.”
“Why would I not answer?”
“You have a fucking girlfriend.”
“So, what? You know you were here first.”
“I keep expecting you to reject me. To do the right thing. To make me put a stop to running back to you constantly.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I know you need it.”
“If you didn’t want to hurt me, you wouldn’t be with her.”
“You never wanted to be with me! What the fuck do you expect me to do? Your confused ass don’t know what you want.”

This on and off “situation” they had was him wanting to be with her more than she wanted to be with him. She only ran to him for coddling when she missed him. When she was disappointed with the yet another guy she wanted to replace him with. She never wanted to be his only but, she wanted him to be her’s only.
He had an unspeakable quality to him that she couldn’t find anywhere else. A comfort that no other guy could duplicate for her.

“I want you to stay.” She said quietly.
“What?”
“I want you to stay” she repeated. “Don’t go back to her.”
“Why? Why do you want me to stay with you when you don’t want me?”
“Because, if I don’t have you I won’t have anyone else. No one else is going to love me. I  want you to love me even if you I don’t love you.”
He was quiet for a long time. She never looked at him. Too afraid that she’ll implode if she caught eye contact with him.
“I hate when you do this shit.” He got out of bed. “This girl actually wants me to be apart of her life and I answer every time you call and think this may be the moment you tell me what I’ve been wanting to hear. But, it’s just more of… this. I can’t even fucking love her with my all because I’m too busy waiting for you to make up your mind.”

She knew that she couldn't find a way to love him. She only loved the idea of him and the way he always put in the effort to make time for her. The way that he shamelessly, continuously welcomed her back with open arms when she’d get involved with another man and come back to him when she missed him. She loved that he was always available. But she’d only do more harm than good to him.

“I can’t keep doing this with you.”
“You know that’s a lie.”
“No, I’m serious. If I can’t have you to myself, then I don’t want you at all.”
“You love me.”
“Do you love me?”
Silence. She laid there silent. Searching for one last lie to keep him on his proverbial leash. Silence.
He got on top of her and pressed his forehead against hers. “Tell me you love me.”
Silence.
“Please tell me you love me.”
Silence.
A single tear from his eyes dripped onto her cheek. They both knew that that moment was it. The end of the road. Letting each other go was something they knew they had to do but they’d forever keep the memories in the deepest corners of their hearts.

dark green.