A Piece Of Memory

Storia 16 : A Photograph

I was already in Welmina when my father died. And I had been there for almost a week when I heard the news. But just like the rest of my friends, it seemed impossible to ask Otto's permission to leave. Because he's still angry with what I did. That's why I couldn't attend his funeral right away. But Sarah was once again my savior here. I don't know what she was doing, or what she had spoken to Otto earlier, but the situation completely changed when I explained how it was. Even when I haven't asked her for help.

But the flight back to Bandung really felt empty. Only painful memories that I remember along the way. I suddenly remembered all the events that had happened between us before. And I suddenly regret the way I treated him the last night before I left again. I wish I could be with him in his final moment. Give him what he wanted. Which I can never do again. All of those feelings suddenly gave me some kind of excuse that I was the one who caused him to die. Throughout the journey, I could only stare out the window, with eyes that continued to glaze over. But no matter how much I regret it, I would never be able to bring him back again.

It was dark when I got home. And I faced my mother again as the door finally opened. Even though I didn't get any response either. In fact, she was no longer surprised to see me coming. I knew she still couldn't clear the tension between us. I also don't know if she still expects me for coming. Even though she couldn't do anything to stop me either. Confusion, in the end we could only pass the time in silence. I immediately stepped into my room. And choose to be alone again.

The next day, then all my feelings that are like strangers in this house slowly unravel. My Uncle Thomas, he started asking a lot of questions about my work. Before directing the conversation to my father. "Let it go!" he opened the conversation. And there he spoke the truth that for a moment made my throat suddenly dry.

"I'm here because of your father. And that's because there's something he left me. So, it would be very wrong if I didn't convey it." He paused for a moment, as if looking for a way to say it again. "I know how your relationship is like. But shouldn't it, fellow families don't get along with each other? He just wanted to say sorry, Ryan. And you know yourself, he can't say it anymore now. That's why I'm the one who delivered the message. And he really does have high hopes for you, Ryan. In fact, he is completely helpless just to make his own last wish."

It sounded shocking, and I was speechless.

"I didn't mean to interfere anyway. Just delivering the message. After all, there's nothing wrong, right, if you grant the request of someone who has died? Try to remember his kindness while he was alive. Surely you can still find it."

He added again, for the last time.

For a moment, I suddenly felt a considerable amount of pressure welling up inside my stomach, which instantly rose towards my chest, and left nothing there but a deep regret. Then from there, I felt like I could feel where I was now. As I stare at the remnants of my life in the shadows of horror. Dying, yet everyone chose not to care. Even by his own son. Moreover, the reality that hurts him the most is when his last words must be represented by others. I know this is the end of a bad life for him. But it was a reality like that which he had to face it.

I could barely sleep another night at that time. And I've only been able to lock myself in my room since hearing the news, staring at the ceiling and repeating the previous conversation over and over again, hoping to find something to calm my soul for a moment, but I always fail.

It wasn't until the next day, when I was starting to feel a little better, that I returned to spending my time sneaking into my father's room again. Sitting and contemplating on his bed. It's been more than two weeks since he died, but it feels like I could still feel his presence there. On the table, right beside his bed, I accidentally found our family album. Memories that are formed as long as the age of this family. Then I carefully opened the cover which had been worn for a long time, before finding many photos inside. But somehow, the first thing I noticed were the photos taken when we were kids. One of them is a complete photo of this whole family. For as long as I can remember, it's the single best photo ever taken of this family. I could see my mother standing in the midst of my sisters, while my father drew closer to me. A fact that is actually quite easy for me to remember. As if he wanted to show his pride. I watched it closely, then recalled how I felt in those days. As if I felt the time that seemed to take me back there. When I could feel the warmth of his hand that he wrapped around me. And this is one of the best memories ever created between us.

I removed the photo from the album, along with the other photos that involved me in it, while put the rest into the cupboard, before my attention then turned to my father's clothes which were also stored in it. One of them was the clothes he wore the last night before I actually left. Even I can still imagine his shaking hands as he pretended to play the television remote in his hands. Which was so discouraging, because this was the last time I'd ever seen him alive. The memories that came back suddenly made me unable to hold back my tears again. And for some reason, the tears never seem to stop. For as long as I can remember, this is the biggest regret I have ever felt in my entire life.

I brought all the things I needed before leaving again to Welmina. The future makes me have to do the painful things. On the plane, there was nothing else I could do then but stare at the photo I kept in my pocket. I kept staring at it there, feeling when this family was still a family. Because this is the only thing I need to remember everything.

Sometimes I think it might heal all the wound that has happened between us, even though the same thing will never happen to the rest of my family. Me and them, for as long as I know, we will most likely continue like this. Because after everything that happened now, I know I'll never come back.

Finally, four weeks have passed since my father died, the present life has allowed me to set foot again in Welmina. Although now I already have a number of a life goal that I want to fulfill. I think I can start it with Sarah first. Regarding her birthday gift that many times came late. And by a coincidentally also that if the gift I ordered for her finally arrived.

I never told her of course. I also mean as a surprise. Maybe by taking her out to dinner once or twice. I could even feel so excited to look forward the fact. I don't know why, but looking forward to this life is really an obsession for me. I wanted so badly to live my life with her, wanted the most of her time, her attention, which I want it more than anything in this life.

It might sound selfish when I expect something in return when I love her, but how can I not? Isn't that what should happen when someone is in love, right? The time we spent together, however, will always be a strong reminder between us. But why, how could she do that to me. After everything that I did to her, after all the sacrifices that I made this far, and this is how she answered. Right hurt my heart and my feeling.