A Piece Of Memory

Storia 13 : Unwanted Phone

After leaving Bandung, I never thought about going back. Not only because I'm busy that I don't want to do it, but also because I don't have anything important anymore that makes me want to go back home. Apart from that, there are some things related to feelings. When people regard family as a precious tie, a place for good emotions to build between people in it, a memory that cannot be easily replaced, but to me, family is just an empty stat and never means anything. Many times I've hear people say about a mother's tenderness, a father's protection, those who will always cheer you up when you fall, someone who can always be a friend on the way to maturity, but I will never and will not be able to find this out-that kind of thing in my life.

Sometimes I get angry with God. To the fate that told me to live like this. I guess it would be better if I never knew them at all, would i? Because I don't need to think about their existence anymore. But hope is always a hope. Which I can't avoid anymore.

Exactly six days before Sarah's birthday finally come, I suddenly got a call from Bandung. My Uncle David called me this time. And he wanted to talk about something about my father. I don't know where he got my number from. But I immediately knew that what he said must have sounded bad.

My father, was seriously ill when he told me. Lymph cancer had been eating away at his body for a long time. Before suggesting me to return to Bandung immediately.

When I first heard it, I probably didn't know what to do. Even I can't even explain what happened to my feelings at that time. I don't know if I'm sad, or starting to feel my sympathy for him. Although mostly, I just feel emptiness. For three days my phone kept ringing. They also tried to persuade me again and again, saying that they were still family. They talk a lot about forgiving, forgetting, something which of course I still have a hard time accepting it. I know if they really understand the situation. If the conflict inside this family is no longer a secret now. And they keep trying to find a way to make it relieved. Something that is certainly not an easy thing to find a solution. After all, it's clear that there's a lot involved in it, which means that it's me and my family, but it looks like I'm the only one who causing the problem. Something I couldn't bear it.

A part of me still said, if most people just think this is just a light of things, a small problem that doesn't need to be exaggerated, as if wasting a child is a trivial matter and a form of normality now, which can be easily forgotten. Looks like they've completely turned a blind eye to the damage it's impacted on me, as if only the children were to blame, while parents can be free from all mistakes, even if they don't even need to fix it. A flaw in social standards due to a lack of partisanship and empathy, right? And, this is what I hate the most.

I know the underlying issue is a matter of forgiving and forgetting, but how can I not look back to behind me, while the trauma is still lingering in my brain. Emotions that are unstoppable and continue to accumulate, over time it turns into a grudge that will surely never know how to end it. The cause-and-effect relationship that obviously will end somewhere it can figure it out.

And on the fourth day then, it was my aunt Maya who called. But this time her tone sounded gentle and empathetic at the same time. I also did not find any tone that seemed to teach me there, or wanted to show her position.

"Your father needs you. All the family need you here. Look at him one more time. Maybe this could be your last chance!" she said.

I remember it well when she didn't go into details. I even knew they weren't trying to hide the truth from me. But from her words I knew very well that my father was really dying.

And this was the first time I started debating the dilemma I had to face at that time. Part of me reminded me that they had been mean to me. So, what I'm doing now I think is right in one sense. Even though the other me still showed unbearable feelings. And again, besides the problems above, there are still my parents who never even try to contact me at all. They never called, or just said how they felt at the time, which made things even worse.

The next night, I could barely sleep the whole night. I could only lie in my room, staring blankly at the ceiling, and trying hard to control what I was feeling, at least to the point where I could consider it normal. But strangely, I actually remembered all the memories with my father when I tried to do so. Which some of which are even heart-wrenching.

I still remember when I was a child. I thought my father would always drop me off and pick me up from school. Where he would always ask for pocket money that I had. Before giving me add so that the pocket money remains. Then, when our family was reunited, I knew he was the only one who would always make time for me. I can even remember it clearly from the photos I've taken. Which is a bit against my mother because she prefers my sisters. Then when school ended, he was the only one who ever attended the report card collection. I also know that he never shows his annoyance there. Because I'm the one who never showed bad report even once to him. But out of all of them I think the incident when he made me a number of toys was the most enjoyable. He used to fly kites for me. Because I'll never even have a chance to play it. While my mom used to scold for no reason when I played it. Even if that pleasure I can get just by looking at it.

I know that humans are never free from mistakes. However, I still feel that their mistake is the biggest mistake they have ever made in my life. Kids should be loved. That's what older people often say, right? Although until now I still can't find such words in my own life. Three nights in a row I kept reflecting on it. Still, the decision I made didn't necessarily make things a little better for us.

Then on the last day, when Sarah's birthday finally arrived, I asked Sarah to meet again. I took him to a place called Roca's Restaurant. Roca's Restaurant itself is a restaurant that also has its own uniqueness because of the place to eat dinner. Which is built over a pool and connected by a number of passages. One could even see ornamental fish swimming right below it. We were also quite lucky that night, as the place wasn't full. And there, I began to tell her. Meanwhile Sarah listened well when I told my story.

"I think you should go home too Ryan. You haven't seen them in a long time after all."

I could see Sarah's supportive and sympathetic with my problem. And she really understood what I was getting into. Even when I told his father that I was worried, she also told me not to worry too much.

Of course, I never asked Otto's permission to leave again. Even when I took Sarah out of Welmina too, it meant I ran away from work again. I also explained it to Sarah about her late birthday present. But the answer is again the same as I've heard for the umpteenth time.

"This dinner has been amazing too, Ryan. It's a very special night for me." she said. "And..., thank you for inviting me here."

I think I'm the one who should be thanking you.

I began to reach into my pocket, taking out the small catalog pieces that were inside. Which contains a picture of Sarah's birthday present. Before showing it again right in front of her. I know that's another stupid thing I did back. But the fear of losing Sarah completely messed with my whole way of thinking. I know Sarah was a little taken aback when she got what I meant. I don't think the Alexander Cristie watch is too much.

"Good grief. You shouldn't have bought me that, right?" She said, as if she couldn't believe what I was doing. The light in her eyes really told me that.

"It doesn't matter. I told you earlier, if I wanted to?"

"Yes, but it must be expensive." She tried to say it as naturally as possible. "I won't be disappointed either, even if you don't present anything." Then she continued.

"It's okay, really. I'm the one who decided. I just feel happy if you like it too."

This time she didn't answer me. And just stunned right in front of me. But I also don't expect anything in return. Besides she can be a little considerate of my feelings.

"You must think I'm ridiculous, don't you? Shows the image like this. I mean, a gift like that should be a secret right." I said again at last.

"No..., I don't think so. I think you're very kind, Ryan." Then she said kindly.

And I caught the sincerity in her tone. Makes me not know what else to do. And I kept looking into her eyes, while she didn't take her eyes off me either. There was a smile on his face.

That's how the beautiful night ended.