i wait out the time that it takes for grizz to come back. after it seems like it may be later than i expected, i text allie to ask if i could stay at her house until we knew more.
when i turn my beams off and arrive to the pressman residence, allie quickly brushes me inside.
"you good?" i say since her movements seemed pretty eager when i walked in. "yeah just, you came alone right? no cars behind you either." i'm a bit lost at allie's change of attitude, but go along with it.
"no i, didn't see anything." i say before cassandra quickly walks past and out to the cars. "guys we gotta go to the church, now." she pushes and i follow them into the car, noticing gordie and will were in the house as well.
we walk in and a group of people form at the altar.
"luke texted, he needed us all here immediately—something happened, but he didn't say what." helena says as i find a seat on the steps. more people begin to filter in. helena calls luke, but the audience witnesses the buzzing continue for a minute. no answer.
"anything?" cassandra asks helena. "he's not answering, and neither is grizz." fuck. this was the worry i felt when i tried to be okay with grizz leaving: the one i wanted to push past. now, it returns and stings in my chest. i pull out my phone to try myself, and instantly text grizz; 'are you guys ok' even though i know something must be up.
there's no response.
"they must be headed back here." harry obviously points out to the group. i look up to see his face, being a few feet next to mine. all i know is, whatever happens, harry will most likely come out on top of it. except, like i said before, i can't hate him for it. i think all of us would do the same if we had that power.
"that's why he wanted us together." he completes his claims. "so fast, twelve hours, maybe they found something?" i hear kelly say to my right. helena validates my concerns as she questions: "or maybe they found nothing, why wouldn't he say if it was good news?"
that face of hope i tried to put on this morning, the one i barely forged; i know it's gone. although i thought i've been in worse situations than this, just being disconnected from the whole world feels so...different. i knew everything about the real world. the hate, the anger, the patriarchy. now here, it's like, shrunken down. yet it alienates us from the real world.
cassandra stands. "listen, hey listen up!" she calls out. once again taking the leader position, but i'm not complaining. i'm pretty sure i'm shaking just thinking about this isolation.
"while we're all here, together, there are some things that we ought to figure out." cassandra says to the now large group. i'd guess pretty much all of us are present. "before we rip this place apart and maybe...you know start hurting each other." she states. the darkness of her words now seem more realistic, and that terrifies me. "i don't know what the hell is going on. maybe luke will come back with some good news." those words lose the crowd, and i spot everyone's eyes turning away. we all know something must have happened—something not good.
"maybe?" a voice close to me speaks. "of course he will." i turn and see elle tomkins looking certain. drastically different from my emotion. i wonder if
something's going on between her and campbell. i've seen them together on multiple occasions here, and i can't help but be jealous–even though my resentment for campbell still stands.
"yeah why don't we just wait and see, cassandra." harry once again strikes down cassandra's confidence. it's pretty much routine at this point, the two butting heads. most of it seemed unspoken throughout the school year, until now of course.
"because i would rather prepare for the worst before the worst happens." cassandra's philosophical expressions practically write themselves. "what does that mean, prepare?" kelly asks beside me. "i don't know, specifically. but i think it means we agree mot to just take things when we want." says cassandra. everyone's been scrambling to obtain resources like animals, so i already smell the disagreement among us all. "until all the food is gone and...we starve." fourth wall is broken once again.
"well i'd agree to that." i hear allie say in the second pew, with others expressing their agreement behind her. except we all know who disagrees. "this is all bullshit." harry calls. just like earlier, will speaks up at harry's ignorance. "jesus, man, what's your problem?" he sits on top of the pew in front of allie. "what are we agreeing to, cassandra?" harry says quietly, but i'm close enough to hear it. my eyes float to cassandra, who's uncertainty begins to show. "which one of us gets to decide who gets what?" harry antagonizes. "it's called democracy." becca gelb says.
BECCA GELB was someone i thought i admired. i knew her close relations with sam, campbell's twin, and always thought of her as a nice girl. i never properly "hung out" with her since campbell wasn't exactly very close with sam. but i still respected her. she always was caught laughing with kelly or handing out 'thank you' cards to our teachers all school year long.
the time i began to despise becca was a moment i'll never forget, no matter how much i try to.
WEST HAM, THE ELIOT RESIDENCE APRIL 2ND 2018.
it's technically campbell and i's 7 month anniversary today. but he had nothing planned for us, and neither did i. i wasn't really expecting anything, but it would have been nice for us to do something.
it was getting later, and the sun set down. at 8:28 i texted him: 'wyd' hoping i could just watch a movie or something with him. any time with him sounded nice. these past few weeks it's seemed like he was pulling away, even though i know i didn't do anything wrong. if anything, it was him who required an apology. (but i wouldn't spend my time begging for that.)
after no response, i decided to take matters into my own hands. i drove by his house and saw his bedroom lights on, and his car there. i knew his back door code, so i walked into his house. no parents were there, but i knew he was upstairs. now it was nearing 10:00, so i tried to remain quiet while i stepped up the stairs. sam's bedroom door was closed, but campbell's was left a crack open, meaning it wasn't locked. i peek it open and find something out of a nightmare.
his bed occupies becca gelb lying beside campbell, who's wearing nothing but boxers. the bed sheets covered whatever becca was wearing, but i could tell it was most likely nothing. my jaw almost drops before the door is shut. campbell definitely saw me, because he comes towards me whisper-shouting: "evan, evan, EVAN." the last one rings in my ear and stops me in the hallway. "i don't want to talk to you." i say standing still. i can't turn around, i just can't. "what were you doing?" he asks so casually. so casually for someone who was just caught in the same bed as another girl. "what were you doing?" i whisper-shout back. now i see his face, no stain of regret present. "i should have listened, no i should have listened." i repeat, referring to harry bingham on homecoming night. "no fuck." i scold myself. this shouldn't have been the last straw, i shouldn't have forced myself to let it come to this. i shouldn't have ever fell for campbell eliot.
"evan just stop." campbell says while i turn around to leave. i feel a pull on my right wrist, and it feels violent. familiar, but violent. and i can't do this all again. i run. i dash down the stairs and don't look back until i'm out of that house and back in my car. i know campbell never chased me, as if he cared enough to. i just drive all the way back to the white house with the blue shutters. when i arrive, i cant simply walk in the door. i sit out in my car and sob, i can't do it all anymore. i'm never going back to campbell.
and i never did.
