The Summers After

twenty-two

CONRAD

It's snowing.

Conrad gazes out the window, the snow is falling so lightly it probably won't stick.

Belly is curled up next to him wrapped in a blanket. Things have been quiet since she came home from the hospital. She tries to be the same mom for Matt and Henry, but she's broken and there's nothing Conrad can do to help.

They're up at the beach house right now, just the two of them. Conrad though it would be good for them both to get out of Boston. Belly didn't say one word the whole ride. Conrad doesn't approach the subject about trying again, even though that's what his Dad has said at least 10 times, it feels icky.

Whether people understand it or not, Conrad and Belly are grieving a child.

Conrad kisses her forehead and she makes a small little noise. She must be awake.

"Hi," she says softly.

"Did I wake you?"

"Nope," she says with a little pop of the p.

"On a scale from 1-10, how's the pain today?" Conrad asks. It's his doctor way of showing he cares, he asks his patients that question all the time. Except with Belly, he doesn't care about her physical pain. He wants to know how bad her heart hurts.

"An 8." She says quietly.

"Will you talk to me about it?" Conrad asks.

Being at the beach house in the winter is always an out of body experience. There's a fire burning in the corner, Belly and Conrad are bundled up in sweatshirts and pants. They drink hot chocolate, and eat soup. It's a stark contrast to their summer months here — sunburns, night swims, little to no clothes other than a bathing suit. The world just feels different here in the winter.

"I feel like a failure," Belly mutters.

Conrad runs his fingers through her hair, "Why?"

"Because it's like my one job in the world to be able to have a baby and I couldn't do it."

"Belly, this was not your fault. Sometimes this stuff just happens." Conrad is fighting back tears. His heart is broken seeing her like this.

"And I didn't tell you. I got to experience the joy of knowing for weeks, and you just had to find out and then start grieving." Belly is crying now, "I'm so sorry Conrad."

"Oh Belly," He says quietly.

"I hate myself." Belly whimpers, "And I'm so mad, but I'm also just incredibly sad. I'm sad for me, and for the baby, but mostly I'm sad for you."

"Me?" Conrad asks.

"This could have been your girl." Belly is full on crying now, and Conrad pulls her into his chest.

"Look at me." He says firmly.

She does. Her brown eyes are full of tears, and so many emotions flash across her face. He has never seen her this heartbroken before.

"You have to forgive yourself. You just have to."

"What about you? Will you ever forgive me?" She chokes out the words.