Suicide Note

7:00 am

       The smell of pancakes, yes , you're reading this right. That morning, December 28th, I woke to the smell of my mother's pancakes. I know, I know, everyone says that their family member's recipe is the best, but my mom's pancakes were to die for.

      I lifted my blankets off of my body, and stretched as if I'd been paralyzed my whole life.
"Cracks and crunches." I said quietly to myself as I twisted my spine until it made delightful popping noises.

    After climbing out of bed I slipped on a pair of pajama bottoms, because God knows if I were to walk the halls in my boxers the world would end right then and there...well at least that's how my mom made it seem. I walked downstairs and sat on the same squeaky barstool I always did.
"Good morning mama"
My mom turned around and I then noticed the cell phone nuzzled between her ear and shoulder. She smiled faintly and mouthed "Good morning".

    She always seemed to be on the phone when I woke up, but it never bothered me much seeing as we never really had conversation with each other. Come to think of it, I avoid it if anything. All those years of trying to have a simple conversation that would just end in anger and frustration as I'd storm away from her. Granted I was younger then, now I know better. Now I simply don't speak to her except for the routine good morning, goodnight , yes ma'am, no ma'am. It may not be ideal, but it works for me.
  
    Just then a plate of pancakes hitting the counter snaps me back into reality. I hadn't even realized this whole time I was staring out the window. As I began eating the pancakes, savoring every bite, I take notes of all the flavors I love. The vanilla extract and the pumpkin spice that I just adore. I return my gaze out the window to see what I was staring at before. Flowers.
  
   The flowers outside the window were surprisingly still colorful despite it being the end of the year, I suppose it's because it hadn't snowed at all this season. It's so interesting to see how well things can thrive in the proper situations. I often think that about myself , how would my life be different if my mom and I had a relationship, if I had a father figure in my life, and if I didn't everyday think about ending it all.