My Testimony [ON HAITUS]

Overview: Season 3

Okay, so I recommend getting comfortable and prepared at this point because this is where things are going to start getting a bit crazy and unbelievable. 

A couple weeks after camp and before school started, I had a dream. I dreamed I was downtown (not a specific downtown I don”t think, it just looked like a stereotypical downtown city); it was night and I was walking down the street. There were no cars and people around, so it seemed like I was alone at first, but I wasn’t. I never looked behind me, but I knew there were hundreds, if not thousands, of people walking behind me, following me. I also just seemed to know they were Christians, around my age (so students, I was 13), from all over the country. We walked in near silence until we reached a stage and the people gathered around it like they were expecting something to happen. The friend I made in MFuge came up to me and asked if I was ready; I told her yes, then got on the stage and started speaking, I never heard what I was saying because another voice starting speaking and it said, “This year holds many changes. Be prepared.” Then, I woke up.

I’m not sure what would go through your mind if this happened to you or what is going through it right now, but I was afraid. I thought I was going insane because my immediate reaction (and maybe it was yours?) was that I had just had a vision. . . and there was no way God would send me, of all people, a vision. Despite everything, even those I knew God loved me, and even though I had been praying for Him to use me, I still didn’t think I was worthy to do anything for Him, especially not in the capacity that it seemed to show in the dream. I had many more dreams from that point on, each one meaningful and most accompanied by the same voice as the first one. I would hear the Voice outside visions, when I would pray especially.

Eventually I had to admit it to myself: I was having visions. What convinced me finally? That had been the year where multiple mass shootings took place, often mere weeks apart. . . and everytime one was about to happen, I would dream about dying by gunshot. 
   

Shortly after my vision of the downtown gathering, something else strange started to happen. It started with nightmares; they were different from the visions or normal dreams, but they felt so real. I would wake up weak, trembling, and terrified; some nights I wouldn’t let myself sleep because I was so scared. Then, after awhile, I started to feel what I can only describe as a presence. I would see it, too; it always appeared as something that resembled black smoke or a shadow, and it would appear in my nightmares, even appearing in real life at points. I called it the surface.

In the beginning, I thought it was something I had made up in my continuing state of MSP, as another way to punish myself. Now, after reflecting on it, because of the way it acted and the things it did to me, I think it was something much worse. Let’s just say, something not from me.

It seemed to feed off of my fear and regret, growing stronger as those emotions increased. It made me feel mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and often even physically weak and exhausted. It tried to keep me away from my friends by making me feel like I was endangering them in some way. In a sense, it worked. I always felt better, stronger, and more like myself when I was with my friends, and in my fear-stricken mind I had half-convinced myself it was because the surface was attacking and feeding on my friends instead of me. 

Let me take a moment to pause and say something extremely important to each of you. Isolation is the most dangerous trap the devil sets for you. He wants to feel alone because that is when you are at your most vulnerable and THAT is when you will attack you the hardest. Like a lion, he picks out the prey that is vulnerable and alone to kill. If I had let myself be isolated like the surface wanted, things would have ended a lot worse, I guarantee you. 

Anyway, this was one of the most confusing times in my life so far. It was hard to distinguish visions from nightmares, and dreams from reality. But in the middle of that chaos, I made a friend who both saved and almost destroyed me. No joke.

When I first met her, I remember feeling an almost irresistible pull to befriend her and gain her trust, which it was (and is still) not uncommon for me to be pulled in the direction of a certain person. I’ve made many great friends that way, and they are often the people who tell me I helped them the most. The difference this time was that there was this feeling of unease and uncertainty that made me hesitate. When I eventually decided to follow the pull, I distinctly remember feeling deeply uneasy and hearing a voice, clear as day, telling me to stay away from her. I should’ve listened.

We became close very quickly, and I told her about my visions and the surface. In response, she told me that she too had visions that were similar to mine. She told me that she could help get rid of the surface and also told me that for years she had been able to see spirits, and that she had been able to see the surface when we first met. Again. . . . another reason why, after reflecting, I really think the surface was something else that I had not made or invited into my life voluntarily. Anyway, to this day, I still believe that she had been telling the truth. We started talking every day, telling each other if anything new occurred and pondered the meaning of the things we had been seeing. She did actually help me get rid of the surface and I helped her in many ways, too. Things were good, and the warning and uneasiness I felt in the beginning became a distant memory. Until there was a change.

Suddenly, my friend grew distant, cold, and unhappy; I grew unhappy and uneasy as well. Our friendship was still strong, but a new tension boiled under the surface. She no longer talked about her visions and asked I tell her no more of mine; overall, we didn’t talk much anymore and when we did, it felt strange and tense. We carried on for a long time with that unsteady connection, while at the same time, I struggled to sort through the jumbled pile of memories, nightmares, and visions that was felt after the surface was gone. Everything had blurred together until it was one in the same. To put it simply, I was a mess. Again.

Then, one night, I understood. I realized I had wronged my friend without truly realizing it; I had lied to her and she figured it out before me. That was what was causing the tension. I remember sitting in bed that night, terrified, because I knew I had to do the right thing and it wouldn’t end well; I was praying so hard, and the Voice whispered in response, “Trust and let go. Trust me and let go.” So I confessed to my friend, begging her for forgiveness, but she no longer trusted me and turned away from me. It was a pain I had never experienced before and never want to experience again. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am deeply connected to my friends. I love and care for them very much; and to know that I had hurt a friend and had been rejected because of it was just unbearable.

I confess, I wanted to die. I wanted to end it all that night, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to the people in my life. [By the way, my parents are already aware of this incident, so you don’t have to tell them. I haven’t felt that way again since, so please don’t freak out or worry about that.]

The next week afterwards was horrible, but I kept going and kept trusting. As I did, things got better. My friend forgave me a week later, but I was wary of her now because of the darkness she had thrust me into. There was a change in her that I feared; still do fear actually. She’s become colder and harder, like she’s turned to ice.

The greatest thing that happened, was there was a change in the strength in my faith. From the moment I trusted God and confessed, it felt like this wall that I never knew was there was broken down little by little. I suck at explaining. . . especially when it’s something that’s hard to explain already. Imagine you lived your whole life wearing sunglasses. You have seen the sun, but it’s always dulled and blocked. Then one day, you decide to take them off; the sun blinds you at first, maybe hurts your eyes, but then you are able to enjoy the full effect of the sun and the effect it has on the world as it brings everything into the light. It was like that. I felt overwhelmed by this love for God that was pouring out of me, and I didn’t really understand why it hadn’t always felt like that. I could see everything more clearly, understood more.