Once A Wish

S I M U L A

I often wondered what it would feel like to have a home, a place where I could lay bare all my imperfections and desperation in life. A place where I can be sane and forget the loneliness of my heart.

If ever I’ve found one, would I still wander? Probably. Or perhaps, maybe, in the sanguinity of life, I would stay to a home I can call my own.

Many would ask me if it’s nice having two families and other whatnots, I’d often respond with a yes. Maybe. But it’s really fun having a big family that surrounds me. I think most of them comprise the vast majority of wealthy clans around the world.

It’s nice. But deep inside, I can’t seem to really answer the question. Because honestly speaking, I’m very tired. I’m broken. And it hurts a lot.

I was so young back then to realize that I will never have a complete family. My parents got separated, and got each of their own family. First, it was accepting but as life goes on, it feels rather lonely and empty. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that my sisters have the complete family that I could only pray for the last decades of my life.

But as for me, I feel so lost even if I have all the riches in the world. I’d get to have two birthday, two christmas, new years’ and other celebrations. But I don’t want that. I only need one.

One birthday, one christmas, one new year to celebrate the ocassion. One family day. And the last time was when I was five.

“Prof, ito na po.”

“Hmm.” I nodded at Mary, a student of mine, as she was handing me the piled quiz booklets that she collected. I thanked her after I put it on my table. “You’re dismissed and have a happy weekend.”

It was already past seven in the evening when I dismissed my last class of the day. Some of them thanked me as I smiled at them. They were the ones that had night jobs to sustain their schooling.

I’m not heartless, maybe this is a curse for being so soft with people juggling their studies and work just to support their family. I scoffed. Family, the word gets bitter every day for me.

I was the last one to walk out of the room, it was already dark outside but I didn’t mind it. My students were walking in front of me. They very much owned the hallway as their voices echoed around the silent corridors, talking about school, life and love.

I took a turn to the left side, mas pinili kong tahakin ang connecting bridge kesa bumaba sa ground floor. Bahagya ko namang inayos ang suot na puting blusa dahil ramdam ko na ang panunuot ng malamig na hangin sa pinakailalim ng damit ko. Kaya imbes na sumabay sa nakakarami, mas pinili ko ang connecting bridge na nagdudugtong sa kabilang building na hindi masiyadong mapuno.

All the buildings have these, it’s kind of a short cut than walking from the ground floor. I took another turn, and I landed on the second floor of the Commerce Building. May naririnig akong mga boses but I think it highly comes from the top floor; more oftentimes, the rooms were occupied by Law classes. I continued walking until I came to another connecting bridge and landed at the second floor of the Student Building.

Finally.

It took me almost fifteen minutes to reach the faculty office of the College of Arts and Sciences, agad ko namang binuksan ang pintuan at pumasok. Naabutan ko si Professor Dalumpiñez na nakaupo sa table nito at may binabasang papel, I greeted him but he seemed to be oblivious of his environment. Kinuha ko nalang ang mga gamit ko at isinuot ang French coat na nakasampay sa swivel chair. And then I went to the biometrics machine to sign out.

After signing out, I fished my phone to check if there were messages. Marami. There was a lot coming from my family. I sighed as I checked each one of them. Inuna kong basahin ang mga mensahe mula sa mga ninang ko from our Calle Dyosa group chat, sumunod ay sa Sinclair and Xenaki clan, the Santanders, the Valerios, and lastly, from my two families. Huli kong binasa ang text ni Dada, she’s in the Bahamas for the expansion of our hotel resort there. Nag-isang linya ang mga labi ko habang binabasa ang text niya na humihingi ng pasensiya dahil wala siya sa kaarawan ko.