The boy behind the letters

My hand goes through my hair, while a cigarette scrapes my lips and thousands of questions abound in my mind, that makes me lose sleep and makes me question everything, my ears abound with music, but nevertheless I can't stop thinking

Today I really got the courage to write this because I didn't feel like writing

But why do I really question the same

But I'm so used to questioning everything that it's normal

But when I ask even the slightest I feel irritating but the problem is that at the same time I don't feel anything, sometimes I just want to get into someone else's body and wonder how it feels to be happy, angry, stressed and etc.

I remember having those emotions and after they pass I wonder if i should go so far as to say that I felt happy, angry, sad and etc.

Sometimes I'm laughing so much that I can't breathe but in the middle of my laugh I wonder if it's really worth laughing so much and I came to doubt everything

When I get angry and think about it again I wonder why I got angry and I try to imitate that feeling or I try to describe it but I can't.

I really don't think I'm special, I don't think I'm the only person who goes through this but when sometimes my emotions come out but I don't feel the need or I don't see the reason sometimes without realizing it my actions make people mad at me but why ??, I ask them and they just tell me "if you don't want to be talked to like that why are you talking to us like that?" my eyes fill with tears of rage but why?? there is a need, I don't even know, I really feel my voice regular

It makes me wonder why my voice changed, it's like sometimes my body controls my brain instead of my brain controlling my body.

Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason, sometimes I just want to feel what it feels like to cry and then I wonder what is the feeling or the reason why people cry?

Sometimes I feel so strange anywhere, no matter where it is, with whom it is or why it is, I just don't feel I belong to a place

I usually just lie, sometimes I think I'm a compulsive liar, sometimes I just think I'm exaggerating but I never get a concrete answer

A few weeks ago 1 person left me and another person told me that he was going to move, with the two people I felt a kind of connection, I suppose it could be called that.

The person who walked away from me, made me a small void that is constantly filled and emptied, and sometimes I think if I really loved that person when sometimes I only felt saying empty words but sometimes I felt the opposite, today I wonder what I really felt and what I feel for that person, my feelings sometimes want that person back to try to figure out if what I felt was a kind of love or something similar

The other person never moved but it made me doubt if I really have that friendship connection as I thought, at my school I only feel that I am close to him and another friend but I feel that if they left I would just lie and say so many empty words that I really don't know It would do me nothing strange because when people don't get away from me, I get away from them and by destiny of life our paths meet again in some way, they ask me if I miss them, they ask me too many things and even tell me a I love you, I just remember that in all the conversations carried out lying no matter what or even if there is no need

There are moments in my life when I feel disgusted for no reason, my need to be surrounded by people who flatter me grows more and more, also my need to be with people for a benefit increases, no matter how much I lie about my feelings and intentions they are still there or if I don't always find people with better qualities and when that doesn't happen I resume communication and talk to them as if nothing had happened

I really don't feel satisfied

Although even the smallest thing is interesting to me, it can just as easily bore me.

I am an iconic person for others

Since I was a child I remember hearing my name in people saying both good things and bad things, I am a person to talk about since I can remember

No matter the context or the least

My name resounds in the mouths of the people

My parents say I'm losing my humility

People say that I am a good boy, humble, cute, with a sense of humor, good grades, good manners, pure heart and etc.

I'm so used to it that even though sometimes it causes me stress I like it but at the same time I hate it, I don't know how to explain it but the context doesn't matter but for most I'm good

But what would happen if that person who makes everyone smile with his iconic personality is just a mask of a person with tired eyes, who does not know how to recognize his feelings, that despite it seems that he says all his feelings, he cannot even say 40% of them and that even though he looks like an easy person to meet, they are difficult that even he does not even know himself

If my true self came to light, what would happen?

It would really look so bad but I wouldn't know how to react and I feel that even though many would be angry with me, some would come back because they would think I can change

It's stupid that is to say they are stupid

I don't want to offend you 100%

But forgiving a person like me and giving him another chance is like rereading a book expecting a different ending.

Could it really change?

It's not that I'm not humble but I really feel that the things I do well are easy, but when I don't know how to do something, I feel so miserable and useless.

Sometimes I learn it or sometimes I just wait for someone else to do it for me

I feel that now I will be receiving criticism but I do not see the need to do it, I just have to see how to do it and I understand it, obviously I am not perfect and once in a while I ask how it is done

As long as I get a good grade everything is zzzzz

It doesn't matter if my dark circles grow bigger and bigger, or if I'm pretty or not.

Only status matters

I would say family love but once in a while I remember how fun it is but I also remember the other bad parts

My family would be disappointed now, seeing my thoughts and they would be thinking that I am getting further and further from reality

It's like a story of misfortune or mystery being reread

By taking away everything they think is bad for me, it helps me modify a design to get what I want.

Sometimes I pretend to be the best, sometimes I believe it, although sometimes I feel that I am the worst and I am

If my personality were to be seen in the light, I would fall with everything and she

My personality will one day kill me but before that happens I don't know what will kill me first

The existence of the human is not defined so I think that each one must discover and kill themselves in their own way

But what if no matter what I do all I feel is like I'm dying little by little

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if people could know what others think, even if I ask, I know it will end in disaster

My sleep is getting lost, sometimes I feel like I'm floating and the floor moves

Sometimes I just eat out of necessity, even if I'm not hungry, a part of me says to eat and eat, the other part of me says to throw it up or stop eating but really any option I take will lead to the same result

I'm just a normal person but not so normal

I wouldn't know how to describe my feelings and the way I think

I don't know what to say and do

I just feel so fucking empty, even though I know I'm not, I just wait slowly for my death.

My skin, my body and my attitude are noticing that I am dying.