Forgetting

“I’m tired of all this back and forth crap. Its exhausting. I just feel like you are really immature and you can’t keep a relationship with someone like me. I don’t live in the past and thats where we are.” 

Those words stung like I had been stabbed. in the heart. 70 times and the pain is everlasting. Those words were not spoken by just anyone. They were spoken by my first love, my first kiss, my first real boyfriend, the guy I lost my virginity to, the first boy I have ever let my guard down for. No this isn’t little kindergarten love. This is real love. We had been together for 3 amazing years. We were graduating high school in just 3 short months. I couldn’t believe it was over. I thought I had found the one. My name even sounded good with his. Alexis and John. Alexis and John Stewart. It was meant to be. I had devoted myself to him and he had done the same. We were meant to be. I thought I would never recover. I thought I had just lost everything I had. 

You are probably wondering why we broke up, right? Well, our plan was to go to college together and someday get married, have kids, and die old together. We had talked about it for months. My family had accepted him as one of their own. His family called me their daughter they never got. For John, growing up in a house with 2 older brothers was definitely difficult. By the time he was in high school, his other brothers were already married and had families of their own. I, on the other hand, had 2 twin brothers and 4 sisters. I was the baby of the family, like John. My sisters were already out of the house by the time I was in double digits. My brothers graduated college when I was in middle school. My brothers never really liked John, but that was because they didn’t want me to ever grow up. They didn’t like the idea of another boy coming into my life and they certainly didn’t want me to get my heart broken. 

Anyways. Back to the plan. We both wanted to go to Alabama for college. We both got in. We both were planning to go. John was going to visit Alabama one more time before moving down there in summer that weekend. I didn’t feel very good that week so I stayed home, but I convinced John that I was fine. He went on the trip without me and I was perfectly fine with that. 

Well, that weekend I felt jabbing pain in my stomach around 2 am on Friday night. I blew it off thinking it might just be early period cramps. I was up the rest of the night throwing up and that morning my mom took me to the Emergency Room. They put me on the scale and I had gained 4 pounds. I was confused but the nurse told me it was because I was a growing women and sometimes young women have weird weight gains. 

After many tests, blood drawings, and questions, they finally came to a conclusion. I thought I had food poisoning or something but nothing in the world could have prepared me for what I was about to hear. My whole life was about to change right before my eyes. I had no clue that this would happen. I don’t think that I would change it today, but in the moment I would take almost anything else. I was blessed with the gift of a baby. 

I was shocked. Still to this day I don’t think I could tell you the emotions I was feeling. I was excited but scared. I was sad and mad but happy all at the same time. I can’t believe I am going to be a mom in just a few short months. It all fit. The throwing up, the stomach pains, the missed period, the emotions, everything. I was embarrassed as well. How was I supposed to tell my family? My mom was crying. I was too. Never in a million years did I think I would be put in this situation. 

Yes, me and John had had a little fun behind some closed doors a month before all this mess started. It was right after winter formal and it just happened. We didn’t tell anyone because we didn’t think we would ever have to explain. We had used protection, but I guess it didn’t work. I honestly didn’t know how John would react. We both had a life ahead of us and we had discussed having kids but not for a while! 

My mom and I agreed not to tell anyone outside of the family besides John and his family until we knew that I was for sure having the baby. I am definitely relived that my mom isn’t mad. I mean, she’s mad but she said she is always here for me and that nothing will change that! I am so lucky that I have a supportive mom. I see those shows that girls are pregnant at 16/17 and their moms kick them out! 

Well I called John that night and I told him that he needs to come over when he gets home. He asked why and I told him I would I tell him when he got here. He had to go and I went and took a shower. I looked down at my stomach and poked it. It was already beginning to harden a little! I was very excited about the little baby! I was only about 5 weeks along so it was too early to really see anything on screen. I talked to the baby, and told it about its father and everything. Not only was it cool to have someone who was inside me listening, it also felt good to kinda let it out. 

I got out of the shower and slipped on a t-shirt and put on some lounge pants. I went and got some ice cream and put on a movie in my room. Within 5 minutes I was out cold. I woke up to the sound of a knock at my door the next morning. I groaned and got up. 

“Come in!”

And in walked John. Gosh I was nervous. I sat down and just started talking. “Um so Friday night I woke up around 2 am due to some stomach pains and I ended up throwing up multiple times. My mom was worried about me so she took me to Emergency Room.”

“Oh my goodness! Are you okay??”

“Um not really. After running several tests the doctors came to the conclusion that I’m um um I’m um”

“Babe what is it?”

“Pregnant”

Fear tackled his face. Shock and Fear. 

“b-b-but we used protection?”

“The nurse said that it doesn’t always work”

“I don’t know what to say, I mean I have a life ahead of me. I can’t have a child! We could abort?”

“There is no way I am aborting. This is my child and its my body. I am not aborting. I just can’t do that. No way.”

“Maybe I want to abort”

at this point i started crying. “I am not aborting” I began to scream “THERE IS NO WAY. I BROUGHT THIS CHILD IN THE WORLD AND THERE IS NO WAY I’M TAKING IT OUT BY CHOICE. I AM HAVING THIS CHILD WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT” I was basically having a temper tantrum. I didn’t care at this point. I already had fallen in love with this little blob in my stomach. I don’t care what John thinks. I love him but this is a different kind of love. This little blob is me. It is going to be a part of me for the next 9 months and it will be for the rest of my life. There is no way I am ever giving it up. 

“Um, I don’t know what to say” 

“MAYBE YOU COULD JUST LEAVE? JUST LEAVE OKAY? COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND WE CAN TALK OKAY?”

That’s when I heard the words that no woman ever wants to hear from her baby’s daddy. 

“I’m tired of all this back and forth crap. Its exhausting. I just feel like you are really immature and you can’t keep a relationship with someone like me. I don’t live in the past and thats where we are.”

“BACK AND FORTH? IMMATURE? EXCUSE ME FOR PROTECTING OUR CHILD!” 

“you know what. I can do so much better! bye Alexis. have a nice time trying to raise our child. and when the baby wants it’s daddy, tell the fool that he doesn’t care and he doesn’t want it.” 

I started balling at this point. “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT. I CAN’T BELIEVE I FREAKING DATED YOU, LET ALONE THOUGHT ABOUT MARRYING YOU! YOU ARE A HEARTLESS SICK PERSON.”

and with that, he stormed out.