Journal Thing. (IDK)

summer holidays

so lately I've been feeling a little stressed. last summer holiday I spent pretty much all my time drawing and trying to improve my art skills. it seemed like a harmless thing to do. however, I felt so fake and ashamed of myself. I kept on comparing myself and trying so hard to improve. I felt like if I wasn't improving myself then I was wasting my time. it made me feel frustrated and angry about everything. I remember that I did improve but I wasn't happy. I promised never to do that again because it just made me feel like crap, however, I'm worried ill do that all again. it makes me feel stressed. I guess school kinda helped me balance out my free time and without that, I will just spiral down this cycle. it's just sad. another thing is that I feel stressed about what I will do in my life. I mean like a career. my older brother is constantly being bugged about what he will do and that makes me feel like I need to start worrying about it as well. it feels dumb writing about it. I wanna be an artist or an influencer (twitch streamer, YouTuber) the idea of being an influencer seems so far off when my parent won't even let me have TikTok. I feel a bit lighter now. I think what I need to do is just calm down and think about what is a priority and not. I often get off topic because I have ADHD. ill try to kinda limit me. Another thing that helps me is having a clean room. cleaning seems to help me when I feel stressed or anxious. my friends have this tradition where at the end of the school year on the last day we all bring in some candy for lunch and have a feast. we took some photos and one of my friends made a TikTok about it. we all got a group photo together and it was altogether an amazing day. it's crazy how fast your mood can change overnight and you aren't even aware of it. I think I will try and do one hour of drawing each day. another thing I think about is what jobs you can do with art. personally I wanna be a cartoonist but there's so much to it. being a freelance artist isn't reliable and you could go without pay for days on end so I wanna figure out a way to make a stable amount of money as a cartoonist. I wanna get paid enough to have a decent house and food and all of this panicking and worrying about the price of living today makes me feel worried. I haven't done much digging about the career but if you know then please tell me. it felt good to get all that off my chest. bye now!