for an artist you're a little afraid

Chapter 9

"I'm almost finished with the sketch.", Harry said with a concentrated face, as he sat behind the canvas. "Thank god.", Louis said. The sketch and a few pictures for the lightning was all Harry needed to finish the picture later on. "I don't need to worry that I find these pictures on the server tomorrow, right?" Harry gave him a reassuring nod.

They sat in silence for a while, before Louis asked, what he had wanted to know for quite a while. "Are you into toys? I mean like sex toys and stuff."- "Well, I haven't met a lot of girls, who where into it yet, so I never really tried it with them. Or myself.", Harry tried to speak calm, but Louis could practically hear the blush, while Harry hid behind the grand canvas. It was only natural to ask, since they had a sex relationship.

"And the boys?", Louis asked, but Harry didn't answer. "Harry?" He murmured something, but Louis didn't understand him. He must have hit a sensitive subject., Louis simply thought. "You were my first. With boys, I mean.", Harry slowly said and so many emotions came down crashing on Louis, he didn't know what to feel. "Are you out of your fucking mind?", was Louis' first reaction, before he sat up and Harry stood up from behind the painting.

"No. Who cares?", Harry said, as his eyebrows drew together. "What?! You have to communicate with me. I could've hurt you, probably did! Why wouldn't you tell me, it's stupid. I would have been so much more careful!", he panicked a little. And maybe it was the first time he noticed, he actually cared about Harry. In a platonic way of course., he added in his thoughts.

"But maybe I just didn't want you to be? Nor let you think that you are something special." And wow that hurt, it hit him straight in the gut. Maybe he just wasn't made for this. It was silent, as Louis looked at the floor, trying to calm his nerves.

"I think we shouldn't sleep with each other anymore.", Louis then said. It had gotten too much. All blurred lines of caring and provoking, fucking and cuddling in the morning and laughing and rolling eyes. He needed some time for himself.

"Why?", Harry couldn't quite follow him. "Because I simply don't want to anymore.", Louis shrugged. If Harry wouldn't communicate with him, he wouldn't do it either. He went back into Harry's room and took all the clothes from yesterday and quickly dressed himself, after he had closed the door behind him. Harry luckily didn't try to follow him.

He put the clothes Harry had given him neatly folded on the chair, the smell of Harry's washing powder still surrounding him. Then he quickly left the dorm, without seeing Harry once again.

***

"Harry got back to normal again.", Gemma complained, as they met up for lunch when the semester break ended a few days after the "incident". "How? Like what do you mean?" Gemma sighed. "He had been in a better mood the last few weeks. Looked more satisfied...or content. I don't know, but now he is just back to grumpy Harry." Louis couldn't help himself, as he smiled secretly, so Gemma wouldn't see it. Satisfied. He forced himself not to laugh, but at the same it felt weird to him, that Harry had just gotten back to grumpy. With his looks it should be easy to find someone new. Subconsciously, his eyebrows drew together.

"I just wish I could help him somehow.", Gemma thought, but Louis didn't quite know what to say. "Well you get along well, right?" Gemma nodded. "So I'm sure you already help him somehow." It was a shit answer, Louis knew.

***

Apart from class, Louis didn't see Harry throughout the week. But he had a lot of things to plan anyways. This weekend he and his friends would finally go to the Coldplay concert, so he bought himself an outfit and studied a bit more to have a free day on Saturday.

Finally the day they all have been waiting for so long had arrived. All of them had standing room tickets, so they got there relatively early to get good places. None of them was a hardcore fan, but the wait in line was worth the places they got. They were in fifth row.

"Imma get us a beer.", Liam said. The prices were, like in every concert, enormous. The opening act was London Grammar. The indie-pop band, as which they introduced themselves was quite good in Louis' opinion. When he had had his second beer and the show was about to begin, he went to the toilet (just in case).

Fucking hell, he thought as he saw the man with brown curls at one of the urinals. He quickly turned and took one at the opposite wall. When he walked over to the sinks, of course he stood there as well. Louis new he was already to late to turn around, because there was a mirror and Harry seeing him running away would be even more embarrassing, so he just went there. "Hey.", he whispered. "Hi, didn't know you liked Coldplay.", Harry said. Of course, because they didn't know anything about each other. "Yeah, Niall and Liam are with me.", Louis answered awkwardly, drying his hands on his jeans. "I'm with Gemma and Zayn in the standing room. We're in third row... I mean you and your friends could try to come with us, if you want to." Louis wanted to say no, but then he thought of his friends. They'd be happy. "Thank you, I'll try to call them." The opening act wasn't that loud, so maybe they'd hear it.

They did. As they agreed, Harry and Louis were already on the way back. Louis had already forgotten about the guy Harry mentioned, when they got there. Zack? Zayn? What was his name again. Zayn, he found out as they all introduced themselves. Louis had to admit he was outrageously handsome and he couldn't stop himself from wondering how Harry and Zayn related to each other.

Harry of course knew that Gemma and Louis are friends (at least that's what he's thought), but Gemma didn't knew it the other way around.

He got a text from Harry.

Stop flirting with my sister.

Louis almost laughed. Was he jealous?

I'm not, we're friends remember?

Why'd you kiss her on the cheek then?

Louis had done it, as they had greeted each other.

I'm gay, Harold.

Oh.

Coldplay started with songs like "Higher Power" and "Viva la Vida", and Louis couldn't stop looking towards Harry who was looking so comfortable dancing with Zayn. Harry was laughing so often, hands on Zayn's waist, on his shoulder, everywhere. Louis didn't mean to, he really didn't, but suddenly it was there, that odd feeling of unwanted jealousy.

Towards the end they played songs like "Sparks" and "Yellow" and Gemma just silently gave everyone a tissue. Louis didn't even know why he was crying, he simply did.  The atmosphere in the stadion was amazing, everyone was waving there torches, till the rhythm of the songs got faster and the crowd louder again.

Coldplay ended the concert with "Biutyful" and a firework, before Louis and everyone else quickly left the stadion so they wouldn't have to stand any longer. Louis loved dancing during concerts, but the standing places still always gave him back pain. He couldn't wait to get to the metro and to fall into bed.

Gemma, Harry and Zayn would drive with it as well and as Louis saw Harry and Zayn walking in front of him, he kinda regretted ever starting something with Harry.

He regretted all of it.

[1233 words, 22.jul.2022]

I am sooooooo sorry I haven't posted anything since November! I wrote so many exams and studied everyday up to 10 pm. After some time I began to struggle with self-consciousness, thinking this book isn't good and wondering if I would be able to write at all after all this time. You see I had already written this chapter in July, but thinking about rereading it and editing it made me feel rather stressed, due to my doubts. Writing had always been a fun activity for me to do, but it isn't anymore, which makes me really sad, because I know if I'd get these doubts out of my head, it would be fun again.
I'll try to write again, I promise. Thank you for your patience so far.

J