Again

A Lonely Night

I caught Ginny's eyes lingering on the couch for a moment too long. Her mother had given us an exact copy of their couch from the Burrow as a housewarming gift. It was a symbol of home for all of us now, but it had come with a price. The memories of those who lounged and laughed with us before would always remain. Even now, as everyone left and the party, those who had left us lingered on our minds. I saw it in Ginny's eyes every day, and in my own every time I caught my reflection. Things were happy now - it was safe and the world was rebuilding, but there was a hollowness to it all. We could smile again, but it never quite reached our eyes.

"I wish he was here," Ginny whispered, eyes watering, never looking away from her brother's normal spot on the seat.

No matter how full our home was and how many people came through and made new memories with us, the old ones would never fade.

"Me too, Gin."

I gently took the half drunk glass from her hands and placed it by the sink. Grabbing her hands I helped her walk down the hallway to our room. It had only been a year after everything had finally ended. After we were finally able to catch our breath. A year of helping each other get better and stronger. A year of finally allowing myself to love someone knowing that they weren't in any danger when they were with me. A year of nightmares.

"Harry?" Ginny asked, her voice wavering. She was on the edge of tears again. She often was after we had hosted all night and the house emptied out. I sat her on the edge of our bed and held her hands. "Do you ever wish you could go back and avoid it all? Live as a normal child?"

I was caught by her question. I had often dreamed of going back and starting over. I dreamed of being the perfect child for my aunt and uncle. I wondered if there was ever anything I could have done for them to love me. They were awful, but I always saw how much they truly did love my cousin, even if he was spoiled. I wondered if I could have been nicer to Hermione and avoided the troll all together, if I could have stopped Quirrell without getting my friends in danger. If I could have stolen the diary from Ginny sooner. If I could have cleared Sirius's name. If I had never been in the tournament. If I could have saved Cedric, or Sirius, or Fred, or Mad Eye, or Remus or Tonks or....

The thoughts never stopped. They kept me up at night. I knew that every choice in my life brought me here, to my loving wife, but at what cost? Did we know happiness? How can I be a good person when I didn't even know what a good childhood looked like? Did I steal the innocence of all my friends by bringing them into danger with me? Was knowing me a death sentence?

Could I have done it right?

"Always," I replied wrapping my arms around her and letting her burry her face into me. "But if we went back I'm not sure we would have ended up here."

Ginny sniffled. I stepped back and wiped away her tears.

"Do you ever think that giving all this up would have been worth it for everyone to live?"

I looked down at my other half, my partner in life. There was so much love inside of her, but so much loss as well. She had been posssesed as a child by the Dark Lord and lost one of her brothers. She had been turned into a child soldier. She had never left my side. She had remained strong and unwilling to backdown. She was my hero. But she was hurt.

"Sometimes, Gin," I whispered back. "Let's get some sleep."

I tucked her into bed and conjured a glass of water for her bedside. I cast a warming charm on her feet since she would inevitably put her cold feet on my legs as a slept if I didn't. I made sure her wand was within her reach. I kissed her forehead and then made my way out into the hallway as I did every night, disapparating without a sound. On the edge of our garden I raised my wand and checked our wards. Ginny knew I had put some on the house, but I doubted she knew how many there actually were, or to what lengths I went to to ensure our house was safe. From my pocket I drew a small knife and pricked my thumb. I watched as a small bead of blood formed and then I bent down, pressing my thumb to the earth, chanting quietly as I did. Not all blood magic was evil, I told myself. Some of it is necessary. Some of it is for protection. Some of it is good.

When I made it back into our room, I climbed in next to my wife. She was so peaceful when she slept, like nothing bad had ever happened to her. I wish she could have always had that comfort. Her nightmares had stopped a few months ago. Mine hadn't but Ginny was always there to help. I wish I never had to wake her.

Her earlier questions were running through my mind. It had been months since we had mentioned anything about the war, about the hard times, about the loss and devastation it had all left in it's wake, but we all knew it was constantly on our minds.

But what if I could have stopped it? What if I could go back and change it all? Made it so that Voldemort never returned? That my friends grew up safe and happy? That everything was normal? Could eleven year old me even have done anything? I only ever tried my best, but it wasn't good enough. People still died. Dark Lords still returned. Scars still littered my friends faces and minds. Could I have fixed it all? Anything?

I closed my eyes, desperate for my mind to cease. I thought back to the first train ride to Hogwarts, that's where I always thought I would go back. I couldn't have done anything with the Dursley's. They hated me long before I was born, nothing would have changed there, but on the train, I had decided, that was where I could have done better. From that moment on I could have made a difference. I could have befriended Draco, stopped Quirrell, saved Hermione, kept everyone safe. I could have, I could have...

The last thing I remembered before falling asleep was the sound of the Hogwarts express pulling away from the station for the first time.