As I look back on this last summer I realized just how perfect it actually was, well most of it so I decided I needed to write it down. All the crazy adventures that took place. I needed a record of it.
H: Because! I haven't hung out with guys in like forever, especially a cute guy!
E: Don't be nervous it's only me
Eli and I had been talking a lot over the last couple of days before he finally invited me to come hang out with him and his roommate. I was nervous, hell I had every reason too! This boy had just told me he liked me and had for some time now.
June 1st 2022 - June 19th 2022
It was your typical love story, we went on dates. We stargazed, went to plays together and even spent the day at the lake with his theater group. We said "I love you"s and I spent the night at his dorm for two weeks straight. Waking up at dawn to make it into work the next day just to hang out with him again as soon as I got off. We would get high, have sex and then spend the rest of the night in each others arms. I got along with his friends and they all liked me.
June 21st 2022
It was bliss, I was his and he was mine... for about a month. I thought I was in love, and I thought he was too. Until one day he started to act strange. He said we needed to talk. That nagging anxious voice began to fill my head once more.
How could you have been so stupid?!
You rushed things you idiot.
He hates you now.
Of course you fucked this one up.
"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked, the walk to his dorm room being too awkward for me to bear. My nerves once again unfurled throughout my whole body, my hands sweaty and my face red hot.
He stopped his long strides and hesitated in his thoughts.
"You are, aren't you." I said turning to face him.
"It's just... I didn't realize how well I do on my own ... until ... I wasn't." He admitted bringing his arms up to hold me. Suddenly I recoiled at his kind actions. What he said made no sense. I sense he wasn't telling the truth, or atleast the full truth.
June 25th 2022
It was hard... for days on end. The pain in my chest was unbearable. I felt sick to my stomach, this heavy feeling that left me wanting to throw up. My heart is in a constant state of unease. This dark feeling making its way through my veins. A longing and hoping that he would come running back. Realizing the mistake that he had made.
Going to work in the mornings was heavy... on my heart and my mind. My whole body wanting to sink into the mattress and never return.
I worked through cleaning each room in a blurry daze. Tears still brimming my eyes as each memory of him crept into the back of my mind. Thinking about where I had gone wrong.
Buzz
New snap from: Elijah
Elijah was a friend from one of my college classes. He had had a crush on me for the longest time but I always blew him off. But now he had a girlfriend and she didn't like me much so he wouldn't text me unless it was necessary.
Elijah: Hey Hunter... I didn't want to tell you this but I thought you should know. I saw him with a girl. At the movies.
No way. There wasn't another girl... there couldn't be. He was in love with me. Right? He would never do that.
June 26th 2022
He would do that.
"Hunter... I know the real reason he left." My friend Gabby said over the phone. Gabby was a part of the theater group Eli hung around with. I had been friends with her since highschool. She was amazing to say the least. She was a little burst of energy, she lit up any room that she entered. She was a slice of heaven on earth, being a friend to anyone she met. We grew apart when I left the theater program, and I regret that. Because she's always been there for me. No matter what the problem. I trusted her with my life.
"There is another girl... he met her about a week before he broke up with you." I stayed quiet. All the fear, all the sick feelings coming to a climax and then... nothing.
He would do that.
"Hunter, are you ok?"
"No."
June 27th 2022
M: Tonight... 8:30... I'm picking you up.
I got the text from Miros. She had noticed my withdrawal from the group. I couldn't help it. Everything had reminded me of him. I thought it would be easier knowing the truth but it wasn't. It had only made the pain worse.
They tried their hardest to cheer me up with no prevail. I feared I had become annoying with my constant state of sulking, feeling sorry for myself. Even though what he had done was illicit, I couldn't help but feel that I had done something wrong? What had I done to make him choose someone else over me?
The drive was quiet, the upbeat songs of Suicide Boys playing softly in the background. Twenty minutes passed traveling on the dusty backroads of Western Nebraska before she started to slow down. My trained gaze moved from the passenger window to the front windshield.
We were in the middle of nowhere, nothing but rolling hills and stray cows for miles.
"Wait here." I grunted at her and watched as she hopped out of the car. Producing a blanket from her trunk and spreading it out upon the hood of her Jeep Liberty or better known as "Romona Flowers".
She then looked up from her work smiling and through the windshield glass beckoned me to join her. I slowly opened my door and stepped out onto the rocky ground. Sand already entering the cracks of my shoes.
Miros hopped onto the hood of her car and I followed suit. My bum was properly seated on the blanket, Miros turned to me and I turned to her.
"I brought you out here... to scream." She said, adding some drama into her voice.
"To... Scream?"
"Ya man, scream man, yell, let it all out." Miros addressed bringing her arms to a full spread.
I thought back to the night I spent screaming in my car, the same car that I had slept with him in. The same car we drove to the wildcats to stargaze, the same car we rode into Jax to get treats in and to show off that I had a boyfriend to my other coworkers.
Fresh tears rolled down my face with each ripping bellow. No words were spoken. Only incoherent screeches of raw emotion escaping my throat.
I stayed quiet at the memory, Miros looked at me and then turned towards the setting sun,
"Fuck you you San Diego Hobo looking mother fucker!"
A smile erupted from my lips for the first time in days. Eli did look like a San Diego hobo now that I thought back to it. His scraggly facial hair not helping the matter.
"FUCK YOU YOU MEDIOCRE ASSHOLE MUSICIAN." I screamed into the oncoming night sky.
The sun setting not on my anger but on the final dispersing of it.
The skies bright reds and oranges reflected the way that I had felt on the inside for oh so long.
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