Nicole

Chapter: 20

Nicole stared breathlessly out the window. At that moment, only one thought kept crossing her mind again and again and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't push it away. You've failed to protect Nathan, said the voice in her head. You've failed.

She blinked, her consciousness taking over. She drew away from the window and ran to the kitchen. There, Axel stood behind the counter still talking to someone on the phone. When he saw Nicole, he froze and hung up. She knew he was looking at her throat. It was still paining her although she didn't think the cut was that wide or deep, for when she'd removed her hand from her throat, there was only a thin line of blood stamped on it.

"What the hell happened to you?" Axel muttered as he crossed the kitchen in two strides and was suddenly in front of her.

Nicole wanted to shout something, to scream but her throat forbade her to make a noise that loud. So instead, she spoke in a small, scratchy voice, "Nathan's gone."

"What do you mean gone?" Axel asked, seemingly unable to comprehend what was going on.

"Derek took him," she said biting her lip. She willed back her tears and told him everything. How Derek was the one who cut her palm, how he threatened her... everything. "He never came here to welcome me back home, he came here for Nathan and now he's got him and I have no idea what to do or where he would've taken him and it's all my fault—"

"Hey, it's okay," Axel said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "It's alright, it's not your fault. You did what any of us would've done if we were in your place. Right now, we have to focus on finding Nathan, and blaming yourself for his disappearance won't help." Nicole nodded, biting her upper lip. She took a deep breath to calm herself down and let Axel drag her to their father's room to tell him what happened.

By the end of the explanation, Christopher seemed horrified. All the color had left his face and he seemed paler than he'd ever been. Isabelle had joined them in the middle as well and she, too, seemed taken aback. Throughout the explanation, Nicole had stayed silent, letting her mind bury itself in its thoughts.

Her siblings blamed themselves for not noticing anything but Nicole knew well who was at fault here. Wasn't she the one who failed to protect him when she'd promised herself she would do anything to protect him? If she could break bones for herself, why wasn't she able to do it for someone else, someone she loved, someone who trusted her and relied on her? Someone who'd started crying when he wasn't able to prove his loyalty to her, wasn't able to prove that he hadn't turned his back on his word? She had failed miserably.

Her heart was screaming and thrashing against her chest yet she felt completely hollow from the inside. Her mind kept racing and she didn't know what to do. The world around her had muted and she could only hear faint voices. With a spinning head and a heavy heart, Nicole stalked outside of the room, unable to hear her family calling for her.

She stormed up the stairs. She couldn't hear her footsteps despite her boots. She couldn't hear anything. Just the beat of her heart that was rising by the second and the whirs of her mind as it raced. She burst inside her room and made her way to the bathroom.

She turned on the tap and cupped her hands, filling them with cold water. She splashed it on her face, grateful that she was able to feel it. Turning off the tap, she looked up at herself in the mirror.

She was right about the cut. It wasn't deep and she could only see a faint line of faded red blood. But it still hurt, preventing her from speaking loudly.

It was clear that she was tired. There were shadows under her eyes and her skin was pale. There was no color in her face. Her chin was set, the way it was whenever she came across Derek and her shoulders tense like they always were except for when she was asleep. That was the only time her guard was down and she actually felt peaceful.

She was tired of holding it all up. Tired of never letting her guard down. Tired of keeping in her tears and tired of doing things alone. For once, she wanted to break down and cry. She wanted to scream until her heart felt light. She wanted her mother to wrap her in her arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay.

But none of those could happen.

She couldn't break down now, no matter how much she wanted to. She had to hold herself straight and fight back her tears so she could locate Nathan. She had to fight whoever tried to get in her way or whoever tried to hurt her family. Because that was what her mother would've wanted her to do. She had to do it because she was Nicole and she refused to break down when the people she loved needed her.

Nicole stared at herself in the mirror. She thought of her mother, with her dark hair falling in curls around her shoulders, her blue eyes, gazing at Nicole with love and pride. Take off from work tomorrow. When you get back from school, we'll sit and talk. She thought of her father, his dark hair and bright green eyes and the way they shined whenever he saw any of his children. Whenever he saw what her wife had left behind. Wow, you look so much like your mother.

She thought of Axel and the night he had apologized to her. His hair outlined in the dark and flowing in the wind, the blue eyes that he shared with her. But I thought we were partners in crime. She thought of Isabelle and the day she'd taken her shopping. Well... it isn't entirely about clothes. I... um... I wanted to spend some time with you.

And then she thought of Nathan, with his thin figure and green eyes that burned with passion, his dark head always buried in a book and his kindness. You may be strong, Nicole, but you're not made of steel. You're human and all humans have a breaking point. Maybe this was yours.

It was true that she wasn't made of steel. But she couldn't allow herself to break. Not now when Nathan's life was on the line.

Taking one last deep breath, she walked out of the bathroom. She went downstairs to the living room where her family was. They all seemed tense and her father had his eyes fixed on the computer in front of him.

"What're you doing?" Nicole asked as she made her way toward him.

"I'm trying to track Derek but he turned off his GPS. The last place I found was the airport," he answered and Nicole sighed. She looked at Axel, Isabelle, and her father and then back again. She closed her eyes, thinking. Where would Derek take Nathan?

And then it struck her. The only possible place Derek could've gone. She opened her eyes and looked at her siblings calmly. "You might wanna pack some jackets."

Axel drew in his eyebrows, "Why?"

"It's going to be cold in New York."