Laughing, you follow your brother down the hallway. But you aren’t moving fast enough for him, so he grabs your wrist intending to pull you along faster. Yet he pauses in his mad dash down the hall when he notices your flinch. Mentally you curse yourself, you’d been so careful! Liam’s facial expressions change from confused to shock when you self-consciously tug at your sleeves.
“Kate?” he begins, “Please tell me you didn’t flinch for the reason I think you did….” He trails off as you raise your head to look at him, searching your face for any clue that he is wrong. But you keep your face expressionless and your voice deadpan as you respond.
“And what reason would that be Li?” It’s killing you, seeing him so worried for you. This wasn’t the way you had wanted today to go. You haven’t seen your brother for a year. The last time you saw him, you promised him something. But as the year passed you broke your promise, over and over again, as Liam’s about to find out. He still hasn’t answered your question, instead his hands are reaching for your hand and sleeve. As if in slow motion you see him grab one of your hands in his – palm facing up. He takes a deep breath, as if to steel himself for what he is almost certain he will find. Then he’s pushing your sleeve up, revealing the spider’s web of scars criss-crossing your wrist. Some are still puffy and red – evidence of last night, and the cause of your flinch. For a few moments you both just stay there, staring at your cuts. But the silence is broken when Liam’s phone rings. Angrily he fishes it out of his pocket then brings it to his ear.
“What Lou? No, I can’t, I’m dealing with something. Yeah? Well she can’t come either. I don’t care if she’s you girlfriend Lou! She’s my sister and right now we’re dealing with something!” By now Liam is sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. Quietly you go and sit next to him. Almost instinctively he wraps his arm around you, and pulls you closer.
“Louis you’re a big boy, deal with it yourself!” snapped Liam, before hanging up on his band mate. Sighing he closes his eyes momentarily closes his eyes. But they soon flutter open so that he’s staring at you sadly.
“You promised me Kate. You promised you wouldn’t cut. I told you I’d be there for you, and that if you needed anything to call me!” He was starting to get frustrated, blaming it all on himself. Your try to tell him that wasn’t his fault, but when you opened your mouth, those weren’t the words that escaped.
“I know I promised Li! And I tried, I really did! I lasted two months. Two months of dealing with all my shit ON MY OWN!” By now you were crying and pacing in front of him. You can’t remember standing up, but you keep going.
“But you’re wrong, you told me you’d be there for me, but you weren’t. I tried OK? I tried calling you, skyping you, tweeting, texting, even writing a fucking letter! I tried the other boys, but only Lou would answer, and he’d tell me you were too busy! That night. I’d had the worst day imaginable Li – Tyler broke up with me; turns out he was seeing someone else behind my back. I got a black eye at school because I couldn’t give some jocks girlfriend your autograph. I came home to find mum and dad screaming at each other!” Liam’s face was frozen, but you aren’t even looking at him.
“I log onto the computer to drown out mum and dad, and guess what I found? The “Kate Payne should die” twitter page. You want to know how many followers it had Li? 60,000. 60,000 people who hated me because I’m your sister. Do you know how much that hurt?! Do you know what it’s like having complete strangers telling you, in no uncertain terms, that they want you dead?! It fucking hurts Li!” You can’t control it any more, dropping to the floor; you let the strangled sobs come forth. Liam seems to wake himself from a stupor; he gets up and comes over to you. Wordlessly, he enfolds you into his hug. For a few minutes, all that can be heard is your crying. But you don’t stop; all you can do is cling to your older brother and cry.
“Kate I’m sorry. I promised I’d be there for you, but I wasn’t I know it’s no excuse but I was busy with the tour. I should’ve made time for you though. I’m sorry.” He pauses here, and gently tilts your head so that you are looking at him.
“But this time, this time I’m going to be right beside you, both physically and mentally, every step of the way. We’ll do it together OK?” You nod weakly after a moment of deliberation. You truly do want to get better. Liam pulls you back into his bone crushing hug, which you return.
